I've been with my partner (not married) for over 20 years and we have two daughters, aged 8 and 4.
I think our relationship is over. I told him that tonight, but if I'm honest it's been a long time coming.
The biggest issue is that we can't communicate. Every time I try to have a calm, grown-up conversation about how I'm feeling, the lack of practical support around the house, or how disconnected we are, it somehow gets turned back on me. He tells me I don't listen, that I always have to be right, and that he's always the one who's wrong.
What I actually want is a two-way conversation. Instead, I end up explaining why I'm unhappy while he stares at the TV or the wall and barely responds. This has happened dozens of times. The next day we barely speak, eventually things drift back to "normal", and nothing ever changes.
I don't want to keep living like this. I've started noticing our daughters copying some of the unhealthy ways we communicate, and that really upsets me. They never see their parents being affectionate or working through disagreements in a healthy way. It feels like we've just been co-existing under the same roof for years rather than actually being in a relationship.
In terms of day-to-day life, I'm the default parent. I'd say I do around 90% of the childcare and carry almost all of the mental load. Nothing is really "his responsibility" - if I don't organise something, it generally doesn't happen.
He often works away Monday to Friday, and if I'm honest I think that's one of the reasons we've lasted this long. When he's away I just get on with everything. The weekends are often the hardest because I find myself feeling resentful that I'm still doing almost everything even though he's actually home.
Financially, I feel completely trapped. We jointly own our house. I pay all of the household bills and he transfers me money each month as his contribution.
I currently work four days a week and earn around £45k. I reduced my hours to manage childcare and have been living in my overdraft for the last two years trying to make everything balance. From September I'll be back working five days a week because both children will be at school, but we'll then need wraparound care costing around £28 a day, plus school holiday clubs.
I don't think I could realistically afford to stay in the house on my own. Selling isn't straightforward either. The house has several partly finished rooms and needs work before it would achieve a decent price. I'm fairly confident we'd lose money if we sold it as it is, so even that doesn't feel like an easy option.
Neither of us has family nearby. Both of our families live in the same area about 250 miles away. Part of me thinks that if we did separate, I'd want to move back there, and in theory he could too as he's self-employed. But I still can't get my head around how you organise selling a house, finding somewhere else to live, getting a new job, moving two children and changing schools while trying to keep everything afloat.
I also feel incredibly alone. I don't really have close friends locally that I could stay with, even for a few nights.
I know I'm not in the best place mentally either. I think I'm probably depressed, I'm likely somewhere in perimenopause, I'm massively overweight, exhausted and constantly overwhelmed. I don't know how much of what I'm feeling is because of my relationship, how much is because of everything else, or whether they've all become tangled together.
I suppose I'm looking for advice from anyone who's been in a similar position. How did you know it really was over? How did you manage the practical and financial side of separating when you had children and a jointly owned home? Did you live together for a while afterwards? If you relocated, how did you make it work? And if you've been through perimenopause or depression at the same time, how did you work out whether it was your relationship that needed to change, or you?
I'm feeling sad more than angry. I don't hate him, and there hasn't been any infidelity or abuse. I just feel like we've drifted into a life where we're co-parents and housemates rather than partners, and I can't see how we get back from here.