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Relationships

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Emotional Affair or more?

41 replies

FutureWife369 · 12/07/2026 13:16

I've been with my partner for 26 years. We have 4 children together. And I've come to learn that he isn't the man I thought he was. The woman involved in this I knew he occasionally spoke to, didn't like it, but never thought anything of it. He then started talking down to me while constantly talking about her and how amazing she is. I got suspicious and went through his old phone, and what I found was at least 5 years of messages between them. I was physically sick and shaken as I read through them. They constantly said I love you to each other daily. She called him her husband, her forever husband, he would reply calling her mrs. A lot of sexual content shared, sharing about his day, asking to see her nude. Writing poems asking to taste what's between her legs. It got so intense that she ended her 10 year relationship and wanted him to leave me. He says it was nothing, no emotional affair or anything of the kind happened. It was all just words on a screen between 2 friends (she was his friends ex and known him for 30 years) this is apparently why it means nothing because they've been friends that long. He tells me i'm overreacting, which I know I'm not. I will add that we've been engaged for 14 years and now learned he's cheated for at least 5 of those. He gave the husband title away to another woman and thinks its nothing. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
TFImBackIn · 12/07/2026 13:28

My only advice would be to get the hell away from him. He's a liar, a cheat and he's definitely not your friend.

ZanyPoet · 12/07/2026 13:28

Kindly, at that level of intimacy, I would expect their relationship to be more than "emotional" or "online".

I would find it really hard to believe they haven't been intimate and had a proper affair. It's past the emotional element, it's sexual, why wouldn't they see each other, unless they live on different continents and they physically cannot meet, but that sounds unlikely.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstated · 12/07/2026 13:36

Leave him. This is not just an emotional affair, this is full-on. Asking to taste her? Absolutely no going back from this. I'm sorry.

FutureWife369 · 12/07/2026 13:37

ZanyPoet · 12/07/2026 13:28

Kindly, at that level of intimacy, I would expect their relationship to be more than "emotional" or "online".

I would find it really hard to believe they haven't been intimate and had a proper affair. It's past the emotional element, it's sexual, why wouldn't they see each other, unless they live on different continents and they physically cannot meet, but that sounds unlikely.

This is what I said to him. It was clearly more than he says it was because if it wasn't then why would she have left her partner of 10 years for it. He won't admit that he had feelings for her, even when told to go be with her if that's what he wants.

OP posts:
ikeepforgetting · 12/07/2026 13:43

He likely will never tell you the truth, so don't look for it from him. Think about what you want now. He has lied and cheated for a very long time, I know how destabilising and scary it is to think that such a big chunk of your life was not what you thought it was. But find your anger and use that to power through what you need to do next. I was out of my marriage immediately after finding out my ex of 29 years was a serial cheater. Nothing would make me want to be with someone like that. You WILL be ok, I can promise you that

FutureWife369 · 12/07/2026 13:47

ikeepforgetting · 12/07/2026 13:43

He likely will never tell you the truth, so don't look for it from him. Think about what you want now. He has lied and cheated for a very long time, I know how destabilising and scary it is to think that such a big chunk of your life was not what you thought it was. But find your anger and use that to power through what you need to do next. I was out of my marriage immediately after finding out my ex of 29 years was a serial cheater. Nothing would make me want to be with someone like that. You WILL be ok, I can promise you that

Thank you lovely. Anger is my driving force right now, and i'm already half out the door.

OP posts:
Naurrr · 12/07/2026 13:48

Start planning your life rid of him. Don't indulge him in long chats or arguments, give him as much regard as he's given you.

Do you own your own property?

Harrietsaunt · 12/07/2026 13:51

He will never tell you the truth. Just get legal advice on any shared property or savings and LTB. 💐

Pickledonions12 · 12/07/2026 13:54

Leave him. ❤️ For your own sanity

OldrNWisr · 12/07/2026 13:56

There’s absolutely no coming back from that, what an utter bastard. He’s been lying to you for years and he still is. He won’t change.

FutureWife369 · 12/07/2026 13:59

Naurrr · 12/07/2026 13:48

Start planning your life rid of him. Don't indulge him in long chats or arguments, give him as much regard as he's given you.

Do you own your own property?

We're renting. Told him he can live in his car for all I care. Ended the engagement and told him he can't expect me to stay after what he did. Which apparently is nothing.

OP posts:
Naurrr · 12/07/2026 14:00

Will you be able to keep the tenancy by yourself? Your housing and financial security is the priority, the shitty bloke can be forgotten except using a parenting app to communicate if your kids are young enough to need to co parent with him.

CheezyBeans · 12/07/2026 14:02

FutureWife369 · 12/07/2026 13:37

This is what I said to him. It was clearly more than he says it was because if it wasn't then why would she have left her partner of 10 years for it. He won't admit that he had feelings for her, even when told to go be with her if that's what he wants.

