Head over heels for a colleague. Is this a disaster in the making?

[skininthegame9]

New profile. My head's all over the place at the minute, sorry for the detail.

I joined a new workplace six months ago. Got on well enough with everyone. One day out of the blue, a male colleague confided in me he was struggling with mental health. I don't have a background in that so I don't know why he chose me out of all the familiar faces, but I was there for him. Over time, he shared more and more and oddly, rather than feel uncomfortable, I became happier that he was trusting me over others. I wanted to look after him. We bonded more and became friends. I fancied him a bit, but didn't make any advances - not the place.

Last month we went on a work's do and, out of nowhere, we kissed. I was drunk, he was sober as he was driving.

He said the day after he enjoyed it.

We went out again a few weeks after, just us two after work as friends. We kissed again. We've kissed since.

I sent him a text and said I've developed feelings for him. He's also admitted he has feelings for me, so it's not one sided. In person after, he said he wants to try and make it work but he's got various reservations. Main one being it's a family run company. His family. Relatives work alongside us and are in senior management roles. He isn't senior.

Since then we've agreed not to use the word "relationship" and we've not broadcasted anything, but agree we're closer than friends. He brushes his hand against my leg, we go for a hug in an empty room when we're struggling, he's sent me a nude (I consented). I stayed the night at his once. This isn't just friends.

I've fallen completely in love with him but just last night, despite all the above, he finally said he wasn't sure if it will work, mainly because of work optics and the age gap. And said that if it didn't work out it'd be a disaster with us still being at work together. He doesn't want to lead me on and hurt me later.

Terrified. What do I do here? We're both single before anyone wonders.

The cynic in me guesses he's already committed to someone you don't know about, and doesn't want anyone in his family to know he's been a-kernoodling with someone at work.

If he was available and into you, he'd love to show that off especially as its a family set up.

Iyswim.

“He doesn’t want to lead me on and hurt me later”

As a rule of thumb, when someone says “I don’t want to hurt you”, they’re telling you they don’t feel about you the way they think you feel about them.

I’m afraid I have to agree that they’re letting you down politely.

I think when you catch feelings for someone, you will try everything under the sun to be together. That’s unfortunately not what he’s doing. Very sorry, OP, it must be very hard 💐

He sounds creepy af.

To be fair the the age gap isn’t really a big issue based on the fact that you are 29. It isn’t like you are early twenties.

That said he is telling you that he doesn’t want to continue the relationship. He is breaking up with you or toying with you so it’s time to walk away from him.

Also if he isn’t senior, and is single, while not ideal, there isn’t any real problems with you two getting together after meeting at work. Lots of people meet their partners at work. Plus in a family company lots of people work with their partners. I think the real problem is that he seems to lack emotional maturity. He seems like he is hot and cold with you. The relationship started with him being emotionally needy etc.

I think if he were serious about you, and didn’t have form for this then he would make it work

Same, was 21, he was senior at 37. Decided on a no strings bunk up on the down low because we fancied each other. Just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary and have 3 kids together. But at no time was he apprehensive and saying it won’t work, quite the opposite. No one knew until I changed jobs.

This 41 year old man started playing you the moment he confided in you, a new, young employee in his family business, about his ‘mental health issues’.

Avoid him like the plague

Urgh find a man your own age and get some self respect. Why are these age gap relationships always the same direction? Creepy.

He's apparently attractive since you find him to be. He knows how to flirt. So why wasn't that a red flag to you that during the last 23 years of his adult life, he's never once had a LTR?

Some guys don't want to put in the effort a LTR entails. Sounds like he likes a brief bit of intrigue to break up the monotony of the work day, and a bonus of time with a temporary woman in bed, and then he bails so he doesn't have to put in bf/gf effort.

So tuck this dumpster fire under your life experience belt and vow to never repeat the same mistake. Until you get a new job, tell him that since there will be no serious relationship, you want to go back to being pleasant co-workers that means deleting each others numbers and no more conversations about personal matters.

Don't ever agree to a relationship that has to be kept secret. The right guy will want to shout from the rooftops how he has the most wonderful gf. This guy did you wrong. He's lived half his life and didn't think things through ahead of time, of what he sees as cons? It's BS. He was selfish and cared zero about your feelings. But if he hadn't actually first thought it through, he's dumb as styrofoam. Stop being the toy the cat is batting around.

Hi hun I would always say if in doubt leave it out, most probably got lots of baggage and stuff going on if his mental health is poor he needs to see a doctor it’s a lot to deal with when your in a relationship.let alone starting a relationship

Sorry, OP. He’s done a number on you and you have been a bit naive.

It’s not sensible or appropriate for a 41 yo man to be talking to a 29 yo colleague of the opposite sex about mental health problems. This isn’t really about trusting you. It’s about knowing that older female colleagues would probably recognise it for what it is - an attempt to create an emotional intimacy that would lead on to something more. If someone reaches 41 without having had a serious relationship, that is a bad sign which suggests they don’t know how to be in a relationship. An older woman would probably recognise this and also know they’re not going to suddenly change this man because life doesn’t work that way. A younger woman might imagine that she can be the right person for this avoidant man.

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, OP. You’ve done nothing wrong other than being a bit unwise and trusting in the wrong place, which is easy to do in your 20s.

This man isn’t for you (or anyone). Let him go. Someone better will come along.