Pregnant and exhausted, is my husband being unsupportive or am I expecting too much?

[BeLuckyTraybake]

I’m currently pregnant with my third, and struggling. I’m still in the first trimester and it’s been the hardest yet. I’m nauseous all day and also caught tonsillitis off my child which dragged on for 3 weeks. I’m struggling to do basic things without feeling dizzy and I co sleep with my toddler who is quite restless at night. I work 3 days a week and have the 2 children the other 2 days.

Basically my husband and I are in a cycle of arguing and it’s really draining me further.

It started the moment my pregnancy symptoms started and I was no longer able to carry the same load in parenting and housework.

The rough nights I have with my toddler impact my nausea the next day. I got breaking point where I almost passed out while looking after the kids on my own.

so in a nutshell, my husband is doing all the washing and clear up at the end of the day. He helps with bathtime and our older toddler if he wakes in the night (but it’s not very often). Every morning (he sleeps in a spare room) he will say he is so exhausted and needs more sleep. We argue if I say I’m pregnant and need to a bit longer in bed. If he does eventually get up and take the kids for breakfast, he sends them up to me at the first sign of difficulty so I don’t actually get the rest.

we also agreed he would start helping with the toddler at night. It lasted until 1am when he woke me up to switch.

He says I should go to bed, he doesn’t want me around if I’m just lying on the sofa, but when I actually go to bed I hear him talking about me resentfully to the kids.

One evening I couldn’t stand without feeling dizzy so when he got home, I just went to bed and left him. He was annoyed that there was no dinner cooked, no food in the house (because I work too and he’s stopped letting me do online food shops), and that I hadn’t taken the kids outside during the day.

To be honest, I’m not sure what I’m asking here. I just feel like I want to leave but don’t think I could do it all alone. Before kids he was a more lighthearted person and could make jokes during “hard” times. I liked that. Now I see that any moment of stress or discomfort and he’s just not great to be around. He doesn’t ever use a caring tone or come and cuddle me during the day. In the evenings he will mostly go to the gym because sport has always been his main fixation in life. He talks a lot about when the kids are older and he can do more sport even although he does exercise 5 days a week.

what can I do to resolve this? We had a breakthrough conversation 2 nights ago but one night of poor sleep and he’s back to huffing about me and asking me to stop the kids from following him around the house when he’s trying to do housework.

Your should get your blood pressure checked. It sounds like you may be suffering from low blood pressure which can make you feel really sick and depressed.
You husband is behaving like a petulant teenager. Are you older children boys? The talking about you like he does is terrible but really bad if he is teaching sons that this is the way you treat women.

The message I get from this is that he doesn't carry any tenderness or concern for you. He's a selfish prat. Personally, I'd re-think both pregnancy and marriage, assessing whether I'm now with him out of habit and whether there's anything left of the man I fell in love with.
Trying to look at it from the prat's point fo view:
What I don't understand is why you're co-sleeping with a toddler - I'm of a previous generation and I taught my kid to sleep with womb music from the get-go but whenever I suggest this to relatives/younger friends they all listen politely and ignore, so I assume it's a current bete-noire. Still, my daughter slept through from six weeks onwards which made working motherhood so much easier. But the prat should be part of those decisions and part of the process of soothing the kid.
I don't understand why you thought a third kid was a good idea. Was he in favour of it? If not, he may be acting out, like a toddler.
Final thought - do you think he may not be going to the gym five days a week?

I think if this is new behaviours from him maybe you both are exhausted and making poor decisions. Though then I read you aren’t allowed to have grocery deliveries and get quite worried. Why on earth not? They’re the best thing ever.

Kindly OP - did you both want another baby? Would you consider another choice if you’re still this early along? Appreciate it’s not an option for everyone but this situation isn’t great.

I think for your own well being you need to sort out the sleeping situations. Too many people awake too much of the time which isn’t helping anyone. If your toddler is restless and waking while co sleeping it’s not in their best interests either. Maybe with more sleep for everyone you can all figure things out more constructively.

I was knocked out when I was pregnant with my son. My husband did almost everything for my daughter and me and I just went back and forth to the hospital with dehydration. It was a nightmarish time. Please make sure to get checked out to make sure there’s nothing serious going on.

You absolutely have to sleep train the toddler, in their own bed and room BEFORE the baby arrives. This needs to be a priority as otherwise the tiredness and arguments will escalate when the baby arrives.
Second, either order the shopping online (we do) or tell him that if he is really really oposed to it, he is now in charge of the food shop.
So the gym 5 nights a week is too much for you at the moment. However be warned, my husband cut his exercise right back after I had my second, although this helped it really affected his mental health. Now she’s a bit older I am mostly glad he is back in a normal routine! Having said that he works around us. We are out at activities on a Monday, he wouldn’t be home in time to help anyways, so he will go for a run before we get home. He goes to an activity on a Wednesday but takes our 6 year old too, another on a Thursday but after he has taken the 6 year old to swimming lessons. On nights he can’t get out he will wait until the kids are in bed to run, or ring fit or do something.
To be fair to him it does sound like he is helping but you guys are playing the competitive tiredness game, no one ever wins!
I think you all need a better routine with the toddler, distribution of jobs etc. Like on the weekend if you have a lie in one day he can the next? Discuss not disturbing each other until say 9am.

