Love & attraction

[Lovernotafighter83]

My DH and I have been together for 25 years. We have three children, a nice home and both have good jobs.

having got together when I was just 18, we did what a lot of people do and partied together a lot before settling down.

Over time, naturally we both changed. DH continued to drink, smoke, and lead a relatively unhealthy lifestyle, which has had a few effects including weight. I went the other way and also changed in a more spiritually awake kind of way including becoming a vegan, drinking very little and generally taking a keen interest in looking after myself and my own mortality for myself and the sake of our children.

DH has been relatively supportive of how I have changed. I’ve had the odd ‘you’re boring for not drinking’ over the years but broadly, he’s been supportive.

Now I’ve found it hard at times to reciprocate that and I feel very conflicted about that. On one hand, I find it difficult watching him eat crisps for breakfast, be drunk several times a week, watching his destructive behaviours have an impact on things like his blood pressure, weight and I suspect diabetes might come knocking. I don’t find it attractive.

However, I love my DH, on the odd occasion we get to go out, he’s always the most handsome fella in the room to me (and of course, I tell him). But, day to day it’s manifested into me being distant at times and not forthcoming I guess at times I’m a bit turned off.

I hate myself for this because he’s told me how I make him feel; unloved and unwanted and he has repeatedly asked me why I can’t love him the way he is. I feel upset with myself, I never want to make my DH feel bad about himself.

of course I’ve talked to him at other times about lifestyle, role modelling for our children, looking after himself and after three years, I finally plucked up the courage to have a very gentle and diplomatic conversation about weight. That’s a shitty thing to approach and I have no idea if it’s fair or not. everyone puts on weight as they get older, this is not that, this is beer belly with very little inclination to address. I’m guessing around 10 extra stone in the last ten years.

I love my DH and I’m scared of being widowed (we’ve spoken about this) but I feel like a bitch that I don’t find this attractive and it Feels like we’re so stuck.

Has anyone else found themselves on this tricky situation?

OP, you are not bring unreasonable at all. 10 stone !!!! That is a huge amount of weight to put on especially through something avoidable like booze and poor diet.
I don't blame you for not finding him attractive.

I'm not sure how you can address his poor choices without sounding critical and getting his back up. How about focusing on the health/longevity aspect ? How does he justify his lifestyle/obesity?

He can't possibly feel healthy or good about himself at 10 stone over weight, especially as it sounds like you've taken care of yourself.

Similar story with me. Husband has put 6 stone on since we met and is now 19/20 stone. I love him and always will but I don’t have a physical attraction to him anymore and seeing him do this to himself is heartbreaking. He is a heart attack waiting to happen.

It's very difficult when you're in a long marriage. How did he respond in the conversation?

Many times it comes down to denial of health implications until something happens sadly, 10 stone is alot to gain

It’s completely natural to change and grow differently to your spouse, it happens a lot and that’s one of the reasons there are so many divorces.

You’ve changed in ways that have resulted in a much healthier life. Unfortunately your DS has horribly let himself go. It’s no wonder you are at odds with him. He definitely needs to change, for you, his DC and himself. The time has comes to be blunt with him, either he sorts himself out or you’ll divorce him.

Talking to him hasn't helped. You've stayed, so in his eyes, he likely doesn't suffer any major consequences for his behavior.

I'd take the next step of going to an Al-Anon group meeting (groups for loved ones of alcoholics) and tell him you're going. This might help in two ways: One that you get pointers from the people who run the meetings, plus support from other attendees dealing with the same problem. And secondly, that he should be alarmed that this step you're taking could lead to negative consequences for him if he doesn't seek help.

You have evolved to a more mature adult whereas he's stayed stagnant and now that he's aging, the destruction of his body is showing. No wonder you're cringing, witnessing this, even if you love him. If he doesn't improve, don't feel obligated to end things when he's choosing self-destruction.

I hope that you doing something different and important, attending those meetings, will be his wake up call, It's worth a try.

Ten stone!? That must be impacting his overall health. Would he get a check up at GP?

WLI?

DH, not DS.

His path is different to yours OP. Your journey together is coming to an end. The lessons you are learning from this relationship are now showing you a different way. It will soon be time to move on.

we have been together for 25 years and I’m very conscious that in my limited experience, there is a throw away ‘Divorce him’ underbelly to Mumsnet (which of course, is very appropriate at times).

Divorcing my DH because I’m not attracted to his lifestyle and weight feels not right. I love him, I see us together in retirement, looking after our grandchildren (if we have some) etc; that’s an awful lot to throw away and tear up five lives. And for that reason I’ve continued.

I’ve tried many things, cooking the right food, I started going to the gym and so did he, talking and educating about food and health etc, he’s just a person that does his own thing in his own terms. Oddly his lifestyle has pushed me to become even more interested in my own health. I’m not sure if it’s a control thing, where I feel I have no control/say in his lifestyle so I’m going to town on my own? Who knows.

When I initially spoke to him around a year ago, his reaction wasn’t good. This was a delicately planned, gentle, diplomatic and tactful conversation; his initial reaction was to tell me I was fat shaming - which I would never ever do, but I guess that’s hurt coming out.

since then, he did join the gym and he is trying to give up smoking (but in order to do that he’s reverted back to cigarettes and instead of vaping which is making me want to vomit - I don’t get the logic) but nothing has materially changed.

There have been times in the past when I’ve wondered if he’s a functioning alcoholic and when his drinking escalates, I’ve spoken to him and he’s curbed it to his own acceptable level (his acceptable level is roughly getting drunk in the pub on a Friday night and having a few drinks twice more per week at home, which is typically anywhere from 3-6 cans). It’s when bottles of gin and rum start disappearing that I usually stick my ore in and thankfully, that only happens a few times a year at the moment.

I want to focus on him and his feelings for a moment because I’m clearly not doing a very good job. He feels unloved and like I’m not interested and I can understand that and I hate myself for ever making someone that I love feel this way. I don’t seem to be able to balance the fact I find his lifestyle a turn off with still being loving.

although historically we’ve had a good sex life, naturally that has taken a beating. I have tried to talk to him about it even to the point that certain positions are just not an achievable any more but it just falls on deaf ears. We still have sex but it’s much less frequent and not enough for him, or me to be honest. He’s very good at telling me he finds me attractive, initiating sex and generally being affectionate. I just wonder if there’s something wrong with me? We have cuddles in the kitchen and hold hands when we’re out etc, but I don’t seem to be able to forthcoming with sex or more affection and that’s not how I want to be.

of course I’d prefer it if he made lifestyle changes for his own health as a number one, and if he can’t, I’d like him to do it for his family but he just doesn’t think that way and then I dreadful that I even feel this way.

I’m very clear about what I’d like my future to look like - camper van, travelling, adventure, wholesome stuff - I absolutely will not be sitting down the local crappy pub on a Friday night once our children are independent.

I’m interested in particular to hear from anyone in this situation, especially if you’ve managed to successfully get through it.

sorry about the long post 🌿

Also I should say, 10 stone in 10 years is perhaps not accurate. I don’t know his weight, I haven’t asked, nor would I be so insensitive.

He was a wee lad when we met at 13 stone and if hazard a guess that he’s around 19 stone now, so I need to correct myself there

Don’t beat yourself up about the fact that you’ve grown apart because you’ve grown up and he hasn’t.

You didn’t sign up to become the carer of a man-child who refuses to care for himself.

Read up about co-dependency and make a plan to stop enabling his unhealthy behaviours.

It’s not fair, but you’re going to have to be the grown-up in the room.