How do you trust your partner?

[Confused506]

I am really struggling to trust in relationships. Friends, family but mostly partners.
I am suspicious by nature and have been in therapy on and off for years but nothing seems to help.

I don’t understand how people can go about their lives not worried that their partner will cheat.

I have had friends and family members who have been very trusting of their partners and been cheated on and it’s always things like, I didn’t think they could do this to me, I thought we were happy etc etc.
I see it on here too people completely blind sighted by their partners affairs that they can’t believe their partner was capable of it.

People that can trust, please share with me how you manage this?

Thanks

I trust someone untill they give me a reason not to.
That might be naive of me, but I don't have the energy to worry about things outwith my control. I can control my opinion of someone, I cannot control their actions.

I trust people knowing that they could potentially betray me. I don’t trust people lightly and judge them generally on their character before I do. But I accept that I could be wrong, and I will deal with any betrayal that might happen, if it happens. I know that I can deal with that and it won’t be the end of the world. I won’t feel foolish for trusting them, I will see it as their issue and their mistake, for breaking my trust.

Because what’s the alternative? Tracking his phone? Checking his messages? Checking his shirts for lipstick?

What is the alternative? Not trusting anyone is a torturous way to live, as I'm sure you're aware.

How would you feel on the receiving end of this? I'd be extremely upset if someone I cared about wouldn't trust me based on nothing. It would ruin the relationship for me. I would refuse to be treated as untrustworthy because of someone else's insecurities

How I trust my friends: I consider that there’s nothing particularly serious I am trusting them with. I have different depths of friendship, so that I have one or two people I could tell my darkest secrets to if needed, and others who are casual friendly activity partners, and others who are a good laugh but a bit unreliable, and the friends-through-the-kids where we’re close in the sense that we are very fond and familiar, rather than having intense confessional type heart to hearts.

How I trust my family: if anyone is particularly indiscreet or fond of drama, I make sure not to tell them anything I don’t want them spreading around. I don’t lend money. I organise my life so I don’t find myself needing to rely on family members who are obviously flaky or irresponsible.

How I trust my partner: in my case that is fairly easy as he is a misanthropic hermit who never goes out, but I guess I trust him by acknowledging that nobody can ever be sure their partner won’t cheat, or develop a gambling habit, or a drinking problem, or turn nasty in a divorce, and so I just have to trust myself to make the best decisions I can should any of those things happen, and make sure I nurture my friendships and family relationships so all my eggs aren’t in one basket.

They will do whatever they're going to do, whether I trust them or not.

By not trusting them, all I would get is a lot of negativity, anxiety and stress in my life. And it would generally impact the relationship negatively - no-one likes to be seen that way, even if it's justified.

Since I would have all the downsides of not trusting, and whether I trust them or not has very little to do with whether they cheat or not, I choose to have the more restful, calm and uplifting life myself, and if they do cheat, well, I know I'll live and I'll get over it.

Do you believe finding out they'd cheated would hurt less if you didn't trust them? I'm not sure that's true. And if it is true, then (IMO) you're limiting your relationships so much as to make them virtually meaningless, so they're barely worth having if you're remaining so guarded.

I don’t think this is helpful but I trust my gut. And I have been cheated on twice. Both times I trusted my gut and discovered it both times. But you have to be able to overcome and go about your business.

I don’t think you can ever really trust anyone apart from yourself. You need to learn to trust that you can cope and carry on if someone does cheat on you.
Live in the moment stop worrying about what may happen one day.

I work in criminal justice in a role that makes you question everything, you just can't take that into your personal life. All you can do is have boundaries and stick to them. Worrying doesn't make someone more or less likely to cheat, it just ruins your experience of the relationship and can lead to insecure behaviours , checking, questioning etc that can damage a relationship and isn't fair to your partner. Ultimately if someone wants to cheat they will, you just have to know that if that happens you stand up straight, head high and move on. It's their loss.

I trust her because she's not done anything to show me I shouldn't.

It's not that I don't believe that she could cheat on me. Given the right (wrong) circumstances, I believe absolutely anyone is capable of cheating. But the evidence this far suggests that she won't, so I trust her.

Think of it like buying a brand new car. You trust it's not going to break down. You have no direct evidence of this fact, you weren't there when it was built, can't see it's inner workings, but you trust it anyway. You don't doubt that trust until it gives you a reason to. If it breaks down once, then it's far more likely to do it again. Or maybe it just starts making a squealing noise that gives you pause for thought.

It's the same when trusting a person. Have they given me a reason not to trust them? No. Has their past behaviour been trustworthy? Yes. So I trust them.

Some of its my decision, some of its their integrity, boundaries and behaviour which make me feel emotionally safe. I recently ended a relationship because there were poor boundaries and repeated dishonesty, and so no emotional safety for me. I knew if I let that continue id become paranoid and on edge and it would get toxic. But usually I trust until I have evidence not to.

AsPP said. I have no control over their behaviour and they are going to do what they are going to do regardless of how I feel.
their actions speak volumes about them, as do mine. So I prefer to trust everyone until they give me reason not too…
it’s too exhausting to be worried and doubtful the entire time. Just have fun and lean into the relationships that make you feel good.

Do you have anxiety in other areas as well?

Do you think this is about low self-esteem and thinking no-one will love you or like you?

