My DH had a bit of a breakdown when DS7 was 1.
It was COVID times and a combination of being on furlough, the lack of social interaction apart from me and the baby etc was tough on him.
He became withdrawn, staying in his room for hours.
But did muster up the energy to go to work when he was allowed. I do get this because I have a chronic condition now too and I know you can pull yourself together with enough energy to show up to something but then collapse later.
We are separated now and he's getting therapy. Things are a lot better. But I'm finding it hard to forgive because...
- It felt like he left me alone to do all the childcare and housework at my most vulnerable
- He did very little to admit there was something wrong and address it.
- There are crucial times he didn't show up for me, eg when I had a miscarriage he withdrew for 4 days leaving me to bleed and our son to care for me as he "found it too hard to see me ill"
- His coping mechanism became porn and massage parlours... something he had relied heavily on before he met me, but then stopped once he became more spiritual. It felt like he turned his back on the marriage and his spirituality to go back to that stuff.
- He was often rude and shouty which led to the separation.
He's improving a lot and I'm seeing glimpses of the man I first met more and more consistently. But, it also feels a bit too late to be honest and I feel utterly fed up and unwilling to live together again.
But then I feel guilty. I worked in the mental health profession and know how bad it can get. It feels like I'm abandoning him because he was ill.
I guess my question is...can you get over rough humps or will a part of me always feel sad at how he treated me when I was at my most vulnerable. Also sad that we had to stop trying for children and so the size of our family.