Is it me ?

[WiseGreenPoet]

I'm starting to think there is something wrong with me as I'm in my 40s and all my relationships turn out to be toxic , I'm very kind and good natured and when I'm with someone I gave them 100 percent maybe that's the problem as people just seem to walk all over me , the last man I dated for 9 months I really thought he was the one , we both told each other that we loved each other, we made so many plans, and then I find out hes decided to go back to his toxic ex , I don't know the woman but his family hate her and say all she did was abuse and cheat on him , he told me a month ago that he felt like he was having a break down I told him I'd stand by him and then I find this out I'm totally devastated , any advice would be appreciated thank you

Isn’t everyone’s ex ‘toxic’?

What does giving 100% look like?

I'm very kind and good natured and when I'm with someone I gave them 100 percent maybe that's the problem as people just seem to walk all over me ,

You sound absolutely lovely OP but I think you have probably hit the nail on the head here. These days people take being kind and good natured as a sign of weakness.

Please keep on being kind and good natured but add a touch of steel to it so you aren't afraid to stick up for yourself and your own self interest.

I’m currently reading a book by Philippa Perry called the book you want everyone you love to read. There’s a great chapter in it about how some people gravitate towards the wrong people and the reasoning why and how you can overcome it. Give it a go.

If you get walked over, it suggests you might need to reset your boundaries?

You have to stand up for yourself and say no when something isn't right for you or if you get treated poorly.

I would of done anything for the last partner but he went back to someone who abused him and cheated his whole family hate her , yet I treated him good , I keep getting told I'm to soft , to kind but that's just me , should I change? I just don't know if I can

It depends what "too kind" and "too soft" look like.

Can you give examples of your behaviour where someone has told you that?

I put over people's feels before my own

What you call being kind and good natured, others might call being a doormat and a pushover! You set the standard for how others treat you - you have to believe that you are worthy of someone who treats you well. Don't settle for anything less.

When you ask ‘is it me’ the simple answer is yes but you’re not alone, i’m in the same boat, i am guilty of being too nice as well and my life story is much the same as yours, give everything you’ve got then get shit on from a great height over and over again.

I think the problem is that nice people are a ‘safe’ option and in my experience previous partners just love a bastard 😂 oh well, be yourself, don’t change for anyone, always stand your ground and one day you’ll find someone who just wants you for you. At least that’s what i’m hoping will happen, lets hope it does for you too.

Are you, perhaps, gravitating towards people who need 'rescuing'?

You can still be kind and giving without being a doormat.

Respect is a really important component of a loving relationship. Having boundaries about behaviour you'll accept and about reciprocity where the other person prioritises your feelings too, is a good thing, not a bad thing, not something that makes you less good or nice.

If you end up with toxic people, you have to ask yourself what your template is for relationships. What did you grow up around? In my experience, there is a lot of damage from childhood that makes us vulnerable, and magnets to toxic men. You have to do the work to uncover that damage, develop some self-esteem, and consciously seek positive kind men in your life.

Now you know the reason for his breakdown. It sounds like he was seeing his ex and was conflicted. As for you being too nice. I wouldn't worry too much about it if it was me. You didn't know he was going to go back to his ex. Stay clear on what you need from a relationship and the rest will follow