Tired, drained and in need of a hug…

[WhatTheFuzzyDuckling]

Hi all,

I’m not sure what the purpose behind this post is in all honesty, I think I’m just in huge need of a hand hold/hug.

For years I have managed pretty much as a solo parent- even though I’m married. I have two young (ish) children, a mortgage, a career in which I’m currently trying to progress in, and a marriage- that behind closed doors is not what others may assume on the surface.
As I said, I don’t really know the purpose of the post, other than feeling lonely a lot, and maybe wanting to hear success stories of others who have braved this part of life and come out the other side to a more peaceful and predictable life? How did you manage the day to day battle of trying to remain upbeat?

TIA 🙏🏽🖤

It sounds exhausting OP and no way to live. If you are married, why on earth isn't your H pulling his weight and being a parent too? Life's too short to be dragging deadwood along the way. Regardless of that, I'm sorry for how you're feeling.

Thank you, I appreciate you taking the time to reply x

I genuinely have no idea. I’ve tried various ways of communicating, time of day, away from extra stresses etc and it appears to land the same way. I think he assumes because he earns more, he doesn’t have to do as much. However, I have a very emotionally demanding job and still try my absolute best by the children and the house, responsibilities etc.

I think it’s possible that I could just be moaning about the inevitable but I’m finding it really hard just recently to put on “that face” to the world and keep doing what I do. I was curious as to whether or not that’s normal in marriage/family life and whether everyone feels relentlessly bogged down?

Sadly it's all too normal. Your dilemma is whether or not you choose to live like it forever and get more and more resentful, or you go solo. And neither are easy when you've got kids.

DH was a total bastard at times when we had young DC at home and he was setting up a business - it was like he was simply "too important" to unload the dishwasher or put the kids to bed for once. So we split for nearly a year, I just couldn't cope with him anymore. And life actually got a lot easier without an adult who never contributed because the resentment left the building. After a few months, he soon realised that he'd messed up - and he did come back but on equal terms and not just on his. We also did marriage counselling before his return. He had to be reminded occasionally mind you and I can honestly say that the kids weren't that effusive about him coming back.....

I'm here with you.

I'm going through a desperate lonely time in my marriage too.

How has your day been? Remember "This too shall pass".

Thank you for your kind replies.

@Victorius19 I can understand how you must have felt because it takes a lot of stress, tiredness and built up resentment for going solo to feel like you’re easiest option. I almost think that’s the point I’m at now. My concern is that I’ll be doing the children a disservice if I don’t keep trying to make things work. However, that said, I genuinely wonder if they’d be like you said your children were because they spend little time alone with him and not sure they’d notice much change other than Mum seeming less tense- but who knows?!

@MaltaStinks I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a similar experience. It can be hard to know who to tell or trust with expressing how lonely you feel when on paper, you’re married. I hope you have something lovely planned for yourself this evening- I find reading (whenever I can snatch some time for myself or sneak away from parenting for a short time 😂) really helps my mind to stop worrying about how it’ll all work out.
You’re absolutely right “This too shall pass” but it can often feel a bit crappy in the meantime can’t it :(

You don't have to endure it.

Divorce is always an option.

I think the resentment of living with a fully grown adult who could do his share but thinks he's too important or can't be arsed, is a really heavy mental burden.

I'd far rather do everything as a sole parent than do it all as a married one.

It would probably even mean less work as he no doubt creates extra for you to do. Plus you can decide what to prioritise and what suits you, rather than running round after some arsehole.

I just would lose all respect and love for a man who treated me like a skivvy.

Hi, i just wanted to offer some love 🫶
I was in a marriage like this a long while ago, and ultimately the resentment was too much, and it ended.

It was much easier just the 3 of us as I wasnt feeling so resentful and taken for granted.

The other point to make is, it doesn't have to be like this, there are men out there who do jobs in the house, do bedtimes, homework, the running round of school/ clubs etc, I am fortunate to have found one many years later, who works incredibly hard in 2 jobs and does all the cooking, food shopping/meal planning and runs between clubs/hobbies/school runs....dont sell yourself short x

He has to also want to make things work; you cannot do that on your own. It takes two to make things work and what’s he doing?. Staying for the sake of the children helps no one ultimately, least of all them.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Currently you’re showing them this is acceptable to you. Would you want them to be in such a marriage, probably not and you’d want better for them. You also deserve better.

I appreciate the replies and your kind words.

It’s quite difficult to talk about IRL and I think over the years I battened down my emotions, told myself and learned from endless conversations with him that this is just how it is, and in turn, my self esteem, confidence etc has taken a huge hit. Not wanting it to sound as though I’m creating my own little pity party but I think I’ve reached a point where I’m not sure how capable I am on my own. I know that sounds ridiculous because I run the household, the children are cared for, the jobs get done and I always show up for professional responsibilities but financially- he’s made it more than clear that he’s the high earner.

I’ve never known any different so I almost assume that this is how the majority of marriages are.
I’m so pleased for those of you who have gone on to be brave, courageous and found happiness. They’re such admirable qualities that I hope I’m able to find myself one day, whichever way this works out.

You'd be surprised how competent you are.

The best thing I've done for my self-confidence was ending my relationship and not having to put up with his shit anymore.

There are child support calculators online and things like that so you could get an idea of what the finances might look like if you split.