Can a relationship recover after a drunken kiss during a rough patch?

[laticheau]

My (F25) DH (M24) (boyfriend - first time on here so not sure of the lingo!) and I have been together for 5.5 fantastic years. Neither of us have questioned having a future together at all and we have a fantastically happy relationship.

For the past 5 months or so, we have been in a tough spot, where I have suggested moving in together, and he is less confident, but really struggles with communicating his feelings sometimes. For the most part, he can be quite avoidant, which doesn’t bother me hugely but this has been a gating item.

Recently within the past month, we have had some really tough arguments about it and questioned the future of the relationship, we have been near breaking point and both really torn up about it.

However, for the past few weeks we have had some productive conversations about us and things have been fantastic, especially reigniting intimacy in the bedroom which largely dissipated while we were in a disconnected spot. I am of the opinion that we are on the up and this has been fantastic for us and brought us closer.

However, it came out that while we were arguing and debating the future of the relationship, he got blackout drunk and snogged a girl he vaguely knew from years ago at a party. He maintains she came onto him. This was heartbreaking, and we had a really tearful argument and I said I needed some space (a couple of weeks) before having an actual conversation about us going forward.

any idea on how to approach? I am worried he has given up on the relationship, as I am still very much in love with him and want a future with him, which we were planning. I want to be able to forgive him as he was in pieces over it and I do believe that he would never do this again. Unsure how to approach the conversation this weekend or peoples general opinions on this… not sure if I would be a mug to forgive this and be able to move forward.

This will end badly for you. He sounds immature and not ready for a committed relationship. Let this boy go and free yourself up for a man, you’re both still young and have plenty of time to date others and find someone who’s on the same page. Having all these hard conversations with someone to try and convince them to move in with you is soul destroying. You deserve to be loved by someone who can’t imagine being without you, not tolerated by a manchild who gets blackout drunk and snogs other women.

You would indeed be a mug. So let's get this right. You've been together for 5 years, not living together and I assume he hasn't proposed yet either.
You try to progress the relationship to something more serious and his reaction is to create arguments about it (drag his feet because he doesn't want to), then go off and try to get with another girl cheating on you in the process?
I say this as nicely as I can... He doesn't love you. He doesn't want a future with you. I'd bet money that he tried to get more serious with the other girl and she rejected him so now he's came crawling back because he doesn't want to be single. But what happens when the next girl comes along? Will he cheat on you again, and again until he finds the girl he really wants to settle down with? I'd be so embarrassed if people knew my boyfriend wanted someone else over me. Don't do the "pick me" dance, he already chose that other girl when he made the choice to kiss her and if she changes her mind he'll be off like a shot.

DON'T BE ANYONE'S SECOND CHOICE!

You deserve someone who makes you their first choice... Always

Sooo he's not keen to move in together.

And he kissed someone else?

I think that you've been fighting over whether to progress the relationship, and despite being the injured party in the kissing issue, you're worried that he'll give up on the relationship shows a big imbalance.

You're more bothered than he is. Which is a sucky place to be in. He'll probably do worse to you.

MN is always ready to come down harsh on a man for cheating. This link is to a current thread where it is the woman who has had an affair and the overwhelming response from MN is not to tell her male partner.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5544071-should-i-tell-my-husband-about-an-affair-that-ended-last-month?page=13&reply=153361811
At least your boyfriend told you. Apparently if a woman has an affair and sleeps with someone else the kindest thing is not to confess what she has done.

I was thinking the relationship was ready to end when you said he hesitated/not keen moving in.

@vintlet Not really seeing an amazing hypocrisy from that thread or whatever your point is. It's not the same, no kids involved, no marriage.

OPs situation is she is early 20s, not living with the guy and they've been fighting about becoming more committed.

She has the chance to avoid getting deeper in with someone who has doubts and has let her down.

I always think this isn't about how long you have been together but where you are in life. By 21 my nephew had been with his girlfriend for 5 years but he was just graduating uni and hadn't lived away to do that, he had lived at home and commuted. So at 21 he has no money and starts a job. That is not a time to move in together, she was still at uni, also living at home and she did a 4 year course and they want to buy a house, not rent.

What is your living situation? What is his? Are you both at home? Living in a house share? In your own place all by yourself? What is the benefit to moving in together vs the status quo? Are you both working full time?

Some men will stay in relationships because it is more convenient than leaving and being alone whilst waiting for the actual person they will marry/long term commit to. This might be you. Why doesn't he want to move in? What are his reasons? It is potentially because it is then harder to get out of this relationship?

He may have intentionally tried to get you to end the relationship by telling you about the drunken kiss. Even if she did come onto him, he did not push her away and you don't actually know how far he went that night.

It shouldn't be this hard. If he isn't looking to move in with you now on what timeline is he working?

he got blackout drunk and snogged a girl he vaguely knew from years ago at a party. He maintains she came onto him.

He's lying. If he was blackout drunk, he wouldn't have memories of her coming onto him and the snogging because the memory transfer from short term to long term memory was blocked by the alcohol. If he has memories of it, he wasn't blackout drunk.

Do you want to live with a young man who cheats on you and/or goes out and gets so drunk they cheat or gets blackout drunk? This is bad news anyway you look at it.

