Seeing an old fling on holiday has unsettled me

[jmrpinkie]

Help!

i’ve been with my partner for 10 years (i am 36) after meeting when I moved countries. We have two kids. I love him very much. Our littlest is 6 months so sleep deprived and just still fresh parenting we’ve definitely had arguments but we are happy, we love our life etc etc.

from roughly 18 to 23 while at uni I would often hook up with a guy I had known from summer hols since I was 15. He was literally my first crush and I innocent kid attraction he was the person I wanted to marry. I thought he was the best looking guys ever! He had a girlfriend when I first knew him but that eventually ended and we hooked up over the summer. It never felt serious but was always amazing, insane chemistry, sex was eventually always amazing. We ended up at the same uni and would periodically kiss on nights our or have sex. I always had a sense he never wanted a relationship with me. I got a boyfriend and then I moved away and I don’t think I saw him since.

I would often think of him but that was it. Fast forward to Easter this year and we holidayed in the place we met. Whilst there we went for lunch and he turned up at the same place with his other half and their child. It honestly has thrown me completely and I don’t know why or how to let it go.

I can’t stop thinking about him, having wild dreams about him.

im pretty sure i loved him and wanted to be with him and have all his babies. Im certain he liked me and fancied me but didnt want to be with me in that way or at least not at that time in his life so im confused why I still had this rush of feelings for him that I now can’t shake. Lots of what ifs!!

not sure what I want from this! But felt I needed to write it maybe it would help.

It's dead in the water.... and they are just feelings (and that's normal) I would have thought these will soon dwindled away! Enjoy what you have with your husband and children but ffs dont tell your husband because it WILL spark an enormous amount of jealousy.

Oh my gosh no no no I would NEVER tell him. Could you imagine!!!! I love him very very much.

you’re right. They are feelings. And at a time where my things are probs strained with my husband (normal strains of post partum, adjusting to two kids etc, less time and sex etc) which is why those feelings probably have crept in. But then I also wonder would they have crept in anyways…..

It's just the memory. Seeing him activated those paths in your brain and put you back in the place of the silly starstruck teenager. It will pass, and has nothing to do with reality.

I guess this is what I hope. Because I had a thought like imagine if I bumped into him somewhere on my own and I’m absolutely certain he wouldn’t still feel the same way but what if he all that same chemistry was there and the opportunity to do something was there I feel I wouldn’t be able to resist and that makes me fearful - does that mean I shouldn’t be with my other half? But i love him so much. That insane chemistry I had with summer fling is basically what drew me to my husband etc.

You feel this way OP because it never ran it's course.

Had you actually had a proper relationship you'd probably have got to the point where you saw all his flaws and were sniping at each other because 'someone' forgot to get toilet rolls on the way home or something.
It never got to the mundanity of a real life relationship and was all dopamine hits.

Maybe make a list of all the times he let you down, or the ways he was emotionally avoidant and all his flaws.
Then burn it.

Give it a week or two and you will see him how he really was and that it was never going anywhere with him because if he'd wanted it to, it would have.

If you'd have crossed paths while you were both on your own, knowing how you felt at the time I think your knickers would have been off and he'd have probably fucked you hard and fast before parting ways 🤣... BUT you would have been riddled with guilt, SO with that being said... you should ignore your feelings and wait for it to subside, however you could pleasure yourself with the thoughts of what could have happend 🙊🤣

OP, try not to overthink it. Having little kids is so exhausting and as a mum you might feel you’re right at the bottom of everybody’s priorities.

Seeing this guy took you right back to a time when life was easy, to the exhilarating feeling of wanting and being wanted by the best-looking guy in the world, to incredible sex, etc, etc. And because it happened out of the blue and you were psychologically unprepared to see him, these feelings touched you very deeply.

What I mean is, this is more about what he symbolises than about him necessarily. The urge to go back to your former self can be very strong, so be kind to yourself.

I think your feelings are normal OP, including the wild dreams. Seeing him after all this time must have been a shock and brought it all back. We all reminisce about our first love, the one we spent our youth with, it also reminds us of when we were young amd carefree. But it doesn't mean anything, it's just a feeling that will pass. You sound happy in your marriage, despite all the usual stress life throws at us. Don't think too deeply about it.

Jesus, wtf, are you a bloke, who writes something like that.

Thanks everyone this is actually all incredibly helpful and insightful.

so true about it not having run its course. I think deep down I know it would never have worked but there’s always that bit of me (especially after seeing him) that wonders well what if i hadn’t got that boyfriend, what if we saw each other sooner etc but i know that’s not true. If he had wanted anything more he would have reached out or we would have connected before

I had a very similar experience. Spent about a week obsessively thinking about him, how to get in touch, what might happen. I was completely thrown back in time. It was overwhelmingly intense. It passed completely after about 2 weeks. I think it's normal just acknowledge it and don't act on it and it will pass.

It's because you were young and the feelings and experiences of strong chemistry, attraction and great passionate sex were new to you. I think the memories of such formative experiences remain intense and never go away. So when you saw him it was the feelings of those memories rather than feelings for him that got you all stirred up. Does that make sense?

I have similar intense memories about my first proper sexual relationship when I was 17 (he was older) which lasted a few months, I was devastated as he didn't feel as strongly about me but we stayed friendly and sometimes hooked up on and off for another 2-3 years. Like you I longed for him to see the light and realise I was the one and want to marry me (obviously he didn't). I'm ancient now and haven't seen him for decades but he still lives in a tiny bit of my brain where I'm still 17. I'm glad I've not bumped into him since because I don't know if it would stir up feelings or completely destroy my memories- neither would be good!

Just sit with your feelings for a bit, then squash then down and put them back with your memories, where they belong.

Look, I believe that true, genuine connections are actually incredibly rare; we only get a very few of them in a lifetime.
When you bump into someone who was one of those few real connections, of course it shakes you up. It’s easy to dismiss it as just a tired mum looking for an escape, but when you genuinely believe those deep connections are hard to come by, running into a ghost from your past makes you question what you let slip away.

I know that I have thought a lot about my teenage/ early 20s recently. I also have little kids and I think it’s just that it now seems so long ago! It’s quite enticing to think back to that carefree time. It perhaps has very little to do with the bloke you bumped into

I agree with pps, that overwhelming wave of emotion is not actually for him - after all despite the great sex and drama he showed that he didnt want a relationship with you - he had a few chances from what you say and didnt do anything about it. What youre experiencing is nostalgia - the dream of the time you were young, where life was an adventure, so many new feelings and experiences and so many possibilities around you and before you. Feel the feelings, and then remind yourself of what you have now and how awesome it all is. We all have out 'saw ex and had a moment' moments, its natural, just dont make the mistake of thinking its anything more than a moment of nostalgia - I mean dont try and get in touch with him or anything daft! That would be a huge mistake.

I thought the same. 🤔

🤢🤢🤢🤢 WTF

Do it OP, you won't regret it as long as you are careful

He's a married man who spends most of his time on threads related to sex.

Tbf, its pretty much what thought and I'm definitely female.

No, don't do it. Do not blow up your life.

I would call it intensely emotive nostalgia. I would feel the same... sometimes I feel almost tearful revisiting places that have strong significance with the past.