Setting boundaries or cutting contact with a narcissistic mother and alcoholics in the family?

[RedStrawberryJuice]

Hello everyone. I would need some advice.

I have a narcissistic mother. It took me a long time to realize this. I am 32 years old and preparing for a new chapter in my life — becoming a mother. Having my own family has been a challenge for me; I succeeded with IVF, and I am not willing to expose my child to these kinds of circumstances. I also no longer want these kinds of relationships in my life. This situation is completely exhausting me. The main problem is my mother and her partner, who is an alcoholic.

I am incredibly happy that I am pregnant. Everyone who was involved in my IVF journey gave me support. However, I am afraid of what will happen when my mother finds out that I am pregnant. I am afraid of what will happen when the baby is born. I have a very strong need to protect myself, my pregnancy, and my child, but I know that she will interfere as much as she can because she does not want to hear boundaries coming from me. She dismisses me, belittles me, and mistreats me. This is not a good example for a child — a child can become distressed if they see someone mistreating their parents, because parents represent safety, and the child may feel fear and a sense of threat when witnessing such behavior.

Years ago, she already told me that I was rude and that she was sure I would not let her near my child because I was punishing her for her kindness. Her partner has repeatedly asked me whether he will be allowed to babysit my child. I have not yet spoken to them about this because I do not know how to tell them that I do not trust them and that I do not believe they are a healthy example for my child. The problem is that my mother does not know how to stop herself. She would simply take babies from other mothers because she loves babies and wants to give them love. She does not understand that this can cause stress for mothers. Years ago, she told me that she could not wait until I had a child because she loves babies so much. She becomes deeply offended when someone does not allow her close to their baby. When children grow older, she no longer pays attention to them.

Recently, she has also started crossing my physical boundaries. She constantly touches me, kisses me, and this makes me uncomfortable. She does this even though she knows I do not like it. Without a doubt, she will want to touch my pregnant belly and will be intrusive. When I set a boundary and tell her that I do not like it, she says things like, “You are so sensitive. No one is even allowed to look at you anymore.”

A baby or a child will not be my possession. I will simply be a mother who raises and guides my child. However, I still need to be a good example for my child and be careful about the kind of examples my child is exposed to. I do not want anyone suffocating my child with excessive attention and affection. I know exactly that she will speak badly about me to my child because I have already experienced this, and it is currently happening again — she tells other people what kind of person I supposedly am. At the same time, she is convinced that my parenting will not be good because I talk so much about boundaries. Yet when I express tenderness and affection, she labels me as overly sensitive and says that I am not even suitable to work as a psychologist. In reality, I have a lot of experience working with children, and she has often asked me to restore order when children were running around out of control. Everything she does and says is completely contradictory.

I am acceptable to her when she needs something from me, but when she does not, she rejects me. When I try to talk to her, she does not listen. She interrupts me, and then says, “You can tell me later.” Afterwards, she pretends to listen. I have had enough of all of this. More than two weeks have passed since our last argument, and I am still thinking about it. I would like to completely remove her from my family circle. We do not live close to each other, so from a practical and geographical perspective this would be possible.

However, I own a plot of land next to her house, which she gave to me. I would like to build a house there as an investment. Now I do not know whether I should do this or not. My mother and her partner are too involved with my property. They make decisions when I am not there, even though I have never given them permission to do so. I have told them several times that they cannot make decisions because I am the owner of the land. Since construction is approaching, they have started crossing boundaries again because this represents both pride and stress for them. They see my plot as if it were still part of their property, even though it is legally separate. My mother sees my future house as a source of pride — something that everyone will look at and envy — but at the same time it is a source of stress because we do not get along and because I keep setting boundaries that they dislike and do not accept.

They believe that a child has no right to tell a parent what the parent can or cannot do because the parent raised the child, gave them everything, and the child owes gratitude, affection, and should “carry the parent on their hands.” I do not know how I have survived this until now. Since becoming pregnant, these relationships have become an enormous burden for me. I know I cannot change them, but I cannot allow them to treat me this way or disrespect my property. Boundaries are not something to negotiate; boundaries exist to protect my rights.

