Help me leave please

[Prettybubblesintheair]

Hi everyone,
I’m hoping to hear from people who have been through something similar because I’m feeling overwhelmed by the uncertainty.
I’ve been living with my husband and since 2017. The house isn’t in my name (it’s in my father-in-law’s). My father in law lives with us and I care for him. He has alcoholic dementia and I cook for him, clean, do his washing and organise all medication and appointments for him. This been my family home all that time.
Recently, there was an incident involving my husband and my teenage daughter that has left her saying she doesn’t feel safe around him anymore. They got in an argument and he had his fingers in her face, she told him to stop but he didn’t so she slapped his hand away and he then hit her on the arm leaving a mark. She is 17, 5ft 1 and 8 stone, he is 5ft 11, 49 and 16 stone. I know I need to leave. He isn’t sorry, he says she hit him first so should expect to be hit back. It disgusts me, I have three children who live with me 50/50, half the time with their dad. This isn’t the first time, a few years ago he was aggressive towards my son but went to therapy but after a few months he returned to his usual angry, violent self. He hasn’t hit me but screams in my face, breaks objects close to me, calls me names. I live on eggshells. Every day when I get home from work and put my key in the door my heart is pounding not knowing what version of him I will walk in to.

My daughter has told me she can’t come back to the house unless we stay somewhere else because she’s replaying what happened over and over and isn’t sleeping. After everything that’s happened, I don’t feel I can continue living here either.
I contacted my local council today and made a homelessness referral. They explained that because there are children involved, they would need to inform Children’s Services, which has frightened me because I’m worried about what that means.
My biggest fear is that I work full time, so the council will say I’m not entitled to any help. I earn enough that I don’t qualify for many benefits, but nowhere near enough to rent privately in my area, especially with my poor credit history. I have no friends, no family, no savings. Nothing. Just my cikdten and a cat I love dearly,
I’m just wondering if anyone has been through a similar situation.

• What happened after your homelessness referral?
• How long did it take before someone contacted you?
• If you were working, did the council still help you?
• What was Children’s Services’ involvement like?
• Did the council offer temporary accommodation or another type of support?

i don’t expect a house, even just a bedsit with enough floor space so that my children can be with me, I’m finding the uncertainty really difficult and would be grateful for any experiences or advice from people who’ve been through the process. I’m also disabled, I get highest rate pip for living and mobility due to having uncontrolled epilepsy.

i would be really grateful for any advice or guidance or experience.
Thank you.

I think you would benefit from contacting Women's Aid. Also try your GP surgery to see if they have Social Prescribers as they can signpost you to relevant agencies. Good luck

Following as very similar.

Gosh OP, that sounds horrendous. You need some help to get out of there, I agree Women’s Aid or similar in your area. It only takes one phone call, just for advice, to start making a change. Do it today 💐

I’ve tried calling women’s aid but have spent as long as possible on hold whilst at work in quiet periods or in my lunch break, there’s no where at home I can call he wouldn’t hear me x

No advice other than I a thread you posted in 2022 you mentioned a sister. Can she help?

How about if you chat with other women on their forum? I know they give advice on the helpfine but it might be worth emailing and explaining your difficulty
.

Thank you but my sister lives a long way from me and my job anc my kids dad/friends and although we love each other we aren’t that close. It doesn’t help that this will come as a massive shock to everyone as he’s perfectly charming in public or if he doesn’t feel like engaging just sits on his phone so he comes across as sweet and shy.

Sorry quoted the wrong post

Down here, one presents as homeless at the Council offices and will be put somewhere by the end of the working day.

The children will not be sleeping on the floor ! you will all get a bed.

It may not be wonderful but it will be ' safe '. It could be in temp council housing i.e. a flat it could be in a B&B it could be in a travelodge. It depends on what the Council has that day.
Your cat is not usually taken into account :(

If you happen to be in the South West I will care for your cat until you are sorted, and I hope if you put a request in the Litter tray forum that you may get an offer there too.
Otherwise you are expected to put your cat into a cattery or rehome it.
There are charities out there that help with pets and domestic violence / homelessness but that can take time too.

Down here children's services involvement is often towards paying for your emergency b&b etc i.e. they can if needed help with payment / rent directly as they want your children to be safe.

I don't have any experience of children's services etc or the logistics of PIP or social housing, but I do know that sounds like a mountain to climb.

You have no choice. Put one foot in front of the other, and you'll get where you need to go. Accept that things will look very different on the other side, that there will be huge compromise in terms of material things but you will have done the most important thing of your lifetime and protected your children, shown that you believe them and they matter.

