Annoying mothers.

[FortyandFemale]

My mum annoys me.
I am close with my mum to an extent but she wasn’t always the best parent-very emotionally unavailable and selfish as a person so I do find it very difficult to open up to her about how she made/makes me feel.

The issue I’m having is that I feel like she causes unnecessary upset between us siblings.

We are all grown up 33, 40 and 45 now. I haven’t spoken to my older brother in years I did used to try to visit and invite him back to his home town to see us but he used excuses all the time.

He basically only speaks to my mum occasionally, he moved away and got married. It’s not a great loss as he was a crap brother growing up. He wasn’t that present really and I think we were an inconvenience to him as younger siblings.

The thing that I hate is when she tells him everything about my life & tells me everything about his life like we would be interested.
She knows we don’t speak but doesn’t seem sad about it or want to bring us all together as a family she just gossips between us all (me, my younger brother and my older brother) and expects me to care about him when I just don’t and obviously he doesn’t me either. The annoying thing is my mum always makes me feel like I’m the awkward one saying I don’t really care or want to know stuff etc but I’ve just got used to my life without him in it now & I'm perfectly happy.

Is anyone in a similar situation and can offer any advice on how to deal with this.

Sadly this is the lot for those of us with unloving parents; the siblings are divided by the history of how you were parented. Tell me more about how selfish she was when you were younger?

You seem to be blaming your brother for your mother's shortcomings as a parent, while you say you're close to her now despite the fact that she wasn't a good parent when you were a child, and she does things now that bother you enough to post on the internet about them.

I agree with a pp that adult children will make different decisions about how to move past less than ideal childhoods. My brother moved to the other side of the world, one sister is my parents' staunch defender, and fumes that my next sister has distanced herself. I take a medium position -- I see them far more often than I want to, but far less than they would like. But I don't blame any of my siblings for their choices.

If you don't want your mother to tell you about your brother, ask her to stop. If she doesn't, leave the room. If you don't want her to tell your brother things about you, don't tell her those things.

She left my dad when I was 4, moved us half way across the country away from my dad and had another child very quickly with another man who by all accounts was a good stepdad (who she isn’t with anymore now) but I knew I wasn’t his child & he obviously treated and still does treat my little brother differently. She never spent any 1-2-1 time with me and just was generally dismissive about what I wanted or needed. She was lazy and never did anything fun or exciting with us. I know it’s easy for me to judge her based on my vague childhood memories as I’m sure I was hard work at times but I just don’t really feel I belong within my family.

I am blaming my mother for causing issues as in gossiping when it’s not needed.
I did mention to her once about not telling my brother stuff as he probably wouldn’t want to know and she just disagreed. How can I keep big life events from my mum like having a baby or getting married?
I don’t tell her everything but it’s like she just loves to talk about each of us and even stuff maybe should stay confidential.
What is your advice exactly?

Also what do you mean by I am blaming my brother for my mother’s shortcomings?

I think that pps point was that your mum was the adult and you’re close with her now. Your db was a child and you describe him as a crap brother. But he was a child trying to deal with a situation, and what still now sounds like an unhealthy dynamic.
why do you care if he hears you’re married or had a baby? Why do you care if she tells you about him? My mums always telling me boring stuff about people I don’t know or care about, I just smile and nod.
is the issue that she wants you to act like you care and that makes you feel bad about yourself?

I think if you want stuff to be confidential then you know it won’t be with her. You can’t control her but you can make a decision on if you tell her or not

Yes, exactly -- you said it better and more clearly.

I guess I care what she tells him as it bugs me that he has zero interest eg doesn’t contact me himself regarding these life events it’s just all through my mother which really angers me as I don’t think he deserves to know. So you’re saying the reason my brother didn’t give a shit about me as his sister is my mums fault?

I think you're probably angry at your older brother and missing him.

I come from a similar family dynamic. My dsis and I have only just salvaged a relationship and we're around 50.

As well as her selfishness, does your dm have a history of enjoying upsetting you? Mine does, and when dsis and I weren't close she'd press on that wound deliberately for fun.

Yes ofc that’s the reason he didn’t. He was a child being raised by a selfish uncaring person as i think you described her, who wasn’t very emotionally supportive. So he wasn’t armed with any of the tools to be a good brother and was just trying to handle the situation himself. It still sounds very unhealthy now and like he’s removed himself from it as much as possible, and then you are still annoyed at him for finding stuff out about you even though you say yourself that he doesn’t want to know and your mum talks anyway.
AND you don’t bother to ask about him or want to hear about him, but are annoyed at him because he’s not asking about you
no wonder he tries to not be involved he can’t win and your mums still just playing you off against each other

and it literally doesn’t effect you if he knows or not, so you probably need to think about why you care, is it because you feel rejected? I imagine if you have a think about all the times your mums divided you you might see things a bit clearer

Gosh, no advise but you could be talking about my family network.

Grew up as one of several but younger sibling had severe physical and mental disabilities so we were definitely glass children.

When youngest sibling died, it really showed in my relationship with remaining siblings. We had nothing in common, our whole life had been transactional and there were no foundations to our actual relationship.
We now no longer speak despite living locally.

It's a nice kind of calm but mother doesnt seem to accept this, often throws grenades into the mix if things are running smoothly, playing us off against each other but gossiping about us. I now minimise and manage what I share with mother in order to live a calm life.

Yes I guess I am angry at him for not being the big brother I needed and making me feel the outsider to my mums new family!

I’ve never been good enough in his eyes, always mocking my character, shaming me, distancing himself from me.

I honestly don’t know when it comes to my mum. I think she’s so emotionally unavailable it’s a wonder if she feels anything about anything at times.

