Husband using dating sites for years and dismissing my feelings

[suzycy34]

So just over a month ago I found out that my husband of 14 years has been on dating pages, looking at girls half his age. He has never met anyone from the sites but its a major trust issue. It has been happening on and off for years. We have 3 young kids.

I have taken it badly feeling down and not sleeping much ever since I found out. He says just forget about it and move on, I want to get something to help me sleep he says you don't need that.

Everytime I try to tell him how its making me feel he just shuts me down , I tell him and he will say things like' forget it' or 'whats for dinner' or just "ok' and then he will start and talk about something else

Just wanted some thoughts on this, thanks in advance for any replies.

Wtf? He’s been on dating sites for years, looking at younger girls and dismisses you entirely when you bring it up with him?

Why the fuck are you still married? He’s taking the piss and you’re just sitting there and letting him do what he wants. I think a solicitor might be your best choice of company at the moment.

My thoughts are that you need to end your marriage. Both for what he has done and how he is treating you now.
Don't bother wasting your time digging for more evidence, you already have enough to tell you all you need to know how little he thinks of you. You deserve better.

Well, title of husband needs to be changed to ex husband ASAP.

Is there any point? Just him being on dating sites is enough- he's supposed to be married to you, he's not a free agent! My first husband put me through years of adultery and I've always regretted not getting out way, way sooner.

He does it because you let him. He has no respect for you. Leave him...He would be shocked if you did!

I'd leave op.

When you hurt someone you don't then get to decide how long they are hurt for or when they are ready to forgive you if ever.

The fact he's reacted this way and dismissed you tells me that he knew it would hurt you, he did it anyway and he's not taking proper accountability which means it's very likely he will continue.

What's the point of being on dating sites if you're not talking to anyone. He's been emotionally unfaithful to you and he's breached your trust. That comes back when he earns it not when he says so.

Telling you that you don't need anything from the gp is also highly controlling.

I know you've said you want to know everything but op honestly I think he's shown you enough already.

Fucking hell, surely you’re leaving him?!

I will be digging deeper I need to know everything

Feeling like you 'need to know' is just a way of putting off having to make a decision and take action.

Imagine you have spent weeks and months digging. You have put spyware on his phone and a tracker in his car, and have hired a private detective to follow him and get photos of evidence. (Not saying you should do this at all, just imagine it).
You found out he did X, Y and Z on particular dates, but he didn't do A, B, and C.
So what? What then?
He is still diminishing your feelings, refusing to talk, belittling you, telling you to move on. You present him with all your findings, your proof, all the photos.
He calls you crazy, tells you it all means nothing, tells you to move on and forget it. You insist on arguing, and threaten to leave. He tells you he loves you, it was a mistake, he will do better, it will never happen again. You accept his apology.
You keep snooping.
He does it again.

At what point will you stop digging and start divorcing?

Is fhere some back story, the man is clearly cheating on you, there is no way you beleive he wasn’t meeting women, so why are you just staying, what’s the reason?

Sorry, but of course he has been meeting people

"I would never have gone through with it" is literally text book what men say when they have been caught

The audacity! Of the simplest thing: "you don't need something to help you sleep" My god,who is he? He's probably saying things like "we're fine" because he's feeling fine. Because he's still sleeping. Regardless, that you are absolutely devastated. No care at all for how you're feeling. That alone is reason to be beyond raging at the man.

He's got away with this multiple times, it seems. Just leave him, it won't get any better.

You have two issues.

1. His cheating tendancies (he can look at younger women on porn sites, or even social media - no need to sign up to dating apps).

1. He has zero respect for you and diminishes your feelings because he'd have to take some accountability by looking inwards.

I get your need to know everything. Maybe what you find out will give you the push to take action and prioritise your self respect.

Unless he has a big epiphany and decides to try to right his wrongs, you are looking at a very long, miserable road ahead.

Exactly.

You need to start working out how to leave.

He betrayed you and now he's dismissing you. Is this really someone you want to be with?

He's a disgusting slimeball.

Is it young women he's looking at or teenage girls?🤑

what more do you need to know? What you know is enough to end the marriage.

“Hopefulsalmon · Today 09:45
My thoughts are that you need to end your marriage. Both for what he has done and how he is treating you now.
Don't bother wasting your time digging for more evidence, you already have enough to tell you all you need to know how little he thinks of you. You deserve better.”

This with bells on.

Stop making his dinner.
Diviorce him

Why do you want to stay with him?

Even if you can satisfy yourself that he has never met anybody, the way he is treating you now when you are sad upset and insecure is showing you his lack of love and care for you. This is not good enough in a marriage. What he should be doing is reassuring you, apologising and doing anything he can to prove to you that you are the most important woman in his life. He is not doing that. Try to find the strength to tell him the relationship is over unless he goes to couple counselling with you and tries to prove to you that he wants this Marriage to last

I'm not sure you do, actually. I think you know enough already. He's been on dating sites for years, doesn't give a shit how you feel about it, won't stop and wants you to shut up about it. What more do you need to know?

He is telling you that he doesn’t care about your feelings. Even if (and it’s a big if) he hasn’t met with any of these people, he is treating you terribly already by dismissing you and not recognising the impact of his behaviour on you.

Of course you’re having trouble sleeping. You must feel awful.

I’m so sorry this has happened.

Time for a divorce.

Forget it and move on??! Good lord, is he mad?
You don’t need to know the detail but you do need to be making some big decisions here. These are not the actions of a man who respects and cares for you. Not just the fact of using these sites but shutting you down when you try and talk about it.

This.
You can fill in the divorce forms online. Start living as separate people. Cooking your own food, your own laundry, splitting all parenting equally.
If he whines say 'ok.' A life of peace is waiting for you.