Should I mention feeling let down by inconsistent mum friends?

[puddleduck33]

Mum friends. I have had a small group of friends for a few years, we go out together occasionally. Life can be busy so sometimes it not all of us. For a while now I feel like a few of them are not interested in maintaining our friendships. I understand that we all have our health/mental/family issues, some worse then others at time, but I hope that we support each other. My gripe is when some go 'radio silence' regularly. Plans are made and they don't join in, and then the following week "sorry I've been quiet...". I can't help taking it personally, don't they want this friend group if they spend more time out of it then in it. I won't dream of going silent and letting anyone down, maybe I'm just a people pleaser?
Should I call them out or stay quiet ?

Do you want them in your life or not?

“Call them out?” WTF, the world does not revolve around you.

I doubt it would end well if you did but you'd make your point. They'll be defensive and have their excuses surely.

People don't change because you'd like them to. No point calling them out. They are who they are. Choose friends who make you happy

Dial it down op. There probably knackered with work and children.

Stay quiet or you will sound like a crazy person. They are probably just getting on with life, which changes a lot as children grow up.

You may be faced with the brutal truth that whilst they like you… they have other friends that mean more to them that they prioritise.

Which is completely fine. I have close friends. I have much less close friends. The former I prioritise. The latter I don’t.

You are going to scold them for… being busy? Having other friends that they are closer to than you?

Good luck with that!

Call them out? Just because their priority level for maintaining this friendship group is lower than yours? That would be pretty unreasonable and a bit self centred tbh

I think it is rude to make arrangements and not show up. I recall this happening a lot when DS was small; in the end stopped inviting the flakier friends to things

These are situational friendships OP and ten years from now it’s unlikely that you’ll still be hanging around with these people. How do I know this? My oldest child just finished sixth form and my old ‘mum friends’ from school have largely dropped by the wayside. It sounds like these other mums realise this and you don’t.

If you want to find yourself ostracised, go ahead and call them out, but the best advice I can give you is to not invest too much energy in these friendships, as they rarely last.

How exactly are they letting anyone down? If they are making arrangements and cancelling last minute I could understand some frustration.

But if their only crime is not engaging in a group chat as often as you think they should, then no, you shouldn't "call them out". You should recognise that everyone has different pressures on their time and not everyone engages in groups in the exact same way that you do.

Or as others have said, this group isn't as important to them as it is to you.

Quite often, if I have to step away from messaging and groups, it's because I am struggling with something in other areas of my life. Maybe they are the same, and stepping back is giving them head space to concentrate on other things they have going on.

Also, not sure what you being a people pleaser has to do with it.

I don’t think that’s what OP means. I took it to mean plans are made/discussed in the group chat and some don’t engage and the plans go ahead without them. Which is completely fine in my book.

Is this what you mean, OP? Or age they confirming thy will be somewhere/do something and then not show?

Where did you get that the plans go ahead without the Op?

I didn’t. Plans go ahead without the friends who don’t engage in the chat.

Again - I have read the op and now where does it say plans go ahead

it says plans are suggested and then radio silence ie nothing concrete is arranged

That’s some rigid, unhealthy thinking you’ve got going on there. If someone isn’t able to engage as much then they’re letting you down and don’t care? You sound very intense and needy. Perhaps you are a people pleaser, if by ‘people pleaser’ you mean ‘has crap boundaries and struggles when others don’t’.

People react to the ups and downs of life in different ways. For some people, it can be overwhelming keeping up with groups and messages. For you, not replying means ‘letting someone down’ but that is just your subjective opinion. Other people may find the frequency of communication far too intense.

If you ‘call them out’ you will sound self obsessed and intense. You’re not going to get the result you want. We are all different and you can’t have everything your way.

When you say ‘mum friends’ do you mean people who you met at antenatal classes or similar? In which case, the only thing you have in common (potentially obvs) is you happened to have children at the same time. It’s very natural for those sort of convenient acquaintances to drift into nothing as you leave the small child stage

Some very good feedback. I need to back off and be more empathetic. Thanks 👍

You need to either accept the friendship as it is or invest your energy elsewhere.
You can’t dictate to other adults what and who they should be prioritising in their life.

Really? That is what you walk away with?

I don’t think you need to be more empathetic in this scenario.
I think you need to understand that these friends are likely closer to and therefore prioritise and spend more time with other friends

Keeping up with friend admin is another chore and added to the ever increasing mental load for an awful lot of people nowadays. Overworked, underpaid, kids, housework, finding balance, constantly knackered etc. Those that want to be in your circle will show up, the others won’t so don’t pursue it.

OP you’re getting a hard time. Dont think you need to “call them out” but I do think you can share how you feel. I’d judge how they respond to that.