Is a long distance blended family relationship sustainable for another decade?

[HikerandBiker]

I am 42 and I have been with my partner for 3 years. We both have children from previous marriage, I have two ages 5 & 8, and he has one kid aged 8 - we both have our children 50/50.

As a human he is wonderful. spontaneous, funny, laidback, handsome and supportive. He has his faults, he is chaotic, not v.organised, v. stubborn and a bit of a chaotic ex (not his fault but its a thing).

We live about 70 miles apart, its about an 80 minute drive, so we dont see each other very often, we have every other weekend guranteed and about 1 week night a week. Im reticent on the weekends with our kids to meet up too much as there isnt enough room in the houses for sleep overs and its a bit too far for a day trip. We do it sometimes but not v. often. Our weekends together are starting to be disrupted as we have to go collect his boy from his ex's house as he doesnt want to be there.

I am starting to reflect on how sustainable this model is. Living entirely apart. It would probably have to carry on for at least another decade. I love him, but I don't love our relationship set up. What I am wrestling with is how important is sharing my life with someone who is a part of my world and friends etc vs sharing my life with someone who has my heart but isn't here that often and not part of my day to day.

Would i regret letting go of someone who still gives me butterflies? Or would I regret not pursuing the type of life I want but at the risk i wont love someone as much as I love my partner?

I am in the exactly same boat! So waiting to see what other people say. I am leaning towards ending the relationship at the moment as it is just too far and not sustainable for me long term (I.e. I don’t want to wait 10 years to build my life with someone).

Can you really not do more day trips if you are only 80 minutes apart? It takes me 75 to get to work.

That would help spend more time together in the short term which might help you make a longer term decision

What is the problem with carrying on with every other weekend and some weekdays?

We aim to do one a month...but as I have my kids 2 x weekends a month, they want to spend it with their local friends, or with my family or just at home - so although every now and then it is possible for a trip out in the car 90 mins one way, and 90 mins back home is 3 hours of car travel and its not with their friends/family - so its hard to do it more frequently than once a month max

I am missing the closeness of sharing my day to day and life with someone, the daily tactile elements, shared friends and social circle. Also the going between two houses, packing a bag etc gets tiring amongst it all. But I am trying to understand if those downsides are worth it in the long term

I think the negatives outweigh the positives.

You want someone to live with. This won't be possible for years given the kids' ages and distance.

He's chaotic and unorganized. If you do live together, that will get really old really fast, especially with kids involved and teenagerdom down the road.

Problem ex. I think this will impact you more if you get more involved. He already has to go interrupt your weekends to pick up his child from ex. This might be a situation where he ends up with more or full custody and you guys don't have room for that, plus he would have to really focus on his child.

What if the kids end up not getting along?

The positives are you still have butterflies. Do you think that would survive living together or all the negatives? Or last for another decade?

I don't think this is sustainable for very much longer, much less until all your kids are out of the home.

Iit works if you both really want it to. We lived 2 hours apart for 9 years as we both had children and weren't prepared to uproot them during their teenage years. 15 years on we are very happily married and our adult children are all great friends. Better the right person in the wrong place than the other way round.

thank you it is nice to hear this - i see pros and cons, but i am sure you can understand it is not always easy

I suppose you have to put romance to the side whilst the children are young. I agree with you that it’s not fair to be dragging them around on long car journeys to see your boyfriend, my father did this to me and it was miserable.
Shame to part ways if he is a good guy, is it not worth sticking with things as they are?

Why is all about you finding the time to go to him?

I mean he's either the man you love or he is interchangeable with someone who lives closer? My partner lives in Chicago and we make it work although it is difficult sometimes. No small children for us to worry about. I didn't date myself when my children were young and I certainly wouldn't have lived with anyone not their father. I say put them first for now and worry about living with him later. You both have your own space to take care of your kids. Or is it about sharing bills?

What do you want the relationship to look like? Would you like to spend more time together, is it workable? Are neither of you willing to move closer (a lot of upheaval for the kids) I wouldn't want a relationship that's so distance for the next decade - maybe a year or two is doable. It's something you really need to sit down and discuss with him.