Has anyone's partner become less kind and considerate with age?

[burmesekitty]

In a bit of a crappy place tonight. It started with a minor/silly thing - my DS spotted a big house spider downstairs while me and DH were out. I am frightened of them and so are my kids.

When we got home, I calmly asked DH if he could check and see if he could spot it, and put it outside if so. He’s not at all scared of them.

He refused, called me pathetic and stupid. Said we all need to get over ourselves and stomped off to bed. It was a calm request - no-one was running around screaming or anything!

It got me thinking…we’ve been together 25 years. DH has, on a number of occasions, behaved or done things that I might consider questionable- even ‘pathetic’ or ‘stupid’ tbh. But I try to show understanding and kindness to him. I try to make him happy. But in recent years, I feel like he doesn’t do this for me.

Can anyone relate? I know he’s struggled a bit with getting older (we are both 50), so it could be part of that. There was a time I would have said he was (mostly) lovely. But this little episode is making me realise that, these days, he often isn’t lovely. He’s often quite an asshole!

Did anyone’s partner become like this for a few years, and then go back to being the kind and considerate person they once were? Or will it just continue to get worse?

To be clear, calling your partner (and kids) “pathetic and stupid” is emotional abuse and shows that he holds you in contempt. Contempt is the number one predictor of relationship failure.

50 isn’t old, or certainly not old enough to count as becoming a grumpy old man. My dad was never “grumpy” enough to abuse his family verbally and he lived with cancer for the last 20 years of his life (and was a lot older than your husband when he passed).

Do not accept this kind of treatment from a husband and father. If all he is adding to your life is his ability to dispose of a spider can guarantee you your life will be improved by learning to catch one with a glass and a piece of paper and throwing it out of your house, along with your husband.

@CamillaMcCauley - thank you. I do feel he is WAY more intolerant than he used to be and I find it so sad. I call him out on it but nothing changes. It’s like he cares a lot less about being nice to me. And I don’t know if this is just a ‘bad patch’ for him, or if it will only get worse with age.

If you can afford to go private you could have his testosterone tested and supplemented if needed. A lot of men experience low testosterone around this age and it can make them grumpy, irritable, tired, depressed, etc. I know a lot of couples report that testosterone supplementation brings the men back to their old selves.

If that doesn’t work though I’d be telling him to jog the hell on with that attitude. It’s not acceptable for him to be calling you all “pathetic and stupid” regardless of what’s going on with him.

So he’s putting into place behaviours so you stop asking him to do anything for concern of his reaction, even if he has all the contempt in the world for you he should’ve done it for his child low testosterone or not!

So what are you expected to do for him this weekend, wash his work clothes, cook? I would point out to him if he is going to not be part of a family household then he needs to get his clothes sorted for next week himself or help himself to dinner he can see what’s in.

Our eldest wants to take an extra extra teen for his birthday weekend so instead of stomping off H (who is 52) is hiring a 7-seater car and booked additional (£500 additional) accommodation. He would remove a spider whilst perhaps saying we were all being jellies, and we would be making our case that the thing has fangs and it’s own gravity centre!

Your H is choosing to be like this with his family, he doesn’t do this at work, or with his mates and peers. How you react or how much you put up with is your call.

@Cora0 - I will encourage him to check testosterone. Not sure it’s that though - he’s hairy, balding and pretty fit (does lots of exercise) so it doesn’t really track it’s that.

@frozendaisy - tbf to him, he is usually pretty great around the house. Does the lion’s share of cooking, and not afraid to muck in with housework at all.

BUT, what I feel is lacking is kindness and thoughtfulness towards me - the ‘my wife is scared of spiders so I will remove it for her’ type thing. It got me thinking about what else he does to be nice to me. Apart from making me a coffee in the morning, I am a bit stumped…and I’m sure he was more considerate and lovely earlier in our relationship.

Does it improve? No, not in my experience. I have a bit of an age gap and as we are aging I’m finding the misery pretty unbearable. I went through a stage of trying to perk him up. Then trying to understand if he was depressed…? Now I’ve just accepted some men do age like Victor Meldrew and enjoy a moan. My DH doesn’t call me names but he does imply I’m lazier than him etc I largely ignore it. It’s not bad enough to justify splitting up but I also wouldn’t say I’m happy if that makes sense.

My ex husband was pretty much always horrible but I have noticed this in a friend. Over the years he's become grumpier and more insular. Occasionally outright rude. He's older than me and I think it's to do with his life becoming smaller so he's more focused on his needs and less tolerant of other people. That said, im in my late 40s and find I'm far less tolerant and less likely to indulge in nonsense than I once was.. so it's perhaps an ageing phenomenon not a male one. Although, as a fellow arachnaphobe I would call spider disposal essential and in no way nonsense.

Yep my old always kind honest soldier turned into a liar overnight and ran to his yoga lover after 32 years of marriage. Mid life crisis desperates together although they both deny it!

