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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband MH affecting kids

32 replies

EMDRwife · 17/06/2026 23:19

My husband has completely unravelled since starting EMDR. TBH our relationship wasn’t in a great place before he started. He had breakdown 7 weeks ago and I really supported him (his family didn’t want to know). Now it’s been thrown back in my face and if I don’t show him the correct amount of care I am unkind etc etc. I’m done and consulted a solicitor this week. He reckoned, with my husbands recent behaviour I would have a chance at sole custody for overnights (I am most worried about this as he has terrible fatigued and has fallen asleep multiple times when caring for them).

My eldest has started to show some signs of anxiety (understandably, they have witnessed so much over the last few weeks and months). Tonight they were sobbing complaining of chest pain but managed to calm him down and he seemed better. My husband then comes home and as soon as I am out of earshot, tells my son he has to leave and we have to sell our house. My son was in bits and I had to spend time with him afterwards calming him down again.

Has anyone navigated this sort of situation before with a toxic partner who is not regulated and burdening the children? We have such a long road ahead of us and I am so concerned that he will do more damage to them

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 29/06/2026 14:45

If he is a good man and a good father, he would want you to prioritize the children. If he isn’t capable of cooperating with those decisions right now, then you have no choice but to force the issue legally. You can always reconcile later.

My teen has PTSD. Even in a custodial position, navigating the confidential relationship with therapy is tough. Obviously the therapist maintains confidence outside matters of immediate safety, but your family member can also feel betrayed by your interpretation of what is happening in the home. It is still sometimes necessary to reach out.

I would occasionally send an email to the therapist. I would try to keep it factual and avoid interpreting or offering an opinion on the situation. I also made sure to only include a general overview with perhaps a couple of the most egregious examples of the problem I needed to convey.

I always imagined my teen reading this email. I didn’t want her to feel like I was complaining or criticizing.

my teen’s issues don’t really compare to your husband’s, but I hope the advice about navigating the therapist relationship can still help.

justasking111 · 29/06/2026 15:17

He's off his head. Just stay safe and report everything to the relevant parties

justasking111 · 29/06/2026 15:21

EMDRwife · 29/06/2026 00:58

Just an update: whilst I was trying to get my ducks in a row to get this sorted, things came to head today and I had to leave the house quite urgently with the children. I found out that my husband was drinking again and he became quite aggressive and intimidating and was saying things again to our oldest that he shouldn’t have been. I called my in-laws and they have been useless. He is refusing to leave the house. I have sought sanctuary at my mother‘s and I’m gonna go tomorrow with somebody else to collect some key things. My oldest is so distraught. Luckily, my youngest seems to be taking everything in his stride, despite the fact that day is actually his fifth birthday. I am making a promise to me and to them that he isn’t going to ruin another key event like he has done so many other times before.

I had hoped that this could be sorted in mediation with a view that it would be less contentious than cheaper, but I don’t think that’s going to be possible. I think I will have to go all guns blazing. I hope I can be strong enough for that my boys.

It's unfortunate that you didn't call the police they would have removed him.

purpleagapanthus · 29/06/2026 15:26

It sounds like an abusive situation. You can have mental health problems and it still doesn’t give you licence to terrorise other people. Document, document, document. Email your GP saying you’re worried about your eldest, email the school and explain what’s happening, contact the police if you’re scared, tell your employer that you’re a victim of domestic abuse and have had to move out for your safety. You may have to produce all this stuff in a custody battle.

Nearly50omg · 29/06/2026 16:34

Call the police and report your husband. He is being mentally abusive to your children and they will help you get him out

Nearly50omg · 29/06/2026 16:35

EMDRwife · 29/06/2026 01:01

I feel really lonely, despite lots of great people around me. I just feel like I have the fate of these two humans in my hands and my actions are going to fuck them up if I don’t make the right call. I don’t believe my husband is physically able to make the right decisions at the moment so never look to him to do the right thing. Also I am so terrified he will do a good job of looking like a decent human to the courts, so much so that in 2 months they grant him shares custody.

NEVER do mediation or counselling etc with an abusive man!! Contact women’s aid or your local equivalent in your area for help and advice and support

Original poster
EMDRwife · 30/06/2026 21:31

Further update: I was contacted by my SIL who advised my husband had been making threats against me in his psychology session and that I shouldn’t return home under any circumstances. He repeated threats to ‘unalive’ me to the professionals he was sent to after the therapy session but wasn’t meeting the threshold for sectioning. Professionals saying he is unpredictable and likely to escalate as I am withholding support and contact. He has also sent me WA messages making threatening suggestions. Refusing to leave the house. I am waiting for police to attend so I can report (spoke with 101) and have meeting with solicitor tomorrow morning. Professionals have done a safeguarding referral and I have spoken to school arranging for kids to be collected by me 10 minutes earlier.

Is there anything else I should be considering. I am still at mums but he knows where I will be. Psychologist warned today he is unpredictable and likely to escalate once he knows I am taking action. I was in our area today taking kids to school and just felt so hypervigilant. I have signed off sick from work for the rest of the week.

This is totally surreal.

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