Partner slips off to the pub, and I no longer trust him

[ThisLemonHiker]

My partner and I have a 4 month old. During the pregnancy and since the baby has been born he will occasionally (roughly once a month) after having a few drinks will say he is going outside for a cigarette or food but will actually go to the local pub leaving me with my our baby. My partner has a history of cheating on previous partners (not me) and has recently told me after returning from a solo pub trip and a woman tried it on with him at the pub and it happens all the time. It has now got to the point that I feel incredibly anxious every time he has a drink even if I am having a drink with him that he will just leave and might then cheat on me. When I try and speak to him about it when he gets home he gets very defensive, says I’m over reacting or controlling and threatens to leave or does leave. Currently my self esteem is at an all time low as I am still on maternity leave and he is about to be off work for 6 weeks as he is a teacher. I need some advice as I cannot continue in this current state.

End the relationship. I can’t imagine why you chose to have a child with this man in the first place.

This current state, how you are feeling right now, will only end when you've ended things with him. If you continue the relationship, nothing will change and it will always be like this

This will sound harsh. You have no control over whether he decides to cheat on you and you have no control over his behaviour.

Right now you probably feel trapped and vulnerable, and he knows it. He knows he can slope off and there's not a damn thing you can do about it because you have to care for your baby.

What you can control is how you respond to this selfish behaviour. You also have control over your future and how it will look.

I have zero respect for a man who uses a woman's vulnerability to his advantage. Do you?

Nice men with a partner and a 4 month-old baby at home do not return from the pub and boast to their partner that some woman tried it on with him, and it happens all the time. Why would a man do that other than to make their partner feel absolutely shit and insecure. He is saying it deliberately, to make you feel anxious. Horrible man.

You know he's cheated before. Sorry, but it does seem highly likely that he'll do it again.

Off he fucks then and don’t give him any more chances. 💐

You got together with and had a child with a man with a history of cheating. You don't trust him, for good reason. He's sneaking off to the pub and telling you that women are hitting on him? Sounds like he wants you to feel insecure. Nasty man.

He only behaves this way when he drinks and it isn’t always when he drinks. When he is sober he is a supportive partner and father. This only became an issue when I became pregnant as I wasn’t drinking and then when I had the baby one of us has to obviously look after him

How would he react if you did exactly this? You’ve got 6 weeks coming up where he can be available without you needing to check, so I’d get into a habit of doing the same thing tbh, just tell him you’re popping out for a bit so he’s in charge of the baby (that shouldn’t need specifying but he’ll claim he didn’t know if you don’t spell it out) and then fuck off for a couple of hours. See how he likes them apples

Oh and make sure to tell him on your return how many men hit on you!

He sounds horrible OP. Decent men don't just slope off to the pub and doubly so when they have a new baby. All this rubbish about women trying it on with him is probably covering his back for when you hear something. I'd not whu is he not just telling them to go away as he has a partner and baby. He sounds like trouble.

What a lovely teacher he sounds…. not!
I only know because I’ve worked with a few and the ones who behave like this have God complexes.
Most teachers I know are busy working every night not carrying on like this.
The lying about going outside is bad enough.
Then telling you women are after him? Pull the other one.
So Jeff tell me about why you are a catch? Well, I’ve a wife at home with a new baby, a pile of marking to do, I lied to her about coming here and I’m a pisshead.

Grim. I wouldn’t want my child growing up with such a dickhead. Tell him he either gets counselling and ends this behaviour or the relationship ends.

OP, I would not be able to tolerate the sloping off. Why can't he just make an arrangement to go to the pub that he shares with you and ensure that you get to do the same?

Telling you that women are hitting on him in the pub is weird.

He doesn't sound ideal. Are we missing many redeeming qualities you haven't mentioned? I'd be put off by either of these issues and not sure I would put up with the combination, and would make that clear.

Why is he going to the pub alone ? Usually only one reason for that - and you know he’s cheated before .

raise your standards and think of what influence he is going to have on your child .

Then he is sober? Is that enough for you?

In that case, he needs to get help with his alcohol issues. I respect he does a very hard job, but he needs to sort this out. There's nothing wrong with him (and you!) occasionally popping to the pub, but it's everything else you describe. Give him the chance to get help and put your kid first. If he won't try, you have your answer.

When you're in a serious, exclusive relationship, what you once enjoyed as a single person can't continue if it's something that's negative for your partnership.

Instead of a healthy hobby like playing sports, working out at the gym, etc. to have an outlet, he's a barfly and lies to you. It'd be different if he was meeting a guy friend about 3 or 4 times a year for a beer and a game of darts, but this situation is very different.

I guess you thought you were the special one he wouldn't cheat on for some reason. He has an ethics problem, so unless he had some major epiphany, it's no surprise his poor behavior continues.

If you're intent on continuing, be very real with him. Tell him he can no longer behave like a single man unless he wants to be one and pay alimony and child support. He obviously sees you as spineless, so prove him wrong.

You say you don’t trust him. So the relationship is effectively over.

He knows he is like this when he drinks and he is sober when he picks up the first drink. Sober him doesn't care either. Or he wouldn't.

"I was drunk" is an excuse that works once at best. After that, you know who you are drunk. Don't be drunk.

Other women have hit on my DP in the past but he doesn’t put himself in frequent situations to facilitate it and he absolutely does not engage when they do. It gets shut straight down.

I think the issue in your case OP is that you don’t trust him and he does nothing to try and ease that. It sounds very much that he likes the attention and for me that would be a bit of a dealbreaker. He needs to shape up or ship out!

Your partner sounds like he can't be trusted he has cheated on past partners he should be supporting you and spending time with your child hopefully he uses the 6 weeks to step up for you and your child . If he turns in to a horrible person maybe he shouldn't drink alcohol or maybe only once a month . If his selfish behaviour continues then maybe he isn't the guy for you

He doesn't sound very nice. Has he got a drink problem?
You say you've got low self esteem, who wouldn't, with a man with one foot out the door! You need to be your own biggest fan and build yourself up, be proud of yourself regardless of his attempts to bring you down. You deserve better.

I doubt he’s cheating. He just wants to escape you both and drink. Mostly Harmless if done openly and not due to a drink issue, not so harmless when done furtively. How much does he usually drink? Would he be open about it if you said it was fine for him to go once a month? Would that be better for you?

He sounds great 🙄 you deserve better than this idiot just because he reckons he hasn’t cheated doesn’t mean that’s true. Gaslighting and calling you controlling ? Hmmmmm just the start of it

Tell him his behaviour is abusive and you're ending the relationship. No one has to live like this.