Scapegoated and desperate

[belovedandpureones]

Please help me!
Awful marriage for 30 years
Husband has always been emotionally abusive and cold to me, despite knowing I had a history of trauma when I met him. As we have gotten older, I believe he smears me to others using my mental health. I have had periods of anxiety and depression due to trauma from my current marriage and also from past abusive relationships.
i had a son when we met and we have a daughter together. I believe my husband has spoken to them under the guise of concern whilst pairing me as unstable to cover his own back for the wrongdoings he has done throughout our marriage. I asked for a separation a couple of years ago and he threatened to destroy me and so I wonder if he has already set out to do that? I logged his threat with the police.
My mum was always emotionally absent in my childhood and my Dad was abusive
i am NC with my covert narcissist mother for the last 2 years, since before my grandchild was born, as she was trying to compete with me with my son re my grandchild before my grandchild was even born. She has dripped poison into my son’s ear ever since he was small in order to be number one in his life and this really hurts me. I was unaware of her toxicity when younger and she babysat my son when I worked. I noticed in my mid 40s that my birth family was splintered and my mother controlled all the relationships. No one else seems to see it .
My son has recently stopped visiting my home with my grandchild and this is driving me crazy as he insists everything is fine. I am wondering if my mother has triangulated us. Or even my husband? We meet outdoors once a week. My son takes my grandchild to see my mother at her house and this hurts me deeply. I cannot escape the scapegoat role
i am and always have been family scapegoat and am not treated with respect by any of my family. I am seen as unstable and dramatic and just prove that more when I get distressed at my family situation.
Many years ago, my sons father wished me dead and held me at knifepoint on another occasion and my mother and siblings still speak to him:
I am in touch with a DV charity and am slowly making plans to move, such as decluttering my house.
Any ideas/tips would be welcomed as I feel I am drowning. I have never known an emotionally healthy relationship

@belovedandpureones as hard as it might sound i would try and find a safe way to get out that relationship but it sounds like he’s a bit dangerous so i’d be very careful about how you do it, once you’re out and you’re in a better place maybe you can start to get your relationship back on track with your son.

Easier said than done i know, is there anyone you can confide in or a local women’s charity/group that can help you?

Hi yes friends and colleagues are aware and I am awaiting input from a DV charity and also counselling. I am getting my ducks in a row to leave when the time is right

Good on you, just play smart and please stay safe, if there is any kind of indication he’s getting violent just leave and go stay with a friend or something, don’t put yourself at risk.

He has never been violent but he is devoid of empathy with me only. He is very threatening though

Leave as soon as possible.

Call women's aid if you have to.

I feel so alone and trapped 😢

Good luck. You do deserve better.

On the son not bringing DG to yout home but meeting you outside. I think that's not about you but about your H....

He gets on well with my husband though and sides with him over me.

As hard as it is if your son is going to side with an abuser I'd scorch the earth with the lot of them.

Tell your son you're there if he ever needs you but right now you're going to start doing things for you and that means kicking out an abuser.

Fuck the lot of them.

I am so sorry to hear that OP. Reading it sounded like my mother, thankfully NC for years now. She tried to 'buy' my son but it didn't work as he was a bit too clever for that but he did go through a long phase of thinking I was the problem. Mum is an alcoholic narc who has tried to control everyone in our family with her money.

(Ex) Husband was a bit similar to yours but not violent. Emotionally abusive and also scapegoated me/gaslit me. I almost ended it all when my son was young. I had no idea Mumsnet existed then or would've been posting I expect.
All I can say from my own is experience is to start working on yourself from the inside. For me exercise and meditation helped. I got stronger mentally and physically and the turning point was when I realised these people were absolutely full of shit and I stepped away from them all. Stop listening to them. Stop wasting your energy on them. Hopefully your son will come round at some point. Mine saw me move from mentally unwell to strong, independent, happy, free! - whilst I think my mother is continuing to pickle herself and spread her poison everywhere. Ex struggles to get through life on his own at times! You can do it!!

Sorry you went through something similar @drainman. My mother is a true covert narcissist but she hides behind a cool and calm exterior and so I look like the crazy one. My husband is the one I have the most resentment for as he is a pure bully. He knew i was vulnerable when we met and used this to abuse me himself. Now to figure out how to escape as I am genuinely scared of what he might do!

There’s a very fine line between threats and violence, just watch your back and try and find a way out as soon as you can. You deserve better.

Thank you, I definitely do! If I had no financial ties to the man I would definitely have left by now