Suddenly struggling with 50/50

[Feadsisbanging]

I’ve been 50/50 since my daughter was 5 and she’s now 11. I’m suddenly really struggling. She’s at such an amazing age and I am missing her so much when she’s not here. And so aware of the passage of time and how much time I have left with her.

Has anyone else been through this and how do you get through it? We’ve recently moved to week on/ week off as she didn’t want to move around so much and it’s just so hard…I keep crying and feeling panicky and I just want it to stop.

Have you got a support network? Can you keep busy and start a hobby. Or go for an evening coffee and read a book to keep your mind busy.

At age 11 kids do get more independent. Its really important you find your purpose outside of being a mum too OP.

Hello, I do have many friends but I can’t, of course, spend all my time with them. And almost all of them are married.

I just find I have so much time on my own. I live in London so I should be able to do anything I want, but I seem to end up on my sofa far too much.

When you talk about purpose what kind of things are you talking about?

3 years for me (now 18/15) so I look at it as good weaning for when they leave home!!

Have 50/50, and hate it, tends to be swap houses Sunday, Weds and Fri so not too many days to get through - a week would be too long IMO.

Days when they are not here I just try to fill with hobbies or doing jobs like sorting out garage, DIY, chores etc...

That sounds difficult, OP. I don't think there's much to be done about it; but hope you're managing to have a good time when you're together 💐.

How do you envisage your life when she is 25 and has left home for good? She will be busy and won't want to see you all the time.
You have a kind of empty-nest syndrome.

Your purpose is tied to what you think life is all about.
What is life for? The ultimate deep question. No-one else can answer that for you.
Most people try to avoid thinking about it; they live their lives on a conveyor belt: from education to job to house to marriage to having children (some variation of the order things happen), to promotions to upsizing to kids leaving home to downsizing to grandparenting.
Barely taking a moment to question any of it.

When you have a big disruption like divorce, and the conveyor belt stops, you are forced to thinking more deeply.
The alternative is often mental health issues, or hiding from the reality of life by drinking too much, or throwing yourself into your career as a distraction, or grabbing another partner ASAP and jumping back on the conveyor belt.

Not a popular idea on Mumsnet but how about dating to keep you busy?

Do you work?

Mine aren't quite 50/50 but what I do is try and compress lots of my work hours into the time they are with their dad so I can be more flexible with work when they are with me.

Other options (that can be fulfilling in their own right or for career development)

• evening classes
• open university
• volunteering (I am a charity trustee which I love)
• finding a hobby that you can get hooked to

I do feel sorry for you op. I don’t have any suggestions just want to say I’d feel exactly the same

I don’t agree with pp that’s it’s the same as when your kids leave home. And that’s bad enough - plenty of “empty nesters” turn up on MN feeling bereft

One thing I might do is busy myself “clearing my the decks” so you can devote yourself to dd when you do have her at home. So get all the cleaning, batch cooking done etc.

Make sure that she doesn’t miss out on socialising with friends when she is at her dad’s. That way she won’t have to cram it all into her time with you.

Hello, yes I work full time in a professional job, it wouldn’t really work to compress my hours but it is very flexible anyway.

Where do you find out about stuff like charity trustees?

My issue with regular classes is I have her week on/ week off so that’s not possible just yet. When she’s a bit older I guess

Thanks - she socialises from both as he’s only up the road.

yeah I get that, that's what made me feel a bit stuck , that I couldnt do a regular club/evening class.

However there are online classes these days which might work

Or for charity trustees - I just followed lots of local charities and looked out for adverts. If there are particular charities you are interested in you could try approaching them ?

Or join the PTA? I know people imply all kinds of things about it but I joined it because I was a bit lonely and the women on it are all lovely and there's no pressure to help more than I feel able to. I do a lot of the behind the scenes work

Trustees, try local charities first via their website. Same for volunteering, maybe something active where you are meeting others. What interests you or uses your skills and professional background?

School governance is another option (but limited work to do in school holidays). https://boardsforeducation.org.uk/

Go to a aqua aerobics class...Go every week, she wont care! She will enjoy time without you...so my treasure says!
Seriously now, Im in the same predicament. You need embrace the fact that you can attend any activity, because they will be sat at home on their mobile and havent noticed that you've gone!
Gutted that they no longer need you...absolutely! I am with you for the grief! But let them go! And let yourself go!