He was telling her that he loved her. How is that just words on a screen? Is he an even bigger shit and stringing her along as well? Not that it matters to you of course.

He sounds like a complete shit tbh.

FutureWife369 · 12/07/2026 14:04

Naurrr · 12/07/2026 14:00

Will you be able to keep the tenancy by yourself? Your housing and financial security is the priority, the shitty bloke can be forgotten except using a parenting app to communicate if your kids are young enough to need to co parent with him.

I'm hoping I can. My sister has offered to move in for support if I want her to. My kids are autistic (19, 16, 11, 7) so everything is challenging and is currently the only reason he is still in the house.

OP posts:
Balloonhearts · 12/07/2026 14:04

Imo there is no such thing as an emotional affair. What people say is an emotional affair is usually just a close friendship and a jealous partner. If it goes past that, it's just a bloody affair.

This was an affair. Doesn't matter that it wasn't physical. They referred to each other as partners would, there was sexual involvement. He had an affair. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking this was ok.

ZanyPoet · 12/07/2026 14:04

Balloonhearts · 12/07/2026 14:04

Imo there is no such thing as an emotional affair. What people say is an emotional affair is usually just a close friendship and a jealous partner. If it goes past that, it's just a bloody affair.

This was an affair. Doesn't matter that it wasn't physical. They referred to each other as partners would, there was sexual involvement. He had an affair. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking this was ok.

You do have a very good point!

Dery · 12/07/2026 14:05

Sorry you’re in this position, OP. It actually doesn’t matter whether or not he thinks this is okay though FWIW, i think what you describe was an emotional and sexual affair, though perhaps not physically consumated. I’ve got some close male friends whom i’ve known for 30+ years and the kind of talk you describe would horrify both them and me. This is an affair and you get to decide how you feel about it and whether or not this matters. I would be horrified if my DH was talking like this to anyone and horrified with myself if i were doing it.

GingerPubes · 12/07/2026 14:07

If you stay, he will gaslight you into thinking you're the problem. When my ex starting sexting other men, I was called 'controlling' because I wanted her to stop. I evenrually got out to preserve my sanity.

FutureWife369 · 12/07/2026 14:07

Balloonhearts · 12/07/2026 14:04

Imo there is no such thing as an emotional affair. What people say is an emotional affair is usually just a close friendship and a jealous partner. If it goes past that, it's just a bloody affair.

This was an affair. Doesn't matter that it wasn't physical. They referred to each other as partners would, there was sexual involvement. He had an affair. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking this was ok.

He'll never convince me this was ok. He already knows he's on a exit timer.

OP posts:
FutureWife369 · 12/07/2026 14:13

Dery · 12/07/2026 14:05

Sorry you’re in this position, OP. It actually doesn’t matter whether or not he thinks this is okay though FWIW, i think what you describe was an emotional and sexual affair, though perhaps not physically consumated. I’ve got some close male friends whom i’ve known for 30+ years and the kind of talk you describe would horrify both them and me. This is an affair and you get to decide how you feel about it and whether or not this matters. I would be horrified if my DH was talking like this to anyone and horrified with myself if i were doing it.

He told me to ask anyone who has been friends for that amount of time and they'll confirm what he's saying. 😂 How stupid does he think I am 🙄 He asked why I removed my ring, and didn't like the answer well I wasn't the one calling you husband so the wrong woman has the ring.

OP posts:
FutureWife369 · 12/07/2026 14:15

GingerPubes · 12/07/2026 14:07

If you stay, he will gaslight you into thinking you're the problem. When my ex starting sexting other men, I was called 'controlling' because I wanted her to stop. I evenrually got out to preserve my sanity.

I'm not perfect, but I know I'm definitely not the problem when it comes to this. He won't convince me otherwise.

OP posts:
malloryknox123 · 12/07/2026 14:17

That’s way more than an emotional affair.

aren’t you completely disgusted by those seedy words?

FutureWife369 · 12/07/2026 14:17

CheezyBeans · 12/07/2026 14:02

He was telling her that he loved her. How is that just words on a screen? Is he an even bigger shit and stringing her along as well? Not that it matters to you of course.

He sounds like a complete shit tbh.

His comeback when questioned was it was 2 friends saying they love each other like friends do. Really? I've never had a male friend tell me he loves me, and I would feel uncomfortable if it had happened.

OP posts:
FutureWife369 · 12/07/2026 14:18

malloryknox123 · 12/07/2026 14:17

That’s way more than an emotional affair.

aren’t you completely disgusted by those seedy words?

I was physically sick reading them. Had to put the phone down to run to the bathroom.

OP posts:
fireandlightening · 12/07/2026 14:22

I'm assuming he is the father of your children. Figure out what kind of support you need from him, what your rights are, and leave. Not half out of the door, all of it, all of you! More than the cheating itself (which is a betrayal) it is the gaslighting and attempt at normalizing this behaviour. It will only lead to more such. Get out while you still have your sanity intact.

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