The Dating Thread 58 - will you swoon in June? 🌸🌼🌸

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Tell him you'll meet him at the original venue or another day?

Tricky one. I don't really know how Breeze works - how much do you know about this guy, and do you like what you know so far?

I think my decision would be influenced by how positive I felt about the match to begin with....If I was keen on him, I would probably suck it up, and tolerate the change of venue (even though I agree it's not ideal). Whereas, if I already had reservations or mixed feelings, I wouldn't ....

It's possible he has a reason for avoiding the initial venue - an ex who works there for example? But if that's the case, it would be better if he explained fully .....

Good to hear re Hinge, we'll do it with you 😂

For dates i arrange 2 or 3 coffees in a row, assuming one of them will cancel! Sometimes around an event I want to do. So I could meet someone at 1pm in Soho and plan to go to Photographers gallery to meet someone else at 2.30pm and then meet someone at 5pm after the gallery I only have 1hr first dates (2hrs if amazing connection) and so if none of them cancel then it's also fine. Also doing something (even walking my dog) or going to something that I would like to visit and would be fine doing by myself also works. In the past someone has said Oh, i'd like to see that exhibition and I say I'm going with a friend already and in one case I was more honest and said I already had company. Another thing I do is if I am going to the cinema with a friend then I'll meet the date an hour and a bit before my friend/cinema.

I don't imagine any of this is helping right now - but I'm sending it cos I hate that horrible sinking feeling and problem solving/finding solutions is a way I deal with that. So I'm sharing with you now if it's bad timing, sorry if it is! In case it's actually supportive timing!

This does sound like a really good idea - thank you!

For example, I have just been asked out by a guy (I will call him Mr Artistic) who wants to meet in town this weekend, so it's a good idea to arrange something else to do while I am there too, so that I won't feel my day is wasted if he cancels......

All I know is what’s on his profile as you can’t message until 4 hours before the date. Im semi interested but its not someone I was super keen on if I’m honest.

The reason for the change is due to his plans as he’s driving back from somewhere so the new venue is nearer to where he lives and more convenient for him.

Also I don't really wear make up unless for dates and so it's all the effort of looking good x 1 and I get 3 x dates for the price 😂

I guess this works still even if you're just gonna do something nice for yourself as well. I would make a solid plan for myself, cos I think it helps with my psychology too where my anticipation and enjoyment comes from both me and from another person (the date). I don't really do tonnes of stuff by myself typically, cos I much prefer company, but somehow works when the two things are side by side!

I'd also presume it's not going ahead. At the very least it's pretty rude and poor communication on his part which would put me off!

Does seem a bit selfish of him. Is there any way he could have checked with you before changing it - would the app have allowed him to do that?

Still heard nothing, so not going now even if he does message.

To be honest I am not that bothered - I wasn't particularly sure I would fancy him, based on his pics.

Now I think about it, he had been getting more flirty - trying to lead the conversation towards sex possibly? And as I didn't join in or encourage, maybe he decided it wasn't worth his time or effort....

His loss!

Definitely his loss, and as the saying goes the trash took itself out. Onwards and upwards!

Sorry the date didn’t work out @Ilovelurchers. Hope you find something far better to do with your evening!

At the risk of sounding arrogant, I do wonder what kind of women some of these men are actually expecting to attract....

I'm not a supermodel, but I am a conventionally attractive woman - I pass for quite a lot younger than my age - pretty much a "perfect" size 12 with a body shape that's traditionally considered sexy - and I dress well, have my hair and make up done nicely in my pictures. My profile pics aren't super-flattering - they show me as I am day to day - but I know I look decent for a 47 year old woman. And once I get chatting to a guy and like him I usually send a couple of "better" photos than the ones on my profile (dressed up to go out) so they do get to see me at my best.

Added to that, I have my own full time work in a professional career, own home, I'm educated and have lots of interests, I'm funny and polite and friendly in my messages. My daughter is a teenager and I share custody, so it's not like my dating availability is crazily restricted.. ..

And yet, men who are far from conventionally handsome, men who are quite a hit older than me, men whose employment and finances are less stable than my own, men who are less educated and articulate, seem to assume I should be desperate to leap into bed with them without them even going to the effort of taking me out first - almost as if I should be flattered that they would sleep with me! And when it becomes clear i'm actually expecting the effort of a date, with no guarantee of sex afterwards, they can't be arsed....

Sorry, I know this is a self-indulgent rant! I'll recover my positivity soon - I know there are decent guys out there - it just feels like a needle in a haystack of shit, sometimes .....

@Ilovelurchers It’s nothing to do with you, it’s 100% them. Please don’t think it’s a reflection of anything you are or have done. I think you nailed it when you said they just can’t be arsed!

@Ilovelurchers I don't have all of your advantages, but I am finding the same.

Planes has no job, no home and issues...

It’s absolutely not you @Ilovelurchers
at this point I think it’s more like finding a needle in a field of haystacks that’s been sprayed silver
i think that’s mostly why I’m still so pissed off with my last ex
he could have been that needle and I’m so angry I’m having to start this bullshit from scratch yet AGAIN

i haven’t even spoken to anyone on Hinge yet, I don’t even know why I’m bothering . I don’t know what the answer is anymore

@Ilovelurchers absolutely nothing to do with you! And all their loss!

