Addiction history

[Cautious82]

Just looking perspective really.

I've met a lovely man who I get on really well with. We have got to know each other fairly well, he seems to be in a steady place in life, good job, his own home and a very good relationship with his adult kids. He's gentle and caring and we have lots in common and great chat and chemistry. He makes me feel really listened to, respected and safe.

He's recently disclosed that about 10 years ago he had an active addiction and has been completely sober for the past 8 years. He seems to take good responsibility for himself and he's aware of what he needs to do to keep himself healthy and that seems to be working well for him. He now does a lot of work in communities supporting others to empower themselves and overcome similar challenges.

I have a young son who is my world and this has just made me a little cautious. I'd no intention of introducing them any time soon irregardless but I'm now torn between the risk of relapse which could happen at any point under the right circumstances, and then at the same time I've learnt the hard way from my sons father that someone can look perfect on paper and still hide big parts of themselves. So in that respect I'm wondering if someone who has a history but takes active responsibility for themselves is in many ways safer than someone who doesn't have a history but isn't accountable/ is secretive?

I've worked a lot with addiction due to my line of work and I know a lot of people who have struggled in the past and who do extremely well. But as a mum I just feel a huge responsibility to 'pick right' next time I guess.

Just keen to hear other thoughts.

What is he addicted to?

Heroin?
Alcohol?
Cocaine?
Gambling?
Sex?

The answer may make all the difference.

Alcohol

Ok well I personally wouldn't take the risk I'm afraid.

This is because unlike heroin for example, alcohol is everywhere.

It's in supermarkets, local corner shops, pubs, clubs, at weddings, christenings - you name it and you'll see alcohol.

I'm not saying all alcoholics go back to the drink but if you're looking to 'pick right this time', I wouldn't risk it.

He’s been honest and told you about his past. He’s been clean for a long time now - eight years and it sounds like he is a mentor/coach for others going through similar challenges.

It sounds like he’s done a lot of work on himself and his recovery. You could perhaps talk more to him about that experience and how he manages his lifestyle now. It wouldn’t bother me in terms of relationship, but I do understand because you’re the parent to a young child people want to naturally protect that child from any harm.

History of addiction was a no for me in dating because I grew up with an alcoholic parent.

When is it long enough without a drink for a person to be trustworthy?

I've been sober almost 25 years. Mind you, I wouldn't date me.

Also, both parents dead from alcohol. And an aunt. Fucked up family.

I think this is a really good point, i don't know if time on its own is really anything to gauge by. For me what's giving me pause is the work he's clearly done on himself, the way he talks is fully accountable and from what I've seen he's reliable and he knows what works for him and he follows through on that consistently and still makes his recovery a priority. He's been able to repair the relationships with his kids in the process which is not a small thing. Plus he's built a solid support system around himself so those things moreso than length of time is what feels more trustworthy?

We're both at a stage where we're old enough to be finished having kids so I guess I'm thinking I'm in no rush to move someone in or reestablish any sort of family unit, I have that with my son already and that feels pretty complete so anyone who comes into my life will very much need to be capable of holding his own to keep his place there. I'm not sure I see myself fully merging my life to the point of relying on any man for anything again.

I think unfortunately in the world of tech now everything is pretty much on your doorstep though isn't it which makes it very hard for managing any addiction.

Not really.

You may be able to text your heroin dealer but you're not going to be surrounded by drugs every time you nip to the supermarket or attend a family BBQ.

I was married to an addict and wouldn’t go there at all. That said if I hadn’t that experience I wouldn’t write someone off after proving themselves for 8 years. It shows great strength and if the persons got other strategies and made changes that he sustains I’d give it a go. I’d be out the door first sign of trouble though. He’s been honest, many would lie and say nothing, also shows he’s not scared to admit it which implies he’s happy to be held to account

I see your point about the visibility aspect of it it's a good point.

From step-familial experience…
Sorry to say but don’t go there!
If he moves in and the going gets tough ….

Risk it at your peril. Keep your head screwed on.

As long as you never intend to merge things I think it’s fine. Let’s be real, most relationships don’t last forever, it’s far likely that something else will split you up rather than him going back to boozing.

I wouldn’t bother introducing my child. Just keep it as a light, fun relationship. A bit of company.

I do know alcoholics who have been sober for decades so it can be done. But I think you have to be realistic about the possibility of relapse as they do happen, sometimes after a long time.

There's also the risk of crossover addiction - addictive personalities are addictive personalities and they can swap one addiction for another. Gambling, overspending, obsessive eating or exercise can all replace substance misuse. It sounds like he's done a lot of work and is probably aware of his triggers. Hopefully he's still receiving support from AA or similar.

I think if you decide to keep seeing him, proceed with caution. Keep the relationship seperate from your child for the foreseeable future and see how it goes.

He sounds a lot like my DP. Similar timescale too. He also more recently had issues with opiates, although still before I met him 3 years ago.

For me his openness and honesty about his past is the most valuable thing, I know he’s 100% trustworthy and would tell me the moment he even had thoughts about turning to substances again - in fact he will occasionally admit to having thought about it and talked through the implications with himself.

But even when we’ve had big arguments and even separated for a short time, he didn’t fall back into either alcohol or drugs despite feeling at rock bottom, so I’m actually more confident that he has it under control and that he’s honest and accountable than I would be with someone who’d never had any such issues! It’s like he’s been tested and passed.

I know it’s a big thing to take on, but I truly believe that my DP is a good man and deserves the benefit of the doubt. If everyone were to write him off because of his past what’s the point in getting sober? If something were to happen in future then we would have to talk about the ramifications, but I trust him as much as any man - if not more so.

I do understand that people’s answers to these questions will be coloured by their experience - as mine is. I’ve been in recovery for many years and have a huge number of friends who have been sober for anything up to 40 years. Alcoholism doesn’t always start from a young age - I’ve known people who come into the rooms in their fifties, for instance following the death of a parent, or later (one when he retired and was basically lost and bored).

If this man is continuing his path of recovery and self awareness then after eight years it’s pretty firmly entrenched. We’re all only looking at the next 24 hours but that’s a good period of sobriety behind him. There are no guarantees about anyone, ever.

This.

I'd leave it a very long time before introducing a child into it, if at all. You have no desire to live with anyone (at present anyway) so you can keep it light and commitment-free. It would also give you an opportunity to see how he behaves when the ups and downs come along, which they inevitably will.

On the other hand, having lived with temptation so easily at hand for eight years suggest he’s learned to manage any thoughts about it well.