To answer the specific question of your title, I would say yes a relationship can last despite this. But many relationships do not. It really depends on the relationship and where you both are. When a couple are young and have been together a long time, moving forward to a commitment can seem like a big loss of youth and opportunity. I don't think it feels like that if you've been single and had many drunken kisses and met a nice partner at 28 when ready to move to the next stage of life. I know 3 couples off the top of my head who have survived something like this. One couple broke up but got together 5 years later so it's debatable if they 'survived' it but they got there in the end and are now married with 3 kids. The other two examples worked through it but it wasn't without it's dramas. I don't think you are a mug if you forgive him and I don't think this means he is a serial cheater or anything else. It comes down to where you both are about your future and of you are both ready to commit. This incident will bring on a lot of big discussions that you may have not been ready to have yet but here you are. If you both want it to work it will. If you have any niggling deep down doubts then this is your opportunity to walk away and not waste more time on a doomed relationship. You are young and deserve to be happy

No one can tell you what to do. Maybe he is genuinely sorry and maybe he will never do it again. I have had rough times with my partner and I'd never end up cheating on her because we are going through a tough time. You both honestly sound in different places.

I think it is possible to recover from it but not with the dynamic you have. He might be begging to be together now that change is on the horizon. But it sounds like he has held the power in your relationship up until this point.

Him dragging his feet about moving forward and committing to you, to the point you were considering breaking up shows he’s either not ready for the type of relationship you want or he’s just not sure about you.

Either way I would leave to gain perspective, self esteem and see what else is out there. If you really are the one for him then make him chase you. Make being with you the harder choice. You deserve to know that he would move heaven and earth to commit to you. If he doesn’t have it in him then wish him the best and move on. You are young and have so many opportunities to find someone crazy about you. Don’t settle now.

This doesn’t sound good. It doesn’t sound like you’re in the same place. I don’t think the kiss is even the main issue here. I think it’s the fact that you’re more committed to this relationship than he is.

He’s not on the same page you are. Personally I would finish it. If he regrets it, he can rekindle things when he’s had some space if you’ve not already moved on.

@laticheau

You shouldn't have to fight this hard to progress a relationship. If someone is really in love with you, they will usually not be able to imagine their life without you and it will show in their actions.

You asked about moving in together and he was reluctant. That tells you everything you need to know. He is not ready or is not willing to commit to you in the way that you envision.

He is also not mature enough to tell you this directly so he acts out - getting drunk, kissing other girls. He is not emotionally mature.

His actions are telling you that he is not at the same commitment level as you. He just is avoiding saying the words directly to you.

Stop pushing. Leave him to it and focus on your life. You are so young, you have all the time in the world to meet someone who will be at the same commitment level as you.

It will hurt terribly right now to end the 5.5 year history you have but trust me, if you force this over the line with a man who didn't really want it, you will regret it later.

💐

Agree!!

You might be the easy option for now, the familiar one.

But you’re both still so young! He sounds like he’s not sure about moving in and committing. Time to make some decisions for you, not you and him I think.

I think realistically this has run its course.

I know lots and lots of people who had relationships end at about your age, breaking up with people they'd been with since late teens. I was one of them. It's horrible at the time but I don't know anyone who wishes they were still with that person now. I think it sounds like you've outgrown each other.

I've always said that I'd leave DP for any cheating, but to be honest, I probably wouldn't leave her for doing what your boyfriend did.

Because I've done it myself, and know how easily it can happen. Not with DP, but with previous girlfriends, when the relationship was on its last legs.

For me, the requirements for it not being a relationship ending offence are as follows:
She really was properly drunk.
She didn't go out with the intention of pulling some random
She's not going to see this person again
It didn't go any further than a kiss and a bit of a fumble.
She told me about it willingly, at the first possible opportunity

Now, in the case of your boyfriend @laticheau , he hasn't done the last one. He waited a while. But, it sounds like he told you about it as soon as he realised that the relationship still had legs. So that may be a mitigating factor.

Obviously, it's not great what he's done, but you're both young, and I do think this is the sort of thing that can just happen and can be forgiven. There are 2 times in my early 20's where I really did have absolutely no intention of cheating, and then found myself kissing someone and not stopped it because I thought the relationship was dead in the water anyway.

I've had 3 women try and kiss me in the last 20 years while I've been with DP as well, but all of those I shut down straight away, because I didn't want fuck up what I had with her. It's a very easy thing to stop, even while drunk, but then it's very easy not to if you don't think the relationship has a future.

If you do decide to carry on with this man OP, you'll have to accept that at one point he thought the relationship had no future, and that if things get difficult again one day, he may not turn down an opportunity that presents itself.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that you say you were on the up and reigniting intimacy and he then cheated on you. By doing this and telling you about it he has effectively ended the relationship.

Someone who is avoidant and can’t communicate properly is not long term relationship material.

Sorry OP but I think this relationship has run it's course.
You've been together 5 years and the prospect of moving in together has caused this much of an issue that you stopped having sex and he snogged someone else!! This is far from the amazing relationship you're trying to convince yourself it is. He's immature and clearly not ready for a commited relationship or just doesn't want one with you. Move on!