Forever picking the wrong person…

[Sunshineismyhappy]

I recently started speaking to somebody, he seemed really lovely chatty, text a lot.. phone calls… lives an hour and 40 minutes away from me though.

He came down to see me twice….

The second time I thought there was a little bit of a shift and he was very sexual with his comments. I kind of hounded little bit. Then I was straight to the point and said I’m not interested in a quick hook up… but my question is how do you know if people are genuine or not? I seem to be going for really shit people all the time. Men lie a lot !!! Maybe I’m looking for the wrong type of man !

Look up Burned Haystack dating method. Sometimes there are signs in their profile, sometimes in the behavior. Not always of course, but this helps weeds them out quicker.

Honestly, it is tough out there.

I think a lot depends on what he said, how he said it and what had been said before.

Having twice driven a long way, and presumably having had as nice a time as you had had previously, I don't think he was automatically unreasonable to try his luck!

Obviously there is and was no pressure on you to respond and it sounds as though he respected that.

I am not sure though why you are suggesting that he wasn't genuine? Without being indelicate at what stage in a relationship would you consider getting intimate? Sex is a part of most relationships. Perhaps if you had told him that he might have accepted it?

This sounds like mis communication rather than anything else based on what you have said.

@KateSixer

yeah I get that…. And now I’m second questioning myself… the 2 times we met were lovely but he was making sexual comments both times. I laughed it off, but the second time of meeting he words were…. “ I have never gone on a second date without sleeping with them” and “ I miss you, and I’m horny as fuck was another comment”

nearly 2 hrs is a long way for sure ! But I’m not overly convinced he was genuinely wanting a relationship to be fair.

What sort of relationship are you looking for and what's your current situation?
Are you looking for the love of your life and you are single with no kids and no family ties? (E.g. in the future if all goes well you would have no issue moving miles to be with this man)
Or. Do you want a companion to fit into your life that you can go to dinner with, watcha movie with sometimes, make time for between family - parents and kids, hobbies and work.

If the latter - he lives too far away for this to happen. So bin him and don't worry about it any further.

If the former I would say based on his actions he wants sex first relationship second. Throw him back and start again.

Look up the shark cage theory, it's eye opening.

Perhaps try doing the Freedom Programme. Although it was designed for abused women it helps with spotting the red flags and how you can strengthen your boundaries regarding men.

With that additional information I can agree that he does sound crude. The comment about sex and second dates does seem designed to pressure you which is not good at all.

I think if I'd liked him and was willing to oveook that comment I'd have responded by saying to him that I was serious about wanting a relationship not just a hook up and that I'd sleep with him when and if i believed he felt the same. That might have flushed him out.

Perhaps that's what you have, in effect, done!

Yeah he sounds grim with the second update, you sound switched on and able to get rid when they show themselves so don’t doubt yourself.

Overwhelmingly most men are indeed looking for regular sex as a key component of a successful relationship. Surely that shouldnt be a surprise. If you are looking for something different you should be honest about that up front. As demonstrated on MN countless times, sex compatibility is a massive part of a successful relationship and and also the main remain they fail.

@professionalcommentreader

I think I’m right, this has happened to me a few times before !

they say all the nice stuff, with the future plans ect…. When in reality it’s just for 1 thing. The 2 hr drive made me think he might be intentional but with the sex talk after 2 meet ups, and comments… I’m not overly convinced it’s for good reasons.

the last comment before we left was “ Next time I’m gonna stay with you” and I’m not paying for a hotel when you have a bed !!

thanks for inflation on who to look up 🙂

His last comment is entitled, presumptuous and just bloody gross. Don’t see him again.

I don't like the sound of him at all. Sack him off immediately.

OP, what did you say when he said he was going to stay in your bed next time you met up? I would have struggled to be polite.

I don't feel you should shoulder any of the blame here. You might both want different things and I suppose it would be good to distinguish between men who want a relationship that will evolve into sex rather than those who just want that.

I don't think you have got anything to lose by politely stating this very early on. Could you say that you are looking for a relationship and if that's not what he is looking for you wouldn't want to prevent him from finding what he wants?

Are there an unending supply of women who want to have sex with this man on the second date? I find that hard to believe. Lots of women do want relationships rather than just sex and I think it would be absolutely okay to be clear that you are one of them. Anyone who doesn't want that can exit stage right without any hard feelings.

You deserve exactly what you want. No harm being very clear and confident about that. Lots of men will find that attractive and those who feel they have wasted petrol can mutter about it on their own time on the way home.

I mean someone that far away can only ever be an occasional hook up surely. You won’t have enough time spent together for it to develop to more.

Try find men within a 30 minute radius.

The truth is, there’s just a lot of chaff out there. It’s difficult to separate the wheat.

Blimey what an arse he sounds, at least you binned him off quick. the future talk so early is a big red flag.

Reading this, he was absolutely not wanting a relationship!

It sounds like you need to be more ruthless in weeding them out. If someone made sexual comments to me on a first date, that’d be it. They’d be done there and then. He showed you who he is: a sleazy jerk. You don’t want a partner who’s a sleazy jerk. Chuck that one in the bin. They better be on their absolute best behaviour the first time you meet. If that’s the best he’s got? 🙄 You need to be more ruthless in getting rid of the losers.