There has been alcoholism in my family for as long as I can remember. I am convinced that my mother has narcissistic personality traits. My mother says that drinking alcohol is normal and that they are just socializing, but in reality there is a pattern of behavior behind it that damages relationships, creates conflicts, and humiliates me — even though I leave them alone and do not interfere. She criticizes me constantly and knows exactly what to say at the right moment to hurt me. Whenever I have a problem, she tells me that it is my own fault and that I am the one who is behaving incorrectly. Regarding the alcoholism in the family, she told me that she experienced the same thing and that it was nothing special — that she does not dwell on it and that this is simply how life is, something you cannot choose. She told me that if I keep thinking about these things, I will drive myself crazy, and that I should stop looking for problems and faults in her and others. She minimizes everything possible so that she can present herself as the bigger victim and portray herself to others as a good mother who has done everything for her children.

Whenever one of her children does not do what she wants, she says that she can take away what she has given us, even though legally it does not really work that way. For at least 25 years, she has been asking me whether I will take care of her when she gets old. She believes that this is a daughter’s responsibility. She has two sons besides me, but she treats only me this way. She is afraid of her sons and, in general, she has certain difficulties with men in her life. She constantly submits to them because she has experienced a lot of violence from men. She believes that a woman must endure whatever life gives her. Whenever I get tired of her behavior, she tells me that I will see how I feel when she is gone. “A mother is a mother, and when you no longer have a mother, you lose everything.” But she does not know that when that day comes, I may actually feel a huge weight lifted from my shoulders because I will finally be able to breathe and live my life without being mistreated.

She loves helping other people, even when they do not ask for help. When someone refuses her help, she becomes offended and comments on it. She wants to help, and she believes she knows best. She is convinced that another daughter would be grateful to have a mother like her. According to her, there is simply something wrong with me. Whenever she gives a small amount of closeness or affection, she quickly withdraws and becomes emotionally unavailable again. She does not like boundaries at all and always says that I complicate things, that something is wrong with me, and that I cannot tell her what she can or cannot do. But boundaries are about protecting yourself. Throughout my life I have protected myself by withdrawing, fighting back, or distancing myself. More recently, I have focused more on setting healthy boundaries, but the response is still the same. They ignore my boundaries or escalate the situation into conflict because I am “too confrontational” and because I refuse to let them control me.

When I was a child, she was abusive. She withheld love, ignored me, gave me lectures about my behavior, and exploded when something went wrong — for example, when I accidentally dropped an egg on the floor. I was actually a well-behaved child, but I defended myself and refused to stay silent. Over time, I learned to become quiet, withdraw, isolate myself, and in doing so I lost many relationships, including some that might otherwise have been healthy. I constantly heard that we did not have much, and I was blamed for everything.

She used me as emotional support regarding my father cheating on her. When they were going through their divorce, she turned me against him and told me that I loved him more and that he would not give me as much as she would. At that time, I insisted that I wanted to remain neutral and that I would not become involved in their conflict. Most importantly, she told me that if she and my father separated and he took everything from her, she would still have somewhere to live — with her son — but I would not. She was basically saying that she would take care of herself, while leaving me without a home. Yet she expects me to take care of her when she is old and dependent, even though she is completely healthy and is 70 years old. She never provided me with emotional support. Why should I continue maintaining a relationship with her? I cannot be her rescuer. She does not know how to solve her own problems, and I cannot always be the person who only understands how difficult her life has been and everything she has endured. I am also a person with needs and problems. My health currently matters the most because I need to carry a healthy pregnancy and give birth to a healthy child.

Is it even meaningful to argue with her, to confront her about the alcoholism, her narcissistic behavior, or encourage her to seek psychological help? I cannot stay silent. I cannot allow her to walk all over me.

Thank you for your answers.

You have answered your own question

The relationship will not change
They do not respect boundaries

Going NC seems the only way to protect yourself and your child

If you stay silent you disengage and cut off the narrative- that is protective and power in itself - your silence will speak volumes

Are you currently in receipt of any therapeutic support OP? What you have described here is a complex trauma, that sadly is still being inflicted on you even as an adult.

You have clearly done so much work on yourself to change the patterns your mother could not. You deserve huge commendation for that.

In short, yes, it sounds like your mother is still someone you cannot trust, rest with, or be safe near.

Do NOT build that house next to her! No amount of monetary profit is worth your emotional and physical safety and peace. Sell the plot. Give it away even! Have nothing to do with it.

Even though your child is not here yet, I can see that when contemplating becoming a mother, it is already helping you see more clearly what you can no longer accept.

