How to deal with realising I am the "Oh shit!" friend?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

That is to say, the friend who is called in an emergency but never for a drink or a coffee or a fun night out.

After some thought I realised that I am that person to someone I thought a lot of. I helped her out in a major emergency a few weeks ago, and really put myself out to do it. Before that we went out with another friend but that was a bit of a "school mums" thing (and pre covid) that I organised. Before that the last time she called me was when she had another major emergency and I showed up straight away.

We get on well and always talk etc when we see each other but ..... nothing in between. On her SM she is going all over the place to gigs and events with other friends tagged so it isnt like she hasnt got time.

I am the "Oh shit" friend arent I? Because her "fun" friends probably can't be relied on like I can, plus there is another connection through our kids that means I am far more likely to put myself out and say yes. We knew each other years before the kids and their friendship, but it is an added "thing". The realisation of this has really hurt me.

But I dont know what to do about it.

I'm sorry. That's a hard thing to realise. I don't know how I'd deal with that, in reality. I'd love to say 'call her out on it' but that would be hard too. I think I'd just make sure I was as unavailable to her as I could be. Even if it feels hard/mean, just say you can't help next time there's an emergency. She must, after all, have other people who can help her?

Agree with the first answer

Yes, it’s very unfortunate but next time she calls for help, make sure you have a terrible bout of the shits and wont be able to help her.

Would she reciprocate if you were in trouble?

Do you suggest meeting up and she doesn’t reply?

The last emergency I would have said yes either way, because it affected other people and my morals would not have allowed me to let them struggle.

But yeah, maybe I should be unavailable.

I am also hurt that she started a side hustle recently and I actively supported that, and I am just another customer unless I am needed to give something. I suppose I just thought that life had got in the way, until I read another thread on a similarish lines and thought "fuck, thats me and X!".

Bit of a smack in the gob tbh.

How about suggesting meeting up more often? And then seeing if she reciprocates? Give it a fair go. And if she doesn't, if it's mostly one-sided, you're justified in quietly allowing a little distance to develop.

Those is assuming she's not the sort of person you can mention that you feel you're being a bit sidelined.

The hard fact is that while some friendships are purely non-tramsactional, others become so when some sort of balance is out of kilter. It's hard.

I hope she would but honestly, now I have come to this realisation, I am not sure. I think she would want to but wouldnt make it a priority.

I have suggested it yes, and she "cant do this weekend as away in/going to..." she spends a lot of time away with her kids which obviously no one can criticise, but also at stuff with other friends. She is married and I am a single parent so obviously my time is limited.

So you're good enough to bail her out but not to have fun with?
Agree with others. Next time she rings you in a panic don't be available. She obviously has plenty of other friends she can call.

You can then decide what you want to do in the future.

Oh babes. Well I think you're amazing, nevertheless. Shame they can't follow my logic eh

You've realised now, you shouldn't have much trouble saying no to her from now on.

I used to be you. I've no problem saying no now.

sorry, that really sucks for you. You’re not her priority, so don’t prioritise her.

If she calls you, don’t answer, don’t listen to the voicemail, ignore. She’ll find someone else to bail her out.

Cultivate some more equal friendships if you can.

Daft thing is, I have no trouble saying no! I think this has come as a shock because I never saw her as a taker. I dont actually think that she is in terms of "CFer", I just think that in the moment she looked at her contacts she thought "Who can I call?!" and my name came up both times because she knows I will always be there.

And I am.

There wont be calls or voicemails etc. That's what I have just realised.

Yes I am clearly stupid to not have noticed this before.

This must be a painful realisation for you.

You weren't stupid though, some people are just like that, and draw you in.

You’re not stupid! Don’t think like that. Youre a decent human being and a great friend.