My DH won’t have sex with me

[blippisglasses]

NC for this

DH and I have had dwindling sex life since our 5 year old DD was born. We have slept in seperate bedrooms since then as she has been a bad sleeper and as it turns out is autistic. We have no help with childcare , have never had a night away etc.

12 months ago DS was born, and since then we haven’t had sex at all.

He has a very intense job and works long hours. I’m 99% confident he’s not seeing anyone else as he is relaxed about me seeing his phone, I have access to his work rota , I phone him sporadically to ask where something is or to ask what time he might be home and I can HEAR he’s definitely at work from the distinct background noises. So he’s definitely AT work when he says he is.

He’s not out at the pub , not out playing golf/football etc. His job and childcare is all encompassing. In fact neither of us have any friends really (we moved for his job and having SEN child can be really isolating)

Anyway, (thanks if still reading), I playfully offered to give him a blowjob this week for the first time in a VERY long time. He said “that sounds nice”. Midweek I mentioned it again. He still hasn’t initiated anything. As I said, we sleep in different rooms each with one of the kids. But I guess I was thinking sneaking downstairs with him.

how depressing.

I understand your situation (many common factors!) and would take charge of the situation. How much do you touch, during the day? Do you ever cuddle or have intimate moments? Start at the bottom and slowly, over time, work your way up to full blown sex. Reduce pressure and date him. Kiss him. Bring some fun back into the relationship.

good luck!

Sounds like some couple time and gentle chats are sorely needed..

Is there ANY conceivable way you could organise a short break together without the kids - even if each child goes to different people?

Anyway, (thanks if still reading), I playfully offered to give him a blowjob this week for the first time in a VERY long time. He said “that sounds nice”. Midweek I mentioned it again. He still hasn’t initiated anything.

This jumped out at me more than anything else. If you're offering a blowjob, then you need to initiate it surely?

Have a conversation with him and be frank. Ask him how he feels and tell him you are not happy too.

I agree with a PP, is there anyway you can arrange someone to watch the kids even if it’s just for a few hours.
What time do the kids go to bed?
Do you kiss and cuddle?

@blippisglasses that comment “That sounds nice” 😂😂😂 if you’re that bothered about it, pick your time, unzip him and suck him off, see what happens next, he didn’t say no. Be brave and hopefully he’ll reciprocate 😁

Totally agree. Grab the bull by the horns !!!!!

It's a bit full on if you know it's a sensitive subject. Can't you just talk about how you are both feeling at the moment?

Why are you sleeping separately still?

Actions speak louder than words. Why offer without following through?

It’s for you to initiate if you have offered something. Actually follow through with it and see what happens. Your sleeping arrangements are obviously what has put a stop to the sex life. Is there no way you can work round this so you can both share a bed?

If you offered then you need to initiate I think?

But I also agree that going from zero sex to blow job without anything in between might be quite jarring.

I agree with pp - build touch and connection back into your relationship. Hopefully the rest will follow. Can you start the night together at least, before separating off to be with the DC?

Also, your offer - is it conditional on getting something back or is it going to leave you in the same position you are in now?

It all sounds a bit transactional and not really the intimacy that you are craving.

have you asked him if he needs any help with his work ?

Couples counselling, I would think.

I think he's waiting for you to initiate that one!

But other than that - your situation isn't unusual with small kids and exhausted parents - the only thing to do is find a time to raise it in a neutral way, and make it a joint problem to solve.

I'd jump into bed with him during the night and go for it . He's waiting for you to make the move .