I am sorry to read about your situation. It sounds sad.
I think the reason I tell me mum so much is cos she asks and I’m a sucker at opening up easily (hence doing this post 😆)
I don’t have many good close by friends to chat to and majority of my family only want to see my kids not me so I use her for advice but then she will start gossiping about every other family member even though I don’t know or speak to them. I act very uninterested but it doesn’t stop her.

I have tried many times with my brother. It’s him that isn’t interested. He is an adult now and should be able to take accountability for being a crap sibling and acknowledge the hurt he has caused.

Same situation, I just say “very nice” whenever she brings him up and change the subject. Don’t even listen or read it anymore.

How was he supposed to be a good brother when no one was modeling that for him to see? Your mom was selfish, you expected him to do something he was never shown how to do. It wasn't his responsibility to make you feel included or any way. He was a kid himself and probably pulled away from your whole family due to your mom's parenting.

You really are blaming him for your mother's parental lack. What did you expect of him? It sounds like you expected him to make up for you not feeling included. That was up to your parent, not a sibling who was far too young to deal with these kinds of issues.

I think you're being unreasonable. He lives his life, you live yours, your mom talks about people neither of you really care about. She's not going to change. If it really bothers you, see her less and tell her less. Grey rock.

I think you’re giving your mum the benefit of the doubt because you want family in your life and she might be the only choice out there.

There are people who “win” against their upbringing eg a child of an alcoholic not becoming an alcoholic but your mum created a “cold” son with her parenting. She will probably be enjoying the way things are- you pretending that things are fine and feeding her “gossip” and the power that comes with sharing that gossip with others. She doesn’t want you to be close to your brother and discuss things directly because she loses her “power”

When your mum slags off uncles etc, it sounds like she enjoys drama and shit stirring and you may not realise it but you are the spoon that she’s using. You know that she’ll be slagging you ff to others as well right?

You’ve come up with a way to tolerate your mum and kid yourself into a close relationship. If that makes you happy then great but you need to understand that your brother’s way of coping is the complete opposite and creating distance. Yanbu yo wish that you were close but you’ve twisted things to blame him. This is his survival mechanism the same way that your way is yours. Neither is better and both is about self preservation.

Oh my I’m an annoying mother, my trio are not close and I try to at least keep them up to date on the basics of one another. I don’t consider it gossip, or shit stirring since they rarely speak.
Family dynamics are always a unique blend of history, circumstance and personality.
Blame your mom if you want but it’s more complex than her or your brother. As for her emotional health maybe she did the best she could at the time; being cold and organized was very much the parenting style of the time. Children were not your friends.

I mean thanks for being honest.
how were things with your kids growing up? Do you think it’s down to you as the parent to ensure your kids have a close bond? (That’s what everyone on here seems to think!)

I don’t blame my mum for me and my brother not speaking now. He’s 45 he’s had years to reach out and stop being a self entitled prick the fact people think it’s all my mums bad parenting is just naive

My trio were very close in age 16mths apart. Partially to avoid comparing them I had all three in different sports. To decrease arguments different rooms etc. I actively separated them to keep the peace. It was very difficult having 3 that literally were at each other all the time.
They went to different universities and moved to different areas (ones in the UK, two in Canada living multiple hours away 8+).
Dh’s family has not so different dynamics. Happy to see each other annually.

Does your mum have many friends she talks to regularly?, does she live on her own? I only ask those questions because sometimes when people are lonely they try to find ways to fill their time and will often rely on close family to maintain some kind of connection, it may come across like gossip and stirring because the only thing they have to talk about might be what each family member tells them so they relay it to you and vice versa. Not saying this is what you're experiencing, but just one theory. I guess it's natural for a parent to want their kids to get on but it's not always how it is.

Maybe you just need to be straight with her and say i respect your opinions but i'm not really interested in what my brother has to say as he's never put any effort in, i have my own life now so just don't bother telling me what he's up to. If she tries to do it in the future just change the subject or remind her you're not interested.

Siblings are not necessarily going to have a close bond. That's just your assumption that they should.

Growing up in a family where he wasn't shown closeness, well, he's not likely to show what he hasn't been shown.

And given you express your resentment of him pretty freely, I can see why he wouldn't reach out to you. You had unrealistic expectations that he had no interest in fulfilling.

Ahh yes I get that. I think you have to respect each kids need for space and 121 time so separating at times is normal.
It must be a bit gutting though that your children don’t bother with each other. I would be gutted if my 3 didn’t want to connect as adults.
I get on well with my little bro but that’s cos we equally make the effort. Maybe it is down to my brother being much older and going through the trauma of our parents divorcing and being upheaved from his home or he could just not like being part of our family. Who knows but either way I don’t blame my mum for that, I do however dislike the fact she doesn’t seem to care we don’t speak and knowing this, insists on sharing every detail of our lives without a second thought :/

I wouldn't personally be bothered if anyone knew I was getting married/having a baby, but if you do, don't tell her if it's going to bother you if she passes it on. If he's not close as siblings often aren't, it's not going to bother him one way or another, so won't make any difference to you at all.
Unless you think it's going to make him get in touch with you, and that upsets you? But from what you say he's not interested so won't anyway.

Just playing devil's advocate here (because I do believe you had a tough upbringing), but why did your mum and dad split up? How did your mum cope with that separation? Because I'm wondering if your mum was more depressed than selfish, and just trying to get through the days - you seem concerned that she wasn't making lovely memories for you, but maybe she couldn't?

And perhaps your eldest brother saw more of the breakdown of the relationship and couldn't wait to get away from it all?