My story is not dissimilar to yours, although I believe your mother is worse, possibly! My own mother engineered things in every little way possible to keep me near. I finally moved 150 miles away last year, and it has been without a doubt the best thing I have ever done. I only slightly wish we’d moved further, as she threatens to visit all the time and my only safety net is that I haven’t yet got a permanent address to give her, as we are renting!! Sometimes I think moving to Australia might have been even better…

Trust your own judgement. I know it can be hard when you’ve been raised completely in emotional service to your mother; it goes against the grain to put one’s own needs first. But now you have your child to think of, and you are... You will be a very different parent, I promise you - I’m excited for you!

Huge hugs

I haven’t cut off my own mother, (although many times I considered it) but I now use the “grey rock” approach; if you haven’t tried that, google it. It can simplify things

This!
is personally start by not mentioning pregnancy to be honest. You’ll likely see them die to the house next door to them, I’m sure they’d expect you to move in so ensure it’s geared up for tenants! Perhaps have a side door so if you have to go there they won’t see you enter and leave )if you have sufficient fences / shrubs

Goodness me, that was a very long post! I think you know that you will need to go very low/no contact to stop your mother having any influence over your child. There comes a point where you have to be honest - for instance to your alcoholic stepfather that you wouldn't ever let him babysit your child because he is an alcoholic. If other people take offence, that's their problem. Your only responsibility is to yourself and your child.

Regarding the plot of land right by their house, if you own it, I would sell it. If you carry on with your plans, you will have to deal with their interference, that's just a fact.

This is very sad OP but yes, it does sound like you would be better going NC.

You need to understand an important point about boundaries however which I think often causes problems. People talk about boundaries and wanting others to respect thei rboundaries. But that's not how it works. you cannot control someone else's behaviour. So if you have a boundary, and someone refuses to respect it, the way to enforce the boundary is to feel confident in what YOU will do at that point and, and this is crucial, accepting the consequences that might arise from that. eg you leave whenever your mum does certain things and and then yes, you might have to accept that she will be very unhappy with that.

If you go NC, then of course, you don't need to do this. You will just have a boundary of no contact and if she tries, you will ignore, block or report her.

At a practical level, do not build on that land. Sell the land and use the proceeds to buy somewhere else where they can have no influence.

I know of a woman who treats her child exactly like this. “I’ve given you everything now it’s payback time” sort of thing. He moved away and is planning his wedding. I can only imagine the trouble to come

No, I am not currently receiving any therapeutic support. As a teenager, I did receive psychological support, but it was of poor quality — most of the time my psychologist and I talked about why I spent so much time on the computer. We did not talk about my fears and worries, nor about the violence I was experiencing. Later, I sought psychological help on my own, but the more I wanted to talk about the problems at home, the more I received the message from my psychologist that we were not going to change them, that we needed to focus on me. The more I talked about the reasons, about alcoholism, the more she told me that family members can be the way they are, that if the whole family is like that, then I only have the choice of either staying with them or leaving, and that family is family — that if I choose a path without close relatives, I will end up alone.

At one point she even told me that it was my mother’s house and therefore my mother’s rules applied, which I could either accept or leave — there was no discussion about the fact that I could stand up for myself and say that I did not like those rules. And I was no longer a teenager at that point; I was over 20 years old.
When I told my psychologist about an event involving violence, she looked at me strangely, as if I was exaggerating, as if she did not believe that it had actually happened that way. We never talked about boundaries. She never empowered me to set boundaries, nor did she support me in making changes, even though I was highly motivated for something to change. She only wanted me to complete worksheets and bring them to her so she could put them into my file and have evidence of her work.
After my sessions with this psychologist, I felt even worse because I felt unheard, as if she did not understand what I was telling her, as if I had to justify myself even to her — as if I had to prove that I had the right to exist as a person who should not be mistreated by others. I finally ended therapy with her when she found one of the situations I described amusing.

After that, I went to another psychologist, but she later got a different job. I never searched for this kind of help again after that. I also tried psychotherapy, but that did not help me either. First, I went to one psychotherapist who also did not know how to guide me. We talked about alcoholism, but she did not direct me to any support group for relatives of alcoholics — I had to discover that on my own after years. Then I went to another psychotherapist who wanted to focus on my childhood rather than the current situation, which at that time was extremely stressful and overwhelming. In one conversation, we barely resolved anything. We never worked on boundaries. She told me things I already knew — that I cannot change them, that we have to find compromises. We ended our work there because when violence is involved, I am not looking for compromises; I am looking for ways to stop violent behaviour immediately.
What would have helped me the most at that time was if someone had told me how to set boundaries, how to find the courage to stand up for myself. None of the psychologists or psychotherapists I worked with ever addressed my fears and worries, even though there were many of them at the time.

