Evening all
I started dating a man in his late 30s, as a woman in her late 20s, in February. We were exclusive pretty quickly and have seen each other twice a week most weeks since.
He is kind, caring and I am so attracted to him. All was going well, some mild miscommunications along the way until he started to raise alarm bells in my head by saying he is not ready for a relationship as he is a year post divorce as still has some work to do on himself. I was uncertain as to how I felt but later reflected that I liked the answer and honesty. He has a little daughter and honestly I’m in no rush to gain a girlfriend title. The conversation about this brought us closer and it felt lovely.
10 days later, he didn’t reply for a day so I called the next day and said i hope all is ok, just let me know if you’ve had a change of heart about seeing me.
He replied “ I’m really sorry that I didn’t text or call you. But this is for your good as well.” I was confused by this. For context we work in the same large company (2000 plus employees) in different departments. He is high up but would have no jurisdiction over my progression and I’m shortly moving onto a new company anyway. I wondered if perhaps his ex wife had found out. I know he had a hard week last week as he worked seven days to resolve a big issue at work ( he’s a manager) and he has an ill Mum who lives abroad, he mostly solo parents and works hard hours. Sometimes if he is finding things tough he prefers to be alone. He had rung me to explain he felt flat and stressed due to these things and we had a lovely phone call. I offered to support but said I understood if he’d rather be alone.
Anyway, he asked me how I was and how I was spending my annual leave. I explained and said I want to see you, he said I want to see you as well but “it will have to wait for now.”
I sent him my remaining availability and he sent noted with a party emoji.
He texted me yesterday to say “I wish I could come over,” I asked him why he couldn’t . I understand he is stressed and worried about confidentiality and protecting me at work, despite the departmental difference, but it feels like he is setting these strict rules and boundaries for himself. I asked him for a guesstimate of when we might be able to see each other or when this is over and he didn’t reply.
I decided to take the bull by the horns today and asked to meet for a coffee, I explained I’m not going to wait around for you if there’s no clarity.
We met and he made me initially anxious, I asked him if I should be worried professionally and he assured me I should not but I’m still anxious. I’m an inpatient lady and perhaps not great with uncertainty. However I can’t help but feel his style is avoidant and can’t comprehend why he prefers to handle both professional and private matters alone. It’s the biggest thing that puts me off him.
He explained he hopes to tell me all about this in the future and that he really misses me and he has found this really hard. He said good things come to those who wait and he believes something good will come. To be honest as I reflect on this I find this patronising, is he trying to elude to it progressing or just being vague? it feels like my patience is being tested and he knows that’s my weakness. I texted him this evening to say I will leave him alone, no calls, no texts.
Honestly I am so bewildered.
Should I
A) sack it all off and find someone closer in age anyway who is more straightforward and keen to make me their girlfriend
B) wait for him even if it’s weeks as he’s lovely and it’s good to be independent
C) start to view it as casual
Can anyone confirm whether he is avoidant or if some people simply tackle things independently and that’s not necessarily avoidance. I can’t relate to it.
Thanks so much x