Hey everyone, I'm looking for advice to try and help my sister and also myself.
6 years ago when she was living and working in the carribean she met a man and decided to have children with him. Prior to meeting him she never wanted children. She now has two wonderful little twin boys now who are 4 years old and the treasure in all our lives.
Initially they settled back in the carribean after having them in the UK, but when my sister lost her job she returned to the uk with the boys and he applied for a visa.
Our whole family have wanted to be as supportive of them all as possible but it was very obvious from the first time we met her partner (I'm going to call him Dave although thats not his real name) that he isn’t invested in a relationship with her and is just trying to get a better life. Dave comes from an incredibly poor part of the carribean where people live in shacks, there are no job opportunities and very poor life quality.
Dave has lived in the UK for two years on a spousal visa which now needs to be renewed at the cost of 4k. He is expecting my sister to pay half of this. He recently decided he wanted to be a DJ and spent the best part of a grand on equipment which I don't think he will ever actually use. He spends almost all of his wages either on himself or sends back home to support his family in the carribean.
Not once in the whole time he's been here has he taken his children out to spend time with them, unless its a day my sister has planned to something he will approve of culturally. When he looks after the boys at home its phone in one hand, almost no interaction.
We've had disagreements in the past as he hits the boys. Unfortunately where we are in the UK unless you leave a mark apparently thats okay so I can't do much about this and it breaks my heart.
My sister used to be a confident, happy woman who spent time doing things she enjoys like kayaking and travelling, seeing friends and enjoying life.
Her life now revolves around keeping dave happy.
He wont spend anytime with us as a family, we've tried to plan things he will enjoy and invite him along but its really clear he doesn't actually like any of us. My husband hasn't seen more than a glimpse of him in years, dave hides from him when we go over.
It's very difficult to put into words what Dave has done, but hes basically manipulating my sister into making her think its her responsibility to give him a good life.
He doesn't love her or support her. He's managed to convince her that she can't cope without him even though it's actually my brother and dad (who they live with) that provide most of the childcare and actually enjoy spending time with the boys. Dave just cooks them dinner occasionally and helps put them to bed.
Dave shouts at my sister all the time but as its in Spanish we dont know what he is saying. We can tell its controlling her though.
Dave will restrict the boys time playing outside/with my brother and rather they sit inside and watch (sometimes inappropriate) TV. He's never once gone into the garden to play with them, even though my brother has got them a trampoline, a pool, tennis and football nets and many other fun outdoor games. There is just no interest from dave to spend time with them.
On occasions my sister has felt unable to take the boys out on the weekend because she needs 'daves permission' and he is asleep in bed and she doesnt want to wake him.
One of the boys is struggling to poo on the toilet, he still needs a nappy. Dave has said he is ashamed about this and will try and force him to and be very aggressive even though the rest of the family have realised its a sensory issue and shouting only makes the child feel worse.
He doesnt do enough 'bad things' for it to be classed as an abusive relationship. Its a controlling, narssasict relationship but that's incredibly hard to prove. When we bring issues up with her she always has an excuse for his behaviour or trys to down play it.
It's so clear to all of us (except my sister) that from day 1 it's just been about levelling up and he's just here for a better life and to send money home.
Is there anything I can do to help? Any advice at all. At the moment I'm just trying to be as supportive as possible, bringing up the issues of negative behaviour as and when I see them. But shes about to spend a huge chunk of money on a visa for him.
In my heart I just want to scream at my sister your being used love. He doesnt love you, support you or care about you.
Its a bad relationship, but dave makes sure its not bad enough to give her reason to leave. He knows exactly what hes doing.
What would you do?
Thanks, from a little sister who misses her big sister more than ever.