How can I stop overthinking after feeling insecure in a new relationship?

[Frenchie910]

I have been dating someone for almost 3 months and things had been going well. Had bene seeing each other 2/3 nights per week and agreed to be exclusive. He had been ill so I hadn't seen him for nearly 2 weeks. He started feeling better but had a family gathering that evening, I was meant to see him the following day but he postponed as wanted to wait until he was 100% and thought he would be too tired after the gathering but we met for a coffee that day instead.

For some reason it just set me off into an anxious, insecure loop thinking he didn't want to see me or only wants to see me when he's well enough to have sex. I ended up saying this to him and then felt bad and over apologised and needing reassurance with a phone call etc. I think it understandably put him off. I seen him the other evening and everything seemed ok between us. I just feel like his texting has gone down and he's being less affectionate through text but I know I'm also overanalysing. Trying not to overthink or make things worse but I guess any advice how to get past this and not ruin this? Still feeling really anxious and don't know if I should bring it up again or just see how things play out..

I know I sound like a nightmare, I had a really long emotionally abusive relationship which I think has left me with things that trigger anxiety and insecurity but I know it's something I need to work on and not his problem.

You've answered your own question and can I suggest that you're not ready for dating yet.
keep working on yourself!

It sounds like he has triggered an anxious attachment in you.

I wouldn’t put it all on yourself though. I am in a dating phase of life and have had a couple of people trigger anxiety in me and that’s because my nervous system has being activated by their behaviour… spotted amber/red flags (ie illness, cancellations etc…).

2/3 times a week is quite a bit to see one another in early dating. I keep things a lot lighter - once a week, consistent texting but not too many texts.

You’re not a lost cause though - you are spotting your behaviour and self-reflecting…. a lot of people are unable to do this 😊

Be kind to yourself, this sounds like too much pressure for you. Take your foot of the gas and see if things happen organically

Hard to say. A healthy degree of discernment and skepticism is no harm at the start of a relationship. 2 weeks because of illness does seem a stretch.

What was wrong with him? 2 weeks?
My DP was quite poorly very early in our relationship he didnt run away from me though, I actually offered to help him out a bit. Made us stronger. And he has done similar for me.
Not saying thats what everyone should do in early stages but two weeks is a long time

Honestly, he just doesn't sound that into you.

He was well enough to attend a family event, but after 2 weeks of not seeing each other, would only go for a coffee with you? Even if unwell, I would allow my partner in to watch TV with me etc.

Your gut is screaming something is wrong, which is why you've become so anxious. You are right!

He is keeping you there as a placeholder because he's not sure about you.

I'm dating at the moment. I'm not an anxious person or overthinker generally but dating does really test your mental stability at the best of times, it's hard not to let it consume you so don't be too hard on yourself.

At this point he might genuinely not know whether he wants something serious with you or not, I know when I am 3 months into a relationship I am usually still working it out. In fact if he was declaring undying love at this stage you'd be worried. So it's hard to know - and he might not know himself - whether things are cooling off or it's just the relationship transitioning into something more settled where you don't madly text every day. The fact he's keen to see you though is a good sign.

Are you able to voice what would reassure you? Asking him directly, asking him to text you more often? You need to balance that against not being too intense though, it's still really early days.

I really think that's what triggered me was that he cancelled but went to the family event. The confusing thing is that he was still saying he missed me loads and couldn't wait to see me but said he wanted to wait until he was sure he wouldn't make me ill. Strangely before this I was thinking he was more into me than I was to him..

I do think something's triggered my anxiety and I'm just waiting for him to call things off I think even though when I've seen him he's still acting very keen

When are you next seeing him?

I think hes being a bit aloof

OK, the problem is that you're way too invested for this point in the relationship.

Lets say you're right, lets say he calls things off. Why is that such a bad thing that you need to be anxious about it?

You've only been seeing each other 3 months. If it doesn't work out, then you've had a nice time for a couple of months and then your life goes back to the way it did 12 weeks ago. And presumably, 12 weeks ago you were fine. The world won't end, life won't get harder, you'll just be single again.

You're treating this relationship like it's important. Its not, not yet. One day it might be, but right now its just a nice added extra to your life. It's like a hobby. You wouldn't be this anxious if your book club might not be carrying on, so why so anxious about this.

That's how you need to be approaching this. If you can't, then you're probably not in the right place to be dating right now.

If he was really into you, he would be concerned about you feeling anxious and reassure you because he would not want someone he cared about to feel that way. And not seeing you for 2 weeks after seeing each other 2-3 times a week is a bit of a drop. Like others have said even if hes ill, you coud have gone round and just chilled on the sofa together.
You feel anxious because naturally it feels like his energy around the relationship with you has fallen off a cliff. OK maybe he was ill, but you are sensing a change in his texting and a sudden reduction in seeing each other.
Don't feel bad for wanting some reassurance from him. If he gets annoyed by that, then that tells you alot. I'd be paying attention, close attention, now to what he does rather than what he says.