I don't spend time on worrying over whether my bf might cheat or that kind of thing. Of course he could, but while there's no reason to think he is, it's not a rabbit-hole I go down.

Not trusting someone won't stop them from doing something wrong. Living in a permanent state of mistrust must be quite exhausting. In my experience there are serial cheaters and you get vibes from them quite quickly. Then there are normal people who can go decades being loyal but something goes wrong and them they cheat, it's not something you can plan for but sometimes relationships end and people don't always end them well.

Do you send your life in perpetual fear that you might be struck by lightning, have a stroke, be in a car crash, get hit by a tsunami, be diagnosed with a rare disease? These are all things which blindside people to but it's best to just get on with it. Enjoy life while you can because it inevitably has ups and downs.

Can’t offer any advice as I am exactly like you. I trust my friends but not my DH . Too many of my friends have been blindsided recently (men and women). I just cannot help it and I am prepared and financially independent case it happens. Is not that I am consumed by suspicion daily but if it did happen I don’t want to be taken by surprise.

Exactly this. The amount of headspace it would take up to worry about this all the time is just not worth it. If someone is going to cheat then they are going to cheat. Obsessing over it won’t change the outcome. If Dh was to say he’s going out for drinks with X and X frien then I trust him and leave him to enjoy his night. I trust that he will make the right decisions and if he doesn’t then he isn’t for me

I trusted and 25 years later I was blindsided. But I know I'm trustworthy and I can't be the only person in the world to be that way - so I wouldn't struggle to trust again.

What was your childhood like OP? Could you trust your parents?

I don’t think I necessarily do trust partners, but I don’t have any control over what they do, so it’s irrelevant really.

If someone is going to cheat or betray you, that’s their decision. All you can do is pick your friends and partners wisely and act with integrity yourself.

I have been cheated on and ended my marriage immediately. I didn’t need to do a big investigation. In fact I never told him I knew. I just told him I didn’t fancy him or feel the same way any more (not untrue) as I knew that would hit his ego hard.

Lots of reasons;
I can't see how lack of trust would stop dh cheating on me. If anything it would make him sneaky.
I think that monitoring another adult is controlling and the fastest way to drive someone away.
It sounds exhausting and I put my energy into things I enjoy when there's any choice in the matter.
If I didn't trust dh our relationship would be over.

Thank you for responding

When people say trust until they give you a reason not to, I get that in theory however I still don’t know how to feel the trust when they could choose to cheat at anytime.

To answer some questions, I couldn’t trust or rely on my parents and I have low self esteem. Im aware this is where it stems from but that knowledge doesn’t change how I feel about trust as an adult.

I also really struggle to forgive so if someone does anything minor that my brain decides means they can’t be trusted I can’t forgive and forget and it’s proof to me they can’t be trusted. It is exhausting and I feel scared a lot of the time. 😢

Choose the right partner and you don’t have to think about trust. DH never ever noticed when other women tried to flirt with him. I sometimes wonder how he ever noticed me.

OP - how old are you? I ask because you come across still young (not a criticism just an observation).

im going to take your post in turn - yes people could choose to cheat at any time. So could you - but I assume you won’t. And the most important thing is even if they cheat you will survive and can’t come out stronger on the other side.

I myself had trust issues, my mum wasn’t really reliable (still isn’t - even though our relationship is a bit better now) and I get the self esteem issue. The good thing is you’re aware of it - you say it won’t change how you feel but it actually can’t. When I was in my early twenties I met my now husband and after a few issues mainly due to my inability to trust - I managed to (or I should say we managed to) put things right. I no longer worry about cheating at all. Don’t think of it. I have his password for both his phones and his laptop and have no need to check any of it.

But you have to work on it. You have to learn to self regulate and see the difference between what is happening and what you worry will happen. Have you tried journaling - I found it both therapeutic and helpful to find patterns and de escalate my emotions.

With regards to forgive and forget - try and think about it this way: people see things differently and prioritise things differently! It’s not meant to hurt you at times and if they acknowledge that they have hurt you and apologise you should accept that apology. No one is perfect. Wouldn’t you want to be forgiven if you had hurt someone? If you had made a mistake?

Sometimes you just have to try if you partner has given you no reason not to. My husband always tells me where he is going and is always back at the time i expect, if he is going to be home late he texts me. He spends every other moment with me, where would he have time to have an affair?

Like other posters, I start with trusting everyone up front until they do something to break that trust. Then I will never trust them again! Keeps it simple 😁

I think it’s about taking people for who they are and paying attention to the little things. Maybe unlike other posters I think trust has to be earned, it’s not about one thing and for me at least it’s not about trusting until proven otherwise but about the whole picture.

I trust my husband completely because I know he is a good man not just to me but to everyone, his friends, my family, our friends, strangers in the street, he is honest even when the truth isn’t pretty, his actions match his words always, he respects me, he loves me and has never for a day made me doubt that, he has shown me one hundred times over that I can trust him with actions not just with words, I know the man he is. That isn’t to say things can’t change and that he will never fall out of love but it does make me feel confident that if that day comes he would end things openly rather than cheat. He is a man of integrity, I’ve stood by his side while he has been through a whole lot of really difficult situations, I know the man he is and I know I can trust that man.