Need advice on leaving controlling husband and sorting finances fairly

[Sally125]

I have been with my husband for 30+ years (I was 17 when we met, he 18) and have 2 children 16 and 18. We've tried couples therapy 3 times and family therapy too over the past 13ish years because I was not happy with how he treats our eldest. One recent example, we were staying at a holiday apartment recently and she spilled her drink and he immediately threatened to stab her in the eye. He did not move and as we've heard it all before, we know it is all words but it is upsetting and not right. He calls me names all the time too ('worthless', 'narcissist') or does not give me eye contact at meal times. So I want to leave. I work full-time and I have been saving for a few years, hoping to go as soon as the youngest is 18 but last year I realised I can't go on but I am really worried about how he'll react, not because he loves me because he doesn't like change and he likes control. I have decided I probably have to leave our lovely home I've worked so hard on because it will make it easier, but I'm afraid if I leave he will stall selling the house and run it into the ground in the meantime while I use up the savings on rent and will be too old to get a new mortgage (I'm 55). I'm now wondering if it is possible to cut some kind of deal where I take a about 1/4 of what the house is worth (we own it, no mortgage now) for a quick break because if I start renting then it will eat up my deposit. Really I have been spinning like this for months trying to figure out a way out. My children broadly know I want to leave and support this but I have not discussed it in any detail because I don't want to burden them or force them to choose, though they would want to come with me for most of the week. Sorry I realise this is a complete dog's breakfast of a post. I know I should consult a lawyer but I just don't know what to ask or where to start. I've read up on the law so I know what I'm entitled to, but I know my husband and he will make things as difficult as possible once he knows I'm leaving. If anyone has any advice, I'd be very grateful. Thanks for reading this far!!!

Hello, please ring Women’s Aid who will give you excellent advice. I am so sorry you are going through this. The most dangerous time in a relationship is when a woman leaves so please get your ducks in a row and form a plan.

Threatening to stab your dd in the eye us very graphic and frankly terrifying. It's really sad that it's "normal" that he talks that way to you all.

Don't agree to taking less. I very much doubt he'll stick to any deal or let you go quietly whatever you give up.

You might be better off going in strong and frightening him over how much you could take than rolling over and offering him everything. Entitled pricks like him are never happy however big a slice of the pie they get.

And remember, you're mid 50s, you have finite time to rebuild financial stability. You might want to help your dc at uni or whatever and if you're broke you won't be able to.

Speak to Women's Aid about leaving safely and a solicitor about how to get your fair share.

Stop worrying about what might never happen as far as his reaction goes and how he will sabotage things. Because you doing that is making you want to escape too fast while paying the financial price to quickly be done with it all. It's a bad move to take what is far less than you are legally entitled to. Think of it as a marathon and not a quick race. In the meantime, while you are seeking guidance, keep yourself and the children away from him and the house as much as possible. You could hang out at the library while they do homework. Maybe set yourself up in a different room so you don't have to share a bed with him. Give him a believable excuse, so he doesn't catch on to your future plans until he needs to be informed.

If he makes things difficult at any point, you can deal with it when it comes. Keep thinking, "This too shall pass." Ask for mediation if need be, so that the pros can help him see how being amicable with be healthier for the whole family. And you can't find everything online about legal matters. You will get far more accurate info once you consult with a professional. In the meantime, if he's on any of your credit cards or is a co-user on your bank accounts, remove him. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I got a mortgage at 57. Don’t let that stop you

Your h decided to embark on his own private based war with you many years ago and indeed he targeted you to abuse you and in turn your kids. He has been abusive throughout and he will remain just as abusive once you divorce him. His aim in life is to punish you , in his head it’s all your fault and not his. Such men too hate women, all of them.

Do not ever undertake mediation with him. You are not emotionally safe enough to ever do this with him. Your safety is of paramount importance and you need to plan your exit with due care. Get legal advice from a solicitor and use the support also of Women’s Aid. You can enrol yourself on the Freedom program going forward. Abuse like this will take you all along time, years even, to recover from.

Do read Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft. Your man is in those pages.

And do not ever sell yourself financially in a settlement. You could get half of everything here including his work pension; yours is a long marriage.

I would also consider employing the services of a forensic accountant because these types of men can and do hide money. He will not make the whole process of you separating from him at all easy because he wants to win over you. He will not relinquish his control of you lightly and I remind you he will remain abusive after you separate.

He’s robbed you of your life until now so don’t let him
take any more. This individual wants power and control at all costs.

Abuse is not a relationship problem and that is also why both couples and family therapy has not worked. Abuse is about power and control. The counsellors you saw ought to be reported if they are affiliated with Relate or BACP because you were not safe enough to undergo these sessions with him. Therapy will never work on him because in his head he’s not doing anything wrong here re you people who he regards as possessions.

OP please speak to Women's Aid - they can point you in the right direction for legal advice and also advise you how to keep yourself and your children safe.

https://womensaid.org.uk/

she spilled her drink and he immediately threatened to stab her in the eye.

Fuckin ell!

Run far and fast and take your kids with you.

I think you should report this abusive behaviour to the police. He is literally threatening your DC. Ask for their help in getting him out of the house to ensure the safety of your family. Then see about divorce.

Pls don’t do mediation. This is abuse. Pls spk to women’s aid and do not accept less than what you legally should get. Let them put you in touch with a solicitor for an hours advice. He will hate you and try and destroy you regardless of what you ‘ask for’ - it’s yours too after such a long marriage. The court won’t sign off a financial order that is deemed unfair anyway. Do it for your children, you all deserve a calm, happy home. They will need money for uni etc so go 50/50, it’s a hard battle but it will end and you will be finally free.