@Polly1979 did you decide what to do?

Mr Mullet had just left. I originally thought I had to work early tomorrow so he booked in a pub quiz, but I got my shifts mixed up. No biggie, would have been nice if he could have spent the night but was my error.

Turned up with bubbles, bagels and smoked salmon. TMI but we spent most of the day in bed with a couple of hours in the pub in between.

I welcomed it as much as him (a great Sunday IMO) but am now even more worried he's more interested in FWB, whereas he is the first person in a long time I would be keen to partner up with.

Spoken about meet ups for the next few weeks so we will see but I think I need to tread carefully for my own sake (difficult with my stupid anxious brain!)

I swear I can hear Whoopi Goldberg saying "you in danger girl" 🤣

(Sorry that was long!)

@CleanShirt Sounds like a delicious breakfast (and day!). I think you are right to be cautious. But also… enjoy!

I agree re it being a numbers game and a poor field, but isn't it more about goals aligning? (just realised these are all football related analogies, total accident, but amusing me).

Their goal is to have (casual) sex and your's isn't, so there is no point for them to go on a first date. There is very low demand for them and so they they're in high supply and go round and round and get thrown back pretty quickly if they ever do get picked.

Most of them know they have zero chance of satisfying you probably in any way precisely because of your many good qualities.

Why do they arrange a time and place for a first date? Probably cos it makes them feel a bit better that they could have had a chance, I honestly don't know... When I was younger it used to be so important to me to understand everything and now less so.

I do think women on OLD treat everyone as people, the same as if you had met them in person and I get the impression that men treat women as less real if only met online - absolutely NOT ok. Having said that a friend said that the lesbian dating world is the same/worse with no shows. I'm talking myself around in circles!!!

Thank you for the kind words everyone.....

And I am sorry if my post sounded like I think I'm something special - I really don't - I've got two failed marriages and various other long term relationships behind me, so I am definitely not perfect and I have my demons. ...

In one of our horrible arguments, when I told him I wanted to move on and meet someone who actually valued me, my ex asked me what I thought I had to offer a man. (Implying, nothing ...). After quite a lot of counselling, I do feel (most of the time) that I have a lot to offer and am genuinely worthy of love....

But just occasionally, that question comes back to haunt me .....

But you are all right - and we are all the proof of it! A bunch of kind, funny, articulate, experienced, emotionally intelligent women, and all of us either struggling, or having struggled, with rejection and indifference, from men who should count themselves lucky to even get the chance of a date with us!

However, those of you who have managed to meet someone decent are proof that there is hope! (And it's lovely that you still come on here and give encouragement and advice to the rest of us!)

And, at least I am lucky that I have a job I love, good friends, lovely family, a fantastic daughter..... A relationship with a nice fella would be the icing on the cake, but at least I don't feel I NEED one to be happy, in the way I used to when I was younger .....

Onwards and upwards! No matches on Hinge so far, but I do have a couple of Bumble dates that haven't yet been cancelled.... Mr Cars on Tuesday (cautiously hopeful about him - his messages are regular, respectful and sweet), and Mr Artistic on Saturday, who also seems a sweet fella. I am trying to tread the line between remaining cheerfully optimistic, but also realistic. L

This sounds like an amazing day - I am quite jealous!

You are right to be cautious - I think that's always important. Are there specific things he is doing/saying/texting that makes you feel like he is only looking for FWB? Do you feel like you could ask him (I fully understand that can be tricky.....)

Where are you at with Planes now? Are you thinking of calling it a day, due to the issues you've mentioned?

It's gutting, especially as there is clearly a lot you like about him.

Is his job and housing situation likely to be a temporary thing? I know that's probably hard to answer, but does he have any job applications in? Does he work in an industry where he is likely to be able to find new employment quickly?

A temporary blip might not be so bad, but being with someone who is long term unemployed is tough, I know from experience.

Can I ask how does anyone keep up with this thread? I’m trying really hard to listen but am ND. Could we have a daily roundup racing commentary style!?! (Just joking) had a platonic afternoon with Mr Holiday Homes. I’m going to be brutally honest. I like him but he’s the same height as me. I’m honestly struggling with that. At 6’2 he’d have been a slam dunk! Why??? Couple of other imperfections but this is the biggest. I’m travelling now for a while. He bought me a perfect book (very me) for my travels. I like the physical contact with him and hoped for more of a kiss but he couldn’t really as I’d knocked him back. (Yes I am an overthinker)

I have counter offered another venue that looks like it should be convenient for us both. It’s a bit further for him that the one he picked though so we shall see.

In other news I might have a date with a new iron, Mr Musical on Friday! I’m more interested in him that the other one so just hoping it does actually go ahead.

@CleanShirt that sounds like a great day! Can understand your reservations though if you’re not sure what he wants. I find it hard to have the ‘where is this going?’ chat when it’s early days but maybe could try and raise it in a subtle way. Did it say on his profile whether he was looking for something long term? Not that it necessarily means much if it does say that!

We had a brief chat about it on the first date and it was something along the lines of he'd ultimately like to find someone but liked meeting people along the way... Deffo still too early for another conversation tho!

he sounds open so 🤞