How to build and move forward

[Stayinganontoday]

My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years. The truth is that (and I know it’s a walking contradiction) ever since he had the big change I would say we have 360 very good days a year.

Without going into a lot of detail….

Around 8/7 years ago he went through a period of being an awful awful person, violet, would drink to much, spent £20k on cam
Girls when we needed the money, sexted someone, messaged random women, you know a total gem!

However, he got cornered and he accepted he was wrong etc, and things did improve massively and we became the happy couple that we are these days.

I only told him he had a very simple rule not to message random women as I know they could escalate (he seeks/loves validation). Anywho, it all went well until 6 months ago when he broke his promise. I don’t check his phone so he’s the only one who knows the truth.

About 4 weeks ago he took my medication, so that was a turning point that he needed some sort of external help. I’ve always been of the idea that he should be more measured rather than just stop cold turkey but he hasn’t ever been to get there, although he does drink a lot less these days.

Anywho, we had another fight (I have PTSD from my father (and some of my husband actions) but my husband wasn’t aware. Big fight … and well
We’ve decided to try yet again but this time he’s gone cold turkey on social media. I’m a bit skeptical about it as I think he’ll betray me again, but I rarely think about it so I’m
Ok with that. I just want long periods of “peace”. We’ve had them, so I know it’s possible, I guess the question is how to maintain them for longer periods of time.

Like I said as weird as it sounds we do live a happy life.rel

Why do you want to stay with this feckless, unreliable, abusive loser?

Perhaps it might be worth having some counselling (by yourself, not joint) to find out why you are accepting this horrible relationship and tolerating his treatment of you. There is clearly something traumatic that happened to you in the past that has seriously affected your sense of self-worth, and you need to get to the bottom of that and heal from it.

Because it does bring me happiness (as bizarre as that sounds).

Yes, but why?

Why are you so easily able to accept such a disastrous relationship with someone so awful who has let you down and abused you time after time, and why are you happy to take it on the chin?

So he does the marital version of the Purge including a sequel recently.

You say you want long periods of peace. But you get something out of this drama so you stay.

If you really wanted a peaceful life, you'd accept this is what he is and either leave or stay and let him cheat and steal your meds or whatever in peace.

Because it does bring genuine happiness!

and I know it’s true and not a delusion because I have hyperphantasia.

when stressed or sad I can see horrendous things (like walls made out of flesh and bleeding) when I’m happy I see nature and green fields, and I can smell the flowers. With my husband I’ve experienced the latter and never the former.

My ex MIL could have written this.

Always excuses for him. Even when she turned up at my house with a black eye.

Their marriage only survived because he had a hobby that took him away from the house for days on end, and he occasionally worked abroad (where he had affairs).

The really sad thing to see was her envy of people like my parents who had a functioning relationship and enjoyed holidays together. She was bitter. She is less bitter now that he is finally living elsewhere and she is beginning to find a new life and a new independence. She seems happier.

My ex-husband and his sister used to sit of the stairs and cry when their parents were arguing. My exH said that he used to sit there hoping they would just divorce.

She could have had a happier personal life and fulfilled her potential, seen other places, enjoyed going out with a man who wasn't financially and emotionally abusive because he loved alcohol most of all.

But, what can you do?

But we don’t argue and I still live a very fulfilling life life.

and I actually have never excused him, he’s an ahole just that I find redeemable qualities in him

But we don’t argue and I still live a very fulfilling life life.

and I actually have never excused him, he’s an ahole just that I find redeemable qualities in him

... and yet here you are excusing him.

Like I wrote, what can you do? Nothing. Why are you posting? What advise are you seeking?

I will give you the advise you are seeking. Your husband is a gem. Just disregard the being an 'awful awful person, the violence the drinking, the £20k on cam-girls, the sexting, the PTSD you have from being in this relationship.'

And you wrote 'anywho, we had another fight.'

…..awful awful person….violent…would drink to much…..spent £20k on cam girls when we needed the money…sexted someone….messaged random women……6 months ago when he broke his promise…..he’s the only one who knows the truth…..he took my medication…..we had another fight…big fight…

we do live a happy life….I still live a very fulfilling life…..

Well you don’t want to do the obvious. So, that’s all good then.

No, the PTSD mostly comes from my father but I can like the two now. The

You say you are happy so what is it you want to build and move forward? Everything is fine isn't it?

A very fulfilling life, and it all brings her happiness 🤷‍♀️.

Well that’s for the most part true, although there’s normally some time to recover from the setback which is normally just days

And because your husband isn't like your father, you believe that this relationship must a good one. And that is really worrying.

What do you mean by taking several days to recover from a setback? Nobody should ever have to do that in any relationship.

And you are here because...?

Oh common you’re telling me that there are relationships with zero problems? Because I’ve never met one. Not from friends, families, acquaintances etc

Please say there aren't any children involved here.

Yes, but they’ve experienced any of it.

in fact they love being here! (As they have a choice of being here or with their other parents).

Their other parents?

That makes no sense whatsoever.

Do you and your loser husband have children together that live in the same house as you?

It sounds like you’re in denial about what a relationship should look like.

what advice are you hoping for? Someone who has been there?

my relationship issues surround the fact the fucker leaves his socks around the house and leaves the sink grotty. That’s it. I’m not bragging - just being honest that there are no drunken fights or cheating. Just humdrum irritations that are solved with a huff and an eye roll.

it’s been 14 years. We’ve never had any kind of fight. No arguments of note. So yeah nobody is perfect I’ll take socks & sink crimes over all that nastiness.

yes! Between them all we have 4! And like I said the older ones (one is at uni) much rather spend time here with us

From your OP, OP:

'(I have PTSD from my father (and some of my husband actions).'

Exactly it’s mostly from my father but I can link the two (which is the smell of alcohol) but not the breath or the drinks themselves it’s the stench that is mixed with sweat, it’s a very particular smell