Am I overreacting about my girlfriend messaging and meeting exes?

[LuLu345678]

I’ve been with my gf just over a year. I’m in my thirties but a late bloomer lesbian. This is my first relationship with a woman and my first time being in love.

A couple of months ago i found out she was texting an ex in secret as i saw the message over her shoulder. She panicked so i asked who it was. She was angry with herself saying she had fucked up and that I deserved better. she said the messages went on for a week but were about music and politics (innocent messages between friends). I accepted this at first but my gut was screaming and i couldn’t ley it go. She later admitted that it was 5 weeks of texting but that it ramped up for the final week and was more frequent. My gut was still screaming so after a couple more weeks I asked go see the messages. The messages were often late at night snd flirty with wink face emoji’s. They also reminisced about times they were in bed together and a funny thing happened. At the end of the messages my gf said i to her ex have to stop messaging you as my gf found out. The ex said oh no i hope i didn’t get you into trouble can we be friends? My gf said you know we can’t just be friends. The messages ended there.

I ended the relationship but she begged for me back promising it would never happen again. I took her back it’s been a month. She had plans on Friday snd i asked her what she was up to she said meeting a friend who i knew and another friend visiting from Amsterdam. She had perviously showed me she had messaged an ex hook up whilst we we together (before the break up) that lived in Amsterdam.
I explained to her that this upset me that she was not only messaging an ex hook up again but that she was meeting up with her. Especially when we had agreed she wouldn’t. I then said it seemed sneaky given that I had to ask her about it she didn’t volunteer what she was doing straight away. She told me it was to meet up as friends and that she had told this woman she has a gf. I said I was really upset as she had gone against what we agreed and that given the reasons for the break up I would have expected her to be more careful and considerate of me. She cancelled the meet up and
said she wouldn’t do anything like that again.

A few days later we were sat together and she went to google something on her phone. It came up with a list of her previous searches and it said how do you delete messages on instagram. She communicates with this Amsterdam woman via instagram. I’m so confused and don’t know what to think. I’m starting to feel so paranoid and insecure that I don’t know if I’m overreacting or not.

If someone is making your "gut scream' then you know what to do. Late bloomer or not.

She is also still a member of Kink WhatsApp groups on her phone and at least opens the messages.
just before the ex sexting came out she also planned to go to a club night with a friend which had a sex room . She has used these rooms in the past. So when we started our relationship we agreed we wouldn’t go without each other. She only told me about this occasion because I asked her specifically if there was a sex room there. She admitted it and then cancelled the night. This was another occasion I explained to her that the issue was more her going back on what we agreed without telling me, than her going to a place with a sex room itself. So she has had a few times now to know that honesty and openness is important to me.

I think your definitions of monogamy don’t match and you’ll never be able to trust her. It’s very disrespectful

Far too messy sounding. I am also a lesbian and SO many women cannot seem to ever untangle themselves from their exes.

There won't be a future for you in this relationship if that is what you want.

I would honestly let it go and focus on yourself. She doesn't have any respect for you. Take your time, there will be someone out there who respects and wants the best for you. She sounds childish and one for drama.

Always trust your gut. It’s your body’s way of letting you know danger ahead

It sounds like you are repeatedly having to police your partner's activities in order to feel secure. If she is messaging with exes in a flirty way, that's unlikely to change but she'll probably get better at hiding it. She sounds pretty flaky to be honest and not committed to a serious relationship. If I were you, I'd get out now before you get really hurt.

Trust your gut op. This woman does not sound trustworthy. I’m really sorry

That all seems like wack-a-mole. As soon as you discuss one thing that you don’t want happening in your relationship and she agrees, she does a variation on the same thing. I find it hard to believe she doesn’t get the general idea of what you want from a monogamous relationship. It’s going to get exhausting and very stressful.

You sound extremely incompatible.

Thanks for your responses.

I think I’m going to break up with her for good.

I am concerned about her friends and their views of me. We are lesbians and the queer community is quite small here so I am bound to run into these women. This is why I am particularly concerned about their opinions.

The day after the second lot of texting came out I went to a party with her and her friends. Most of the friends who were there had previously found out about the break up and getting back tighter. Apparently they said to her that they were happy we were back together. The one who didn’t know the reasons was particularly nice to me. The ones who did know were noticeably colder to me. None of them know about the second ex (that I know of).

Her friends have previously been very welcoming and very complimentary about me. I thought one even harboured a crush.

My gf told me that she told them that I broke up with her because of the texting and they were angry with her. They took my side essentially with the break up. They have drifted from my gf. She mentioned to them that we were having problems before the texting. My gf had been being rude in front of these friends to me and they had stuck up for me/supported me. I complained to my gf and she wasn’t understanding and getting defensive so we kept arguing about it. It never got resolved. I believe she told the friends about that. Those were the friends that actually supported me those times and stuck up for me. My gf asked them if they remembered the incidents that I couldn’t let go and they said they didn’t. My gf used that to say to me that those instances didn’t happen. Gaslighting I know.

I’m worried about the friends being colder with me. What do you think they are thinking? And is this going to be a problem for me when I have broken up with my gf and see them out and about in the community?

Dump her and move on.