Do you honestly think if op’s husband was this unwell she would be seeking exercise days and lye ins at the weekend? Honestly it amazes me that people accept men not stepping up and putting their family first at such an important vulnerable time

Sorry but all of this is so wrong. Your husband is out of order, but TBH you both sound too quite overwhelmed - is a third child really the right decision for you both?

I’m currently third trimester with second child & I get very sick in my pregnancies. I have been taking medication this time around & it has helped soooo much, however even at peak first trimester whilst taking 2 types of anti-sickness, the nausea & vomiting was still quite strong & I was pretty useless. The drugs also make me very drowsy, so combined with pregnancy tiredness I needed naps during the day & also so much sleep at night.

My husband works quite long hours but has taken on the bulk of childcare for our child during these periods & has also been cosleeping with our child when they wake up, so that I can have uninterrupted sleep throughout this time because tiredness most definitely makes the nausea worse.

in addition, you’ve just got to do things that make you life easier during this period - supermarket deliveries are essential in our house even before getting pregnant & also a cleaner.

I have not cooked a single meal for my husband this whole pregnancy because cooked food smell will trigger my nausea & vomiting (I will only cook for child, which is only at the weekend since they are at nursery during week & even then that has been a massive struggle & I had to do it with a peg on my nose), so he has literally been left to fend for himself including sorting his own supermarket shop on top of his long hours at work & doing all bedtimes with child.

your husband should be much more supportive than he is being right now, however I would also be questioning if a third child is the right choice given it seems you are struggling with current situation, so how will you split your time between all 3 children between the 2 of you & whilst you are healing from birth & beyond? Have you guys discussed a rough plan on how to approach & who does what in pp period?

Seriously, that's what you think is the main problem here? The toddlers sleep?

So you think he should go to work and do absolutely everything?
If having a third child surely people know that the work load is going to step up for everyone.
we are only hearing OPs side of the story and even she says he is doing all the washing, cleaning up, bathtime, mornings (admittedly not well, but she is still in bed). She is lying around on the sofa so he tells her to just go to bed, which I would say to my husband if he were just lying around and he would say the same to me, you end up in the way.
I would understand if OP was saying he was doing absolutely nothing, or not even his share. I just think they need to stop sniping at each other. Yes she is pregnant and there will be times he needs to take over, but she will also have to work through bits too.
My husband cooks, takes children to childcare, does the shopping bedtimes etc. I do washing, also cleaning, will take a turn in bedtimes, general life admin. We both clean.
I sometimes feel mums net thinks we have only reached equality if the man is willing to run the household single handed. Yet when a woman has to do the same, it is not fair.

Yes, probably. She states that makes her sickness and tiredness worse. If that was solved she would start to feel better

Remarkable

There are other issues, obviously. He needs to go to the gym less, or once the kids are in bed.
But tiredness makes everyone cranky and will be making this whole situation feel 10 times worse. Every time my toddler sleeps in my bed I wake feeling like a complete zombie. If this was every night I would be at breaking point without the pregnancy.

Yes at this point I do, the same as a lot of mums and single mums do. My partner had to do everything when I was pregnant as I felt so unwell, the same way I had to when he was unwell

Why on earth has he “stopped” you from doing online shops?

Are you still working?

You need to take time off asap, even just a few days.

Why on earth are you having another baby with this man?! Talk about effing things up for your kids before they're even born. What an environment for your child to start life in.

Won't let you do food shop online? Just order it balls to what he says. What's he going to do send it all back? The freak. Find your voice. What you allow will continue.

What do you mean he won’t let you do an online food shop? How is he stopping you?

I have friend who's husband "banned" her from online food shopping. She has literally ZERO skills at meal planing. She would spend £250/week only for food and they had to do few tops ups +nappies,formula, water separately. He buys everything now and cooks almost everything.

Oh I see - I was viewing it more nefariously than that!

Can’t you read? He talks resentfully about OP to their children. What an absolute arsehole.

Was a third really a wise idea? It really doesn’t sound like this is going to be a winner going forward. If you are committed to going ahead, he needs to shape up. Was he a dick before? The gym is an excuse to opt out of the hard parenting. You need to be a team, and he sounds fkn useless.

No real advice OP - but I’m also in the first trimester with my third and it is ROUGH, so I completely feel for you especially with a partner who isn’t being supportive (I got the occasional eye roll and comment about “milking it” but by and large he’s been supportive, so I can’t imagine how much more difficult it would be without that).

I hope you start to feel better soon and can have a constructive conversation with him about pulling his weight!!