When (or how?) do you relax in a new relationship?

[eewwdavid]

And it's not even all that new...almost a year.
Both older, divorced. Don't live together but close by so see each other a few times a week. Everything going well, he's a lovely kind person who communicates well and we talk about the future. But my feelings are so extreme! If I'm happy I feel giddy like a teenager. If I'm worried about something to do with our relationship (almost always unfounded or easily resolved) then i feel so dramatic about it. I don't show him this, he thinks I'm lovely and calm! But my stomach is always churning and I never feel secure for long. Does this wear off eventually?!

I hope so for your sake. That must be exhausting.

Were there trust issues in your previous relationship? Maybe you are flipping between hope that this will go well, and expectation that he is really like all the others.

I tend to bumble along and hope that trust grows in time, not address it short term. I think you judge people by deeds not words, so I let enough time elapse to give a reasonable view. What other option is there? If you aren't sure after a year, that doesn't sound good.

Have you read up about anxious attachment? Could be that.

Generally, I recommend centering things like yoga, meditation, and especially journalling for ordering your thoughts and getting perspective.

And deep breaths! Hope you can relax soon.

Thanks! @Meadowfinchmy ex dh cheated on me, but that is one thing I absolutely do not worry about with new partner.

@midJulytargeti haven't heard of that, thank ypu, I will read up.

It is exhausting, and it feels like the power balance is wrong, because I'm second guessing myself all the time. Poor DP has genuinely done nothing to cause this!

You've done really well to notice it and be able to explain it clearly. There's tons of help on the internet, eg some very good videos, about calming your nervous system when it becomes activated by attachment issues.

Above all, remember you can be ok and strong in yourself whatever is happening romantically x

Thank you @midJulytarget
I read some stuff last night and so much of it applies...the main big difference i feel is that I keep it to myself...i have the absolute fear of being the needy girlfriend always looking for reassurance!

I'm very similar to you in that way, I've become more securely attached over time but when I wasn't I kept it all inside. Feel for you! x

I could have written this OP.
Same battle for years.
What has helped me is a combination of FTF therapy and chatGPT.

You need to be aware of the limitations of AI but honestly for me it has been a game changer with reframing my thoughts and challenging my anxious ideas.

I think if someone has cheated on you it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under your feet.
And that feeling stays.
You're not worried that your new partner will cheat but you feel there might be some other bombshell about to drop.

I think that's very true @limetrees32

I also realised the other day that I don't have a frame of reference for a healthy, lasting relationship...friends are single after divorce or have never found a partner. I know many people stay together happily for a long time but I don't seem to know any of them!

@ThatAquaRobindid you settle down into your relationship with that help?

I'd love to shut off the noise in my head...constantly ruminating

We’ ve been together 14 months and it is only this week I’ ve really relaxed into it. He is lovely -it was my insecurity from my unreliable ex.

Yes we are almost 10 months in now. Both aged 50s and married before.
My history is that my husband ended our 14 year relationship and blindsided me.
I waited around 4 years to try dating again
After that I met a narcissistic alcohol/coke addict but that lasted 3 months.
Now I am in a relationship with a lovely kind man. But I'm always waiting for the catch, or the shoe to drop
My biggest anxieties are around WhatsApp message gaps and making sure that I do not sabotage by making up stories in my head.
Classic anxious attachment primed by previous experiences.
You have to find a way of kindly and calmly stating what you need and asking your decent partner for clarity
For me it's things like confirming weekend plans.

I still struggle with "where we are headed" but that's partly because there are no easy answers to blending family and moving in when you live 40 mins apart and have kids in school.
Honestly chat GPT. I pay the monthly subscription and remain vigilant for when it's over stretching or 'hallucinating' answers. You have to critically appraise the output from chatGPT but it really helps me remain rational, stuck to facts etc.
It is good at bringing me down in the midst of an anxiety spike, and prevents me double or true texting. Which is how I would have behaved years ago.

Thank you so much. I was equally blindsided by the end of my marriage. I thought I was ok with it now (genuinely delighted not to be with my ex anymore) but i guess it's done some damage

@KittyCorncrakemaybe I'm almost there then! I'm glad you feel good now

Oof, yes!
After having a very long term relationship end, then a rebound, then a situationship which has drifted closed I've been dating a lovely man for 3 months.

Absolutely what you describe. Also finding Chat GTP helps. I've written it a script for how to respond to me, so it is blunt and uses humour and sarcasm as that is what I respond well to.

A few times where our (mine and his) communication styles didn't match up, it gave me the likely reasons and was right. It rends to err a little to team him rather than team me, but is very good at reminding me about the good bits. It is great for me to ramble on to. My thoughts tend to loop, so I'd drive a real person insane. It was also good for spotting where I was slipping into a darker place due to unresolved stuff, and pointed me in the direction of human help.

I'm hoping the nerves will go. He is lovely. Just wish I could relax in the between times! Good luck OP, you're not alone.

@soffftyaaargh I wrote a long reply there and then somehow lost it! But weird as it sounds I'm glad I'm not alone!
I need to relax as I get into this loop of saying to myself "act relaxed" when I'm with him😅..then of course I'm not relaxed at all.

Also @soffftyI'm curious, when you say it pointed you in the direction of human help, where did it direct you to?