This is really helpful thank you and I’m so grateful for you offer for my cat. She’s already quite an anxious little thing, she’s a rescue and is very attached to me. She sleeps in my arms like a baby every night so leaving her feels devastating but I have to put my children’s safety first and hope we can be reunited with her one day, I put in a homelessness application yesterday and spoke to my local authority’s domestic abuse support service, I’ll link the page here: https://pre.hillingdon.gov.uk/domestic-abuse/hillingdon-domestic-abuse-advocacy-service

the woman said she would be able to find out who has been assigned my case today and then I have a call with her on Friday to tell her what’s happening in more detail. One thing I’m terrified of is she said because it involved my children and they’ve witnessed it on many occasions they will have to inform social services who will in turn tell their dad, my ex husband and I’m so scared he will stop them from seeing me as it’s taken me too long to finally do something and leave. And I have no idea how long it will take or if I will even be housed as the woman also said because I work and earn that will be taken into account but I don’t earn enough to pay rent and bills and support us and my credit rating is shot. I’m so scared, I haven’t slept a wink, I’ve been on the sofa but my husband is still acting like nothing has happened. Being extra kind and offering help with things he’d never usually offer to help with. It’s unnerving and makes me doubt myself but my daughter was messaging me from her dads last night saying she can’t sleep, she’s worried about my safety and me being alone with him. I just want a place of peace, with no shouting and breaking stuff or walking on eggshells or trying to pretend to my kids it’s normal to live like this. Everything just so feels so unknown and scary.

My kids are 15, 17 and almost 18. I don’t know if that helps at all, two boys and a girl,

I can only say what happens down here, or at least it did a few years ago.

All your children need to be ' homeless ' with you,
I don't believe they need to be with you in person i.e. they are allowed to be in school / at college if you need to present at the Council offices BUT they do need to be living with you so be very careful the Council don't decide your daughter is living with her dad otherwise she won't be counted in your needs.

That applies to your other children too, if the Council can avoid housing your children coz they are or can stay with Dad then they will do their very best not to house them -
and for you that is bad news as there is less need / reason for the Council to help re homelessness - as an adult woman you can look after yourself.

Almost 18 - when ? as some councils will count that ' child ' as an adult the day s/he turns 18 and will not want / take responsibility for that child actually being an ' adult ' - so start taking action now.

Down here you will go near the top of the housing list for social housing, but that will not happen overnight. At one time a family had to be ' homeless ' for 6 weeks before they could go on the housing list and start bidding.
Down here you would become a ' B ' for the bidding and there are 100's that are also ' B 's
However domestic violence would get an ' A ' rating and in some cases are in their social housing in days/a couple of weeks after being allowed to start bidding.
Your local Council may do it by colour i.e. platinum / gold / silver / bronze etc or by numbers i.e. 1, 2, 3 4 etc.

That's prob quite a lot to take in, I hope that doesn't come across as patronising.

Shelter are brilliant ! https://england.shelter.org.uk/get_help this is what they do, every day, all day.

and

I don't suppose you are black or Asian ? as https://southallblacksisters.org.uk/get-help/

are also brilliant and they are in your neighbouring Borough.

btw I am not sure if your thread is in the right place ? maybe another poster can suggest ?
as I did expect you to have much more advice by now.

anyway, I don't want to dominate your thread but returning back to Kitty.

Would your children's dad have Kitty at least until one of us can get to London and have her for you.

Don’t fear social work involvement - they’ll want to speak to you and ensure you are taking protective action. Did he leave a mark on your daughter? They will query if it should be a report of assault.
i would imagine your eldest will stay with her father, which will be safe. You are accessing women’s aid support and looking to leave. You’re doing the right thing just keep trying.

universal credit should top up income a bit if housing is unaffordable

Hi all,

so after a week of endless phone calls, form filling and being assigned a homeless case worker who doesn’t reply to emails or answer the phone I’ve been advised to go to my council at 9am tomorrow to be placed in emergency temporary accommodation due to domestic violence. I’m terrified, I don’t know what kind of accommodation I’ll be in or where. I’m going to be on my own so can only take what I can carry. My dad has said he’ll drive over and we’ll get the rest of my stuff but it all depend on how quickly and where I’m put if we can get here and get my stuff before my stbex husband gets home from work. He doesn’t suspect a thing, he’s actually completely normally. The mr nice guy act has dropped and the random outbursts of rage have come back. Yesterday he stepped in gum and he ranted for ages. I know I’m doing the right thing for me and my children but I’m so scared.

Does he drink OP? The random outbursts of rages sound like it

No he isn’t much of a drinker, I don’t know if that makes it better or worse.

Can your father not get the rest of your stuff before 9am ?

WA can advise you but have you considered reporting his violence to the police? This may lead to him having a temporary exclusion order from the family home giving you breathing space to sort out your next moves.