Defensive partner

[Kathleen995]

Does anyone have any advice for bringing things up to your partner without getting a defensive response? I (35f) have been with my husband (37m) for 13 years and we have two young kids. I find that even if I bring things up in a polite way, he gets very defensive and immediately starts talking about things i do that annoy him.

For example, this afternoon I asked if we could store his vitamins/protein powder etc away in a cupboard in the kitchen instead of them sitting on the kitchen shelf, and immediately I get an earful about how messy I am etc. It’s making me not want to bring things up to him as I dont want to have an argument, but then feeling increasingly resentful as i just end up absorbing things that piss me off.

He also made himself a very lavish breakfast this morning with scrambled eggs, smoked salmon etc and plated it up for himself, right in front of me. I asked why he didn’t offer me any, and it’s immediately “ugh you never offer to make me anything for breakfast” (I eat cereal for breakfast 95% of the time…)

I also went to visit a friend for the day yesterday, something he said he was absolutely fine with (I obviously always cover childcare when he sees his friends, which is much more often than I see mine.) I got home before the kids’ bedtime and the whole evening he didn’t even ask me anything about my day or how my friends were.

These are just examples from the last 24 hours. I just feel really sad and a little like he doesn’t even like me at this point.

Serve him divorce papers.

Why are you with someone with whom you can’t even have a normal everyday conversation without getting an aggressive and useless response?

I think suggesting divorce a bit premature 🙄

@Kathleen995 I have a husband like this too. Not sure I have advice, just empathy.
i think my husband has become more like this over time, he was not like this until the last few years and grumpy man syndrome seems at play.

i guess I choose to still have a partner, to try to see positives of our relationship, but most importantly, I’ve become more selfish to stop the resentment growing. I do more for myself now. I do recommend that-more time with friends and hobbies.
If that became source of arguments, then you need to protect your own peace and make some things non-negotiable.

who died and made this bloke king?.

I’d also be looking into making him your ex husband.You have a choice re this man and your children do not.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here. Tacit acceptance of or making excuses for poor male behaviour also serves no one well in the long run.

Deflection is a skilled learner behaviour going way back in time .To combat it, you need to not allow yourself to be deflected.

You make a request like keep your protein powder elsewhere. He tries to reflect it. When he's done, go immediately back to the main point like he hasn't said anything.

I don't even know if it can be unlearned. Maybe if you point it out every time he does it. Pull him out of that comfortable place that's probably got him out of shit in the past.

@Kathleen995 He doesn't sound very nice. What are the things you love about him?

Has it always been like this or was there a trigger point? Can you remember when things changed and he began being like this? Could he be seeing someone else, could he be taking steroids that are altering his mood, if it hasn’t always been like this there is usually a reason why his behaviour changed, it usually boils down to something to do with sex in my experience but that might not be the case in your situation.

My ex used to behave like this. It made me never bring things up. It took me a long time in my next relationship to bring up any issues that bothered me, but I discovered that in a healthy relationship, the other partner listens, is open, and you problem-solve together. The dynamic between you is not healthy or productive, and will just breed resentment and bitterness. You either need to work on your communication and problem solving or accept that this will eventually end the relationship.

Seems like you need to have a conversation about attitude and what he expects from your relationship. It'll be hard but addressing the fact that he's defensive before addressing the actual issues might be helpful. Try not to be accusatory and more curious as to why he is finding it difficult to discuss things without putting up defenses.
This would piss me off no end. Esp the breakfast 🤣

Do you use the word ‘Me’ when you ask something of him? For example “could you clear the workspace for me pls”

i used to have this with my OH and I found that removing the word ‘me’ from any request and not praising when it was done made a massive difference.

he’s not doing it for you, he’s doing it because he lives in the house and it needs to be tidy/clean/safe.

just make the request and walk away, don’t engage, don’t justify why!

good luck OP

Sorry OP. I felt a bit sick reading that because my ex was similar. Is there any chance this man has ceased to love you? He doesn't sound committed to you or the marriage.

Look up DARVO.

This is the partner that never compliments you. As for last year, time to divorce

He's showing open contempt to you.

Does he enhance your life, make it fun, easier, and provide an excellent, feminist example of a man to your kids?

It's not you who needs to tie yourself in knots trying to word things in a way that will make the man behave like a normal person.

It's straight from the narcissist's playbook.

If he is a narcissist you're wasting your time.

Sorry. x