How do you get over these views about sex?

[messeswithmyhead]

I think subconsciously or maybe just consciously, I’ve viewed (heterosexual) sex as something men chase women for, and once women ‘give’ it to men he’s sort of ‘won’.

I know in patriarchal cultures in history and even today, there are double standards when it comes to sex and men/women. And I think that’s where it comes from. The idea men can play around and chase sex yet ‘good’ women shouldn’t do it or enjoy sex in an equal way to men.
I have also heard the way some men talk about women and sex when they think there are no women around and it’s not pretty.

I do not judge any woman for what she does, but personally I have felt very bad when I have been intimate with a man and he then left or hurt me. I felt like I gave my whole self, but my whole self meant nothing and wasn’t good enough as he treated me badly like I was trash. If I hadn’t had sex with him I wouldn’t have felt like that as I hadn’t ‘given’ myself if that makes sense?

I am usually a reserved and private person so being close to anyone is a big deal for me, but a heartbreak from quite a while ago still plagues my mind and I’m pretty sure this is the reason.

I think you have correctly identified that your views on sex are outdated, inaccurate and damaging. They come from a very misogynistic societal view and you aren’t alone in being affected by these views. Sex is a mutually gratifying experience that people engage in as equals. If you have feelings for someone who then rejects or leaves you then that is painful. Have you thought about counselling for this? I think you’d find it really helpful.

It might help you to reframe your own sexuality as something that doesn't exist merely in relation to men. Women have desire, enjoy their own bodies, enjoy giving and receiving pleasure (apologies for the cheesy smut!). If you see your sexuality as belonging to you, irrespective of men, you can start to view sex as something that isn't given or taken, if that makes sense, but mutually enjoyed.

Equally, I have heard the way some women talk about men and sex when they think there are no men around and it’s not pretty, either. In fact, they often don't care if there are any men around.

I think you have a very outdated and misogynistic view of sex. I think before it damages you any further you should get some therapy.

I would get a few sessions of counselling to work out where these beliefs come from and unpick them so you can free your thoughts.

Im a woman.
I enjoy good sex (in a relationship not ONS but thats just me) im not ashamed of that. Sex should be satisfying and desired by both men and women.

All of my sex has been in long term relationships, so men haven't just chased me for it, got it and run (in your words)

Stereotypes can be somewhat useful at times. But they are extremely limiting. People are not the same

I was brought up around the same views as OP. Also from a strict Catholic background where it was all about keeping your good reputation.
All those views about women and sex to me feel like control - we can’t have women with desires running amok, can we? So let’s give them all labels.
Now I’m much older I do think - usually when I’m walking around a supermarket - that all of those outdated views are ridiculous and at my age, nobody cares about reputations. Nobody is looking at women my age and thinking, I bet she’s had a few, or that Petula looks like she’s never been near a fella.
In my day, we got taught there were girls who stayed downstairs at parties and girls who went upstairs. I stayed downstairs and mostly, it was boring.
Of course, I’m not advocating that everyone goes around sleeping with everyone close by with a pulse, but really, sex should be something you share. If a man thinks it’s something he can take, then quite frankly, he’s a dickhead who needs to go jog on anyway.
As for the way men talk about sex, well, I think in a group they do talk a load of crap anyway, don’t they? The decent ones grow out of it. The immature ones don’t.
Relationships do end, sadly. It doesn’t mean that a man took something of value from you.
I honestly think that men don’t understand how powerful women’s bodies are. We always hear about them being driven by their libidos. However, I think if they could swap bodies and feel what it’s like to be a woman, who is in tune with her body, they’d get a bit of a surprise.
It is high time women got to enjoy that after centuries of being ignored/punished/judged for it.
You only get one life.

It is indeed from internalised misogyny.

Sex shouldn’t be transactional, it’s not something to be doled out like a prize or used as a way to try and and push something in a certain direction- this is a very common view, hence all the posts on ‘when should I sleep with him’.

If I have sex (rarely these days as I can’t be arsed with men much) it’s because I want to, it’s an activity I actively participate in. It’s not something ‘done’ to me. A man’s views on me kind of sit outside that. I’ve also never been ghosted after sex. I don’t think is about the sex itself though, I avoid the men who lay it on thick like the plague because I can see straight through them.

I think you would benefit from some therapy on it

You don't need to sleep around to enjoy sex

Yes, outdated views OP. But you aren't completely wrong about the way a lot of (too many) men view women and the way they talk about us. I've heard so many of the least likely men I've worked with over the the years say some really vile things, and they aren't joking.

You think it's unacceptable for women to enjoy recreational sex and have multiple partners? Yeah that's just misogynistic. So you do pretty urgently need to update your views. And stop pretending you don't judge women who enjoy multiple partners as you clearly do.

To me the idea you've given your 'whole self' to someone just because they stuck their knob in you is ridiculous. It's just a few minutes of mutual pleasure. That's not to say you should ever do anything sexual you're uncomfortable with.

But your double standards need sorting out immediately!

There are certainly men out there who act like that, it's a game to have sex with a woman and then move on. Not all men are like that though. If you only want to have sex within a loving relationship that's how are and any other way makes you feel used. But some people (men and women) are happy with a more casual approach to sex. It is unfortunate you have had experiences where you were pursued for sex and then dumped, it may be you were just not a good match rather than it being notches on bedposts. Put it down to experience and move on you have to kiss a lot of frogs.

I genuinely don’t judge people, I am talking about how I personally feel about MYSELF and how experiences have left ME feeling. I actually envy people who don’t feel like that and can live more freely!

Ok but you are judging others by using that theory about yourself. But you can see it's wrong so you're half way there.

I'd say to try and not place so much deep emotional importance in the act of sex. But I'm not exactly sure how you can do that. I've always felt quite emotionally unattached to it. I just see it as fun and pleasure. But I wouldn't want lots of casual partners at this point in my life.

One problem with your view is that it suggests the woman is a passive object when it comes to sex. Nothing more than a prize for a man to win for status. That's very insulting to your own sex. Sex should be a mutual act that we both enjoy. I am an active participant choosing to be there.

This actually has nothing to do with casual vs committed relationship sex btw, that's a red herring. Your mistaken views are equally as patronising to a woman who only wants sex in a committed relationship.

OP I think you've done really well to recognise that you hold these views and that you're taking steps to change them. I grew up in a strict religious family and was also imparted these views on sex and it did me a lot of damage (as a man) in terms of my relationships with women until I was able through therapy to address the reasons I thought that and reprogramme myself if that makes sense (It also meant I was an atrocious lover!). I think you would probably benefit from some counselling to see whether or how these views have affected your relationships and your attitude to your sexuality, as when I did this it made a huge difference to me and the people I am close to. Good luck!