A broken wife and mammy

[SMC93]

Girls please help 🙏🏻 any advice at all this is a long read.
I’m finding this very difficult to write as I am very upset.
yesterday morning I have found out that my husband has been Gambling. in the last 19 months. He has gambled away £34,000. When I questioned him yesterday about these transactions on our joint account he firstly denied and then lied and said it was about bills but I pay the bills so I found this suspicious, he eventually admitted to me that he’s been Gambling using crypto.
years ago roughly about six years ago this was an issue before where he had gambled possibly 2 to 3000, I addressed it at the time and blocked the account and he seemed to be getting on fine after that.
after the birth of our daughter 19 months ago is when he began Gambling again I had savings that he has taken from also wages. He has done it in a way that it would be quite difficult to tell where it’s odd looking transactions of £33.95 or 99.00. These transactions were removed from our joint account to another bank account that he has that I have just found out today. He then moves this to crypto from his own bank account.
We’ve had quite a difficult year where we moved from England back home to Ireland and a lot of stress was involved - two weeks ago, He returned to Scotland to work and I’ve remained at home. I’ve never really noticed the bank account before because it was the UK bank and also my phone at the time was broke so I was unable to access this bank.
I am completely broken. We’ve been together for 10 years. I’ve told him that I can’t trust him. I feel like my marriage is over, but I’m so unsure of what I’m supposed to do. He has told me that he’s going for help in the UK but again after all the lies and deception I don’t know if that’s true. I have no idea why I am rambling on this email, but I’m absolutely devastated. I love my husband but I don’t know if our life can work if I can’t trust him, this is the second time and I don’t want there to be a third. I need to protect my daughter but what I’m really trying to say is do you have any advice on what I should do?

His gambling addiction has ended the marriage. Not you. I’m sorry OP but if it were me, even if I loved him dearly, there is absolutely no going back from this. He’s an addict and he will pull you and your daughter down with him. You have to disentangle all your finances, divorce and then heal from this.

He has and will continue to drag you down with him
and this is now the second time. It was bad enough the first time. If there is no trust there is no relationship.

I would seek legal advice re divorcing him as soon as possible before he pulls you people as his family unit into further financial troubles and bankruptcy.

iim sorry to read your post. I hate gambling and think the only winners are the betting shops. It won’t ever go away. I grew up watching my aunt constantly trying to deal with her husband’s gambling. Always worrying, always having to be vigilante. They moved from Ireland to live with us in England to get a fresh start and leave his gambling debts behind. They never had much money and I remember my cousin crying as a young boy as my aunt was always out working to try to keep their heads above water. My uncle did stop eventually but took up an other obsession he became very strictly religious. My aunt was destroyed by the life she had and she threatened to leave many times.

He’s an addict. Addicts lie and lie and lie.

Cut him off now before he completely destroys your life. 💐

There’s no reason for you to be completely broken by HIS addiction. This one can be practically solved if you both want to save the marriage:

1. Is there a gambling rehab and gamblers anonymous like there is for alcoholics?
   Get him on that, then

2. cut off all access to banking apps and credit cards. You run all finances in future. His money goes in the joint account but you run the app. (Kind of like traditional marriages were, my dad earned the money but only ever got cash that my mum gave him!)

Unless he agrees to this obviously you risk financial ruin by staying with him.

When you think about this situation, please remember you have already given him a 2nd chance. This insidious addiction can take down the strongest of marriages. I’m so sorry.

My opinion is that he should either admit all responsibility, check himself into a rehab programme and hand over ALL financial control to you.

or

That you should leave him and build a secure, stable future for your daughter. Were the £34k savings and cash only, or has he gone into debt too? What will be consequences of him gambling all that money for you? Any secret cards or accounts in your name that you’re not aware of?

This

Thank you everyone for your advice, comments and general thoughts of my well being. I will address you all on this post. I am a broken woman! I feel I already had the answers but getting other people to see what I’m going through just makes it more clear. My first thing I am acting on is the safety of my daughter! I have asked for all statements, bank accounts, gambling accounts etc but am yet to receive anything. I do believe my marriage is over - and I am yet to find out the full extent of the damage at this stage. I won’t be surprised if there is extra debt or even debt in my name at this point. Thank you all ladies you have no idea how much I appreciate every one of you taking time to give your advice and opinions. X

You poor love, this is absolutely LTB territory. Can you do credit checks in both Ireland and the UK to see if he has taken out any other loans, credit cards?