Can a marriage recover when your husband seems emotionally checked out?

[Rararaskirt]

DH and me together for 12 years. We used to get on well in every aspect but recently DH is increasingly distant, makes little to no effort to suggest things to do together or arrange date nights and isn’t interested in me physically.
Lots of enthusiasm for seeing mates and planning to meet up with them so I know it’s to do with us.
I’ve had a talk about this with him and he says he loves me and he’s sorry and wants us to be together and he’ll make more of an effort.
I don’t know what to do. Most evenings when I go up to bed he goes on the Xbox and chats with his friends online. I’m so bored.
There’s a man who I used to work with, we got on really well and he’s got back in touch and asked me out for a coffee to catch up. Just as friends - I think. My DH knows about this and thinks it’s fine.
I think I’m at the point where I just need to be held, listened to and appreciated. I want this from my DH but it’s not happening. I’m so confused with how I feel.

Had anyone come back from this sort of situation with their partner?

We are both open with our phones and passcodes for these and laptops so I know there is nothing going on that he’s hiding.
We often randomly borrow each others phones too if going out to walk the dogs and I’ve forgotten to charge mine. Which is often as my phone is so old.

Sadly no.

Had this with my first husband.

He took me for granted and whenever I brought it up he would promise to make more effort but didnt. He actually said to me once "Well I am happy so it must be your problem". And then was utterly heartbroken when I left him. He did eventually admit that he finally got what I had been talking about. But, then he was in a relationship with a lovely woman who I thought the world of. She was kind and loving to the kids and she and I got on well, she ended it for exactly the same reasons I had! He has been single since and I suspect always will be.

Ime men like this prefer being single to actually having to sustain any kind of effort.

I would add, the man getting in touch has made you realise that there is more out there than the beige you have at home. But DONT GO THERE. Dont meet for coffee, nothing.

Because if (when) you leave your husband that will be his story to tell everyone "She left me because she copped off with another bloke" not "She left me because I took her for granted and I wouldnt have cared if she sat on his face in our lounge as long as I could still see the TV".

Mine didn’t. He’d emotionally checked out. Anything I did to try to get him to join in family things were rebuffed. He wouldn’t end things. Just treated me badly till I ended it. He started seeing someone a month later (who coincidentally split from her H a couple of weeks before we split 🤔) so I believe they had lined each other up beforehand. When he told me about her, he lied about how long they’d be dating so I know he thought it looked bad.
It was tough to feel rejected like that but I’m so much happier now and glad we split.

yes it can if you’re both honest and open to therapy.

✅

Yep, don’t meet this guy.

I think it can recover if you both really want it to, and can make and sustain changes to make it happen. Some of these are down to habits - like xbox chatting rather than going to bed together, not eating together etc. You will need to address these, and re-invest in spending time and engaging with each other.

It's easy to be enticed into an emotional affair when you're lacking an emotional connection with a SO, so it's not a good idea to meet that guy for coffee.

I'd approach your issue in two ways. On one hand, if you're bored, get out of the house yourself a night or two, or a weekend day, with a new hobby/cooking class/art class. Meeting a friend for shopping, a movie, going to her place to cook a meal together. Have him miss you, see you in a new light, be scared that you're having fun without him and he better step up to the plate or lose you.

You could also establish a date schedule, whether it be bi-monthy or otherwise, and the rule is you have to take turns planning a date and it has to sometimes be something out of the ordinary you don't normally do. You could also go to a couples store to pick out stuff to give your sex life a boost. Maybe pick a night where it becomes a tradition to listen to music in bed and talk, where Xbox's will be off limits.

The best way to change someone else's behavior is to change your own. I'd give those things a try. If communication still hasn't worked and efforts are one-sided, either ask for marital counseling or divorce. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

When my exH "checked out" it was because there was another woman on the scene....

Ime the "checking out" cos of an affair is usually more about finding reasons to be alone or leave the house and finding fault (that would be my second husband....ask me why I have chosen to stay single!). But a lot of men get waaaaaay too comfy in marriage (first husband!). They have the house, the kids, marriage so effort doesnt need to be made anymore.

This man is taking @Rararaskirt for granted and putting gaming with his mates above his marriage, so that isnt shouting affair to me. He is just comfy and lazy and will be the classic "blindsided" when she finally says she has had enough and leaves him.

My first husband claimed to not understand why I left him, despite me telling him for 5 years that things needed to change. He later admitted that he did understand, he just didnt want to put in the effort and was hoping that I would get over it and would keep plodding on.

I’m starting to resent how little effort he puts in, in comparison with arranging things with mates.
I work longer hours than him and there is so much that needs doing in the house and garden that he never notices (or chooses not to).
anyone else find something that worked for them and saved the relationship?

Thank you, will try these.
although I feel resentful that it will be up to me to suggest this or it just would never happen 😢

OP it is very hard to work on a relationship when the person causing the issues doesn’t want to. I would be sitting him down and telling him he seems very checked out, you are lonely and have had enough, and things need to change quickly or you will pull the plug. Then see if he checks back in.

Do not go out with the other man for drinks, even as a friend. It’s going to complicate things.

You need to threaten to leave your dh unless he changes. He may not realise how bad you feel. Often people become really complacent in long term relationships and he may think everything is fine as it is. You need to spell it out to him.

Cheaters often have a second phone or use app disguisers for cheating. Check his car, gym bag, work bag etc (unless you’re aware of another place where you wouldn’t look)

App disguisers are apps that look innocent eg a calculator app but are secret chat/photo storage apps.