I took psychological tests several times, and they never showed any mental health problems. I was also part of a support group for relatives of alcoholics, but I did not identify with it because there were many people there who had accepted that kind of life, who had adapted to it and developed different ways of functioning in such an environment. I had been very rebellious and determined from a young age that I would not do something just because other people wanted me to. When my basic needs were met, I was a very well-behaved child. I eventually processed all of this on my own. I studied Stephen Porges’ theory, the vagus nerve, and alcoholism. My biggest difficulty is that I get stuck exactly where things are clear. I know what alcoholism is, I know what violence is, yet I still have to experience it. I cannot stop it, even though I know it is not good for me, that I do not want it, and that my needs are different.

Thank you for that. I agree with you — I clearly don’t know how to set boundaries in a way that makes people respect them. My wish is that when I say “no,” people stop what they are doing. It is my body, my life, and if I say that something is enough, they should stop that behaviour. I don’t care if they behave like that with others; I won’t try to save everyone. But I want them to stop when it comes to me.

I have already talked to my mother about how much it bothers me that she smokes near me because I have some breathing difficulties that get worse when I am exposed to strong smells. She always “forgets” about it and behaves as if she can do whatever she wants because, in her words, she is free and no one can restrict her. I have never told her that she is not allowed to smoke; I have only asked her not to smoke near me. I also remove myself from the situation, but she repeatedly comes closer to me with a cigarette and ignores the fact that the smell bothers me. She says that other people are not bothered by it. Her opinion is that if I am the only one who has a problem with it, then the problem is mine and I should accept it because others do. She immediately makes comparisons. For example, she compares her smoking to the way I dress — saying that nobody tells me I cannot dress a certain way, so why should I tell her that she cannot smoke.

I have been living on my own for some time now, so things are easier. It no longer affects me as much when she criticises me. I tell myself that I am okay the way I am and that her comments are just nonsense. What really throws me off balance is when I set a boundary and she refuses to respect it. Many times, she does exactly what she knows will provoke a reaction, and then she can say, “That is exactly what I wanted — for you to get angry.”

She is kind toward my husband and likes him very much. Whatever he asks her, she allows. My husband and I have already talked about the fact that when I set a boundary with her, he will need to support and confirm my boundary so that she sees that we are united. My husband prefers to stay quiet, even though he agrees with me, because he thinks the best approach is simply to ignore her.

Thank you all for your advice.

The biggest problem is that I have learned to live a double life — one person at work and with friends, and another person around my family. Around family, I am quieter because I learned to be that way. I don't talk about alcoholism, violence, or similar topics because everything my mother carries inside comes back at me whenever she wants to prove that she is right.

At work and with friends, I am a completely different person — happier, more open, I express my opinions, and I talk about alcoholism and similar topics. But I am tired of living this way. I know alcoholism is an illness and that it affects me deeply. I cannot continue pretending in one environment that alcoholism is normal, while in another environment I understand it as a disease.

At work, I hear people’s stories about violence and alcoholism, and I know how to advise them and truly listen to them. I am very focused on helping people who are struggling. But at home, this completely drains me because I repeatedly lose the sense of power to stand up for my own wellbeing. It is very different when you help people who are in distress compared to when you are experiencing the same kind of distress yourself.

I am a very honest person. It is difficult for me to think one thing internally and express something completely different. I only do this because of fear. I have becoming more and more brave in expressing what I truly think.

The most exhausting part is that I never know when something will happen, or from which direction it will come. This does not happen anywhere else in my life. I have started holding up a mirror to her behaviour, but no matter how many techniques I have tried, none of them have worked for a long time.

I think that what is placed in your cradle will always remain there as your shadow. I also know that you should not run away from problems, but actively face them. However, honestly, I no longer have the energy to keep investing myself in the same conflicts over and over again. I have my own life. I will have my own family.

Thank you. I will try that. I hope it will bring some results.

Sell the land.
Move far away.
Go no contact with them.

Don’t do it OP. Run. I am trapped living next door to my narc father and enabler mother. I am utterly miserable and trapped. He owns my home and I live here rent free. But god I wish I could be free. I’ll finally be free the day he dies. Good luck with your pregnancy. Protect your child at all costs. Do what I couldn’t.

I’m so sorry you have had to experience all of this OP, especially from a parent. My advice would be no-contact. It sounds like there may be a constant worry for the safety of your child and you also need to protect yourself and your peace too. Whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out for you ❤️