Making you coffee every morning is pretty big and not to be disregarded.

I would ask him what was going on last night with him being so rude to you. Start planning your life as if he is not there, call a friend to help with the spiders. If you don't rely on him, it will make you feel better and more in control and he is more likely to pull his socks up.

I know that sounds quite cynical, but I have found it to be a successful strategy.

I think both sexes can become grumpy, touchy and moreintolerant as we age. I’m not excusing how he spoke to you at all. It’s not on and he needs pulling up on it.

But i bet some menopausal women have also reacted in similar outbursts like that to their spouses and loved ones when rage has hit.

Not the point of the thread, but get one of those long handled spider catchers.
They are game changers.

Is he dissatisfied with his life in general? Struggling with work/life balance or work related stress? This is usually what is going on with my DH when he's snappy or irritable - it's generally sorted out by me saying I know you're stressed out with work right now, but it's not ok to take that stress out on me, and him realising that he's been snappy and apologising. It's happened a few times over the years (we've been married 36 years) but when it does, I've always pulled him up on it straight away. Generally, he's kind and considerate and always has to remove the big spiders!

Can you pick a time where you're both relaxed, maybe out on a walk or something, and have a conversation about kindness and how you're feeling. That's what I would do. If he doesn't respond well to that, then I'd be thinking about whether you want a future with someone who's not kind to you - it's a pretty basic requirement in a relationship. The whole point is having each other's support and actually liking each other. If he can't manage that, I think it's a real problem.

Thanks all. Lots to think about (and I'll be purchasing a long handled spider catcher!)

@Rainbows246 - I do understand the menopausal thing, but in many ways, I almost feel the opposite. I feel like I'm more aware than ever that life is short, and I'm more relaxed about things. I can't be bothered to snap and grump around over minor things when I've been through bigger stuff like bereavement etc. It seems DH is the opposite, unfortunately.

@Velvian - yes, the coffee thing is nice. But surely it shouldn't be the only thing I can identify that he does for me to make me happy, and that's where I am right now. Yes, I know that he does a lot more in the house than some blokes - and one could say that is to make us all happy, I know - but I need more than this. I want to feel like he would go out of his way to be nice and kind to me - eg remove the spider!

Yep, mine ( early60s) makes me tea every morning but I would still say he’s become intensely intolerant - I think in his case it’s of life in general but as it’s only me in the house, it feels like I get the brunt of it . He’s always been ‘highly strung’ but it’s def got worse

What ?
Testosterone is not going to make him nicer

Sorry to hear @Crikeyalmighty . I think I am going to have to focus on my own resilience and support systems (not just with spiders 😂but overall) and calmly call him out on behaviour like this. If it continues to worsen, I am going to have ask myself some difficult questions about what the future holds for us. Thanks again all.

If getting grumpy is to do with age then you will too OP. You won’t be immune from it. Arguably women might be more so due to the menopause.
Except it is absolutely nothing to do with age.

My DP is now 70 and in all our years together has never said anything derogatory about me or the children. I would be appalled if he did. At most, in your spider situation, he may have chuckled whilst putting it out, but that’s it.

Your partner is not meant to leave you feeling diminished, you’re both supposed to cherish and respect each other. It’s not difficult if you both truly care. Even when you disagree you do so with mutual caring so communicate decently.

Out of interest, what do you for him that makes him happy? And what would he say that you do for him?

DP and I had a similar conversation a few years ago. If she's having a night in front of the TV doing her art, it's a pain in the arse for her to move everything out of the way to get up and get a drink or a snack. So every time I came downstairs to get something, I'd get called into the lounge so she could ask me to get something for her. Quite often Id be halfway back upstairs before she called me, and once I got frustrated about it (a bit like your husband with the spider).

She accused me of not doing little things for her off my own back, and I pointed out that she didn't do anything for me either. This threw us both a bit, because we both felt like we did things for the other, but struggled to actually name them.

So we both kept track of them for a week, not as a competition but mainly to convince ourselves that we weren't dreadful partners! Turns out most of what we did, the other person didn't realise we were doing.

DP hates spiders like you, so I probably get rid of about 5 of them a week that she never even sees, despite the fact that I'd prefer them in the house. I chuck the kettle on for her every day just before she gets home from work. She was assuming that I'd just boiled it for use while cooking.

On her side, she always makes sure there's enough petrol in the car if I'm going to need it, even if the petrol station is out of the way. Didn't have a clue she was thinking about it. I'm the only one who eats apples in the house, she'll always check how many are left before she goes shopping.

There were so many things like that, that we didn't even register the other was doing for us.

I feel for you as I'm going through something similar. Been married to dh for 20yrs and he has generally been kind and considerate during that time. However this past year his behaviour towards me has been awful. Rude, argumentative and miserable. Hes apologised twice now and promised it won't happen again, but I don't believe him. Im seriously considering leaving