Am I wrong to step back from my brother after repeated behaviour?

[ThatNewReader]

I’m posting this to hopefully get some perspective and I’m struggling to know how to feel in this situation. I’m the oldest sibling with two younger brothers (32 and 37.) Both have had various difficulties over the years- one with mental health and substance misuse which is very open and talked about. The other with substance misuse that only me and my brother really know about- not our mum who would be so shocked. I’ve always been the ‘sensible one’ with a job that involves a lot of responsibility/ pressure and also a real people pleaser. Over the last few years my brothers have gotten into trouble with the police several times- strangely both for sexual harassment- although both deny this and seem to feel very wronged and misunderstood.

My elder brother has just had a baby with his wife and recently got drunk on a night out and was arrested for possession of drugs and for harassment- allegedly trying to touch someones leg- although again he denies this. He’s now lost his job as a teacher (understandably.) This will be the third job he has lost for similar behaviour.

I feel so sorry for my mum and his wife who are both so upset and worried about him (and I feel awful for the woman involved of course.) They are both angry but seem to feel more sorry for him and quickly he’s forgiven. They seem to see this as another ‘misunderstanding’ despite this having happened three times now.

I’ve been understanding and supportive for them both over the years and spent countless hours consoling my mum, but I just feel so frustrated and angry with him. Selfishly I’d love some support- I’ve been struggling a bit with my mental health and there has never been any space for me to be open with them.

This isn’t normal behaviour and my mum has always staunchly defended him and there’s been no consequences for his actions. I love him but I feel like I don’t want to see him at the moment but feel so worried about rocking the boat and making things even more difficult for everyone.

Follow your gut OP.

Losing your job as a teacher says it all really.

Third job no less.....

Third job as a teacher or just third job?

You're correct to step back. He has two women who are presumably prepared to support him. If you do too you’ll be required to give more than you have. Focus on yourself and what you need, although I don’t know if you’ll actually get that from your family.

No, you're not wrong. Stepping back after three job losses over the same pattern of behaviour — with no real accountability each time — isn't an overreaction. It's a reasonable response to watching someone get protected from consequences again and again.
A few things stand out in what you've written:
The role you've been playing. You're the "sensible one," the fixer, the one who absorbs everyone else's fallout — and you've done that for years while also quietly managing your own mental health with nowhere to put it down. That's not sustainable, and it's not selfish to notice it's not sustainable. Wanting support isn't "selfish," it's just... normal. You're allowed to need something too.
The family pattern. What you're describing — where the person who caused harm gets comforted and forgiven quickly, while the people who are frustrated or asking harder questions get quietly sidelined — is a really common dynamic in families dealing with addiction or repeated harmful behaviour. It's not that your mum and his wife don't care about the woman involved; it's that fear and love for him are pulling them toward minimising, because the alternative (fully reckoning with a pattern) is frightening. That doesn't make your anger wrong. It just means you're seeing the situation more clearly than they're currently able to, which is an isolating place to stand.
On "rocking the boat." You're not the one rocking it. The boat's been rocking for years — you're just the one who's stopped bailing water out of it on everyone else's behalf. Stepping back isn't punishment, it's self-protection, and it's also honest: you don't currently feel warmth toward him, and pretending otherwise for the sake of family peace would cost you more than it costs anyone else.
You don't owe anyone an explanation for needing distance right now. If anything, the guilt you're carrying about it is a sign of how much you've absorbed that keeping everyone comfortable is your job. It isn't.

You need to do what is best for you.

As for your mum and SIL, there are none so blind as those who will not see.

Your mum doesnt want to be the mother of a son who is doing things like that, so she accepts his excuses. You SIL probably deep down knows but can't face that if she accepts what he did then the right thing to do is end her marriage. Breaking up her family and home is not an easy thing to have to do.

Look him up on the teachers' register - you will be able to see how the case really went.

I'm probably ten years older than you and yes my brother has just blown up his life again.
Yes, I have just spent, not countless hours but 57mins 27 secs, 37mins and 57 mins 46 secs in the last five days consoling my mum.
@PyongyangKipperbang sums it up with 'Your mum doesnt want to be the mother of a son who is doing things like that, so she accepts his excuses. '

A wounding stab in last night's 'chat' was her trying to make us 'fair' by comparing the huge amount of resources poured into my brother's childhood with two holidays I actually paid for in my late teens, early twenties.

It really brought home that her little Prince has been wronged by the world and I'm just a supporting character to them.

I have recently been sucked back into their orbit. I was doing very well with information diet, regular but well spaced phone calls. It is upsetting and destabilising when you realise they just won't be there for you. I must fight the 'step up to duty' impulse, it leaves me time and again hurt.

I have a similar family dynamic. I have at long last decided to step back and out. It is the only way. There is never any room for my emotions or needs in this equation. I would suggest you let them amuse/agonise each other, and you protect your mental health and keep things superficial. Do not get guilted back into investing energy into this.

Agree on taking a big step back.

Have a set phrase that you can turn to, which satisfies you and closed down conversation, without being further upsetting.

perhaps ‘as this is the third time this has happened, I’m all out of idea’s.’ Then change conversation. Keeps him on the hook.. and you off the hook to help.