The Dating Thread 58 - will you swoon in June? 🌸🌼🌸

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

• If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!

-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

@Nosdacariad Ahhh sorry to hear that. Yes, it absolutely is depressing going back to the drawing board. But it sounds like you know deep down that you are better off without him.

@duckingclueless @BoxOfCats I'm not sure, but it doesn't say good things about values 🙃

Do not ask me why, but I found the advise to double ignore back very helpful!!!

It doesn't even really make sense!

But I'll say it to you and you can let me know if it does!

'Double ignore this guy back'. He's deselecting himself and giving you back peace and quiet for yourself or time to connect with others.

This must be really disappointing, in addition to the batshit ex/friend... what do you think you'll do? I've been so invested in this being a happy ending for you! Hope you're ok x

This is such a beautiful quote - thank you for sharing it!

It's a lovely way to think about relationships (romantic or friendship) which didn't last but were good while they lasted - for that moment in time, we had the rare privilege of seeing and being seen by each other, and even though not everything can last for ever, it was a precious and lovely thing while it lasted.....

Sorry to hear about Planes. In terms of the sexual problems, is he doing anything to try to solve them? And how big an imoact are they having on the intimacy and your ability to enjoy it - from what I recall he struggles to finish? I think that bothers some women more than others, as we all have our different tastes, preferences and priorities in sex - is it something that is really getting to you?

The landlady issue is also a troubling one - is he aware that you disapprove of his actions? Has he said anything about this?

If either or both are deal-breakers for you, I guess the only positive is that you have found out now, rather than a few months down the line, when you are even more involved. It's shit, though....

I think this is a good idea (and thanks @Nosdacariadfor reporting the incident).

I was deeply uncomfortable with that male poster - found him quite triggering actually - but I totally understand and in fact really respect the effort lots of you kept making to support him and try to help him understand a woman's perspective. Unfortunately it felt like the mysogyny was too deeply entrenched, as we saw ultimately in his treatment of poor @empirebiscuits12(really hope she is OK, bless her).

With so much rampant mysogyny out there these days, safe, judgement-free spaces like this, where women can talk openly about their emotional lives, sex lives etc without fear of being shamed, are so incredibly valuable......

In other news, I've pinned Cara down to a date on Tuesday! Quite excited, need to keep a sense of perspective about it though. Expect the worst, hope for the best ......

Still chatting to Mr Food as well, who I am meeting tomorrow night. He is upping the flirting, and I am not sure how I feel about it - if I was more confident I would be attracted to him I would mind less ... (He's definitely not conventionally physically attractive - not that that always matters to me).

But it's exciting to have a couple of dates coming up - going to try my best to treat it all as a fun adventure and not expect too much.......

Mr Mullet will be here in less than 12 hours with breakfast goods... Still not sure if he's trying to make it into a FWB scenario but I'll report back after we spend an entire day together!

At least you get breakfast goods either way - do you know what he is bringing?

And on a more serious note, would you be open to FWB with him, do you think? Or are you in a "relationship or bust" zone currently?

No! It's a surprise!

I think I'd avoid fwb with him because I actually like him... Recipe for getting my heart broken!

@b0zza1 Just go out with the bloke and find out for yourself! If someone who I haven't met and don't know well would ask me over text why my last relationship ended, I'd give a brief/top line response. That's more of a conversation to get into later on - and does it even matter? Everyone's last relationship will have ended for some reason and likely both people had some part to play. This is a new situation and new people.

In fact, I would definitely say about one of my exes 'he had a child so he did not have time for a relationship'. The truth is far more complicated than that and that's not the reason at all, but equally, I wouldn't want to badmouth him to a stranger or go into 'drama'.

Personally I've never asked anyone about exes or previous relationships - just not interested in discussing other women. If it becomes more serious, they volunteer that info anyway. If they volunteer too much, too early, not a good sign.

@BoxOfCats Let's be honest though, women are much more attractive than men 😅If I was looking for short relationships and swung that way, I see plenty of women daily I'd be happy to meet a few times. Men? Maybe one every few weeks! In fact, I kid you not, around here a good-looking man passing is such an event that women actually call each other over to look out the window, or point out where to find them if it's a handyman or similar.

We now have a 'hot bookseller' and all the women are suddenly buying so many books you won't believe and tell each other about their visits!

Hmmm, are we the new men?

@ElleintheWoods Yes that’s very true, I know a lot more beautiful, confident, fantastic women than I do men. Especially at this age (40s). Personally I look after myself very well but can’t say most men my age do the same.

On Bumble does the woman still have to message first or did they change that ?

I was/am hoping the sexual issues will resolve. It's finishing and some ED and long term this is not something I want to deal with unaddressed.

I've expressed my disquiet over the landlady thing.

I'm really not sure what to do.

Still the same!

A man can’t message you directly if you match but a woman can create ‘opening moves’ which are questions they can answer, thus starting the conversation.

I’m not sure if all men realise this though so if you like someone it’s probably best to message!

I haven’t got a profile yet and might not bother. Never had any luck on it previously. But Hinge is like a wasteland now .

Morning all, just wondering what you all think about this:

I am meant to have a date with Mr Food tonight (drinks at a local pub at 7). Messaged him this morning to check we were still on, and no response so far.

I know he still has several hours to confirm in, but if you were me would you consider the possibility that it's not going to happen?

(For context we matched about a week ago and have exchanged messages every day, though sometimes only a couple a day. Only on the app - haven't exchanged numbers. He was the one who first suggested the date, and has seemed keen up to now - very flattering about my pictures etc)

This is what I was referring to in my post - I had three opening move options for men to reply to and, still, crickets! So frustrating.

@Ilovelurchersid give til 5pm at the absolute latest

Still nothing!

I get so sick of this. I would say, for every date I actually go on, I have at least two arranged where the guy cancels or just disappears ....

I have downloaded Hinge today. Still working out how to use it - but I must say the quality of guys on there does seem better so far..... Maybe it's just that the profiles have more detail?

Need some advice! For my Breeze date next week, the venue is selected for you (in a city of your choice) so I received a message with the details and was pleased with the venue as it’s in a nice area next to a river.

Just got a message from the guy (we’ve never chatted as it’s Breeze) and he said he wanted to move it as was busy that day and it looked like this other Breeze location would be better for both of us. He said he’d changed the venue and hoped that was ok.

Actually though it’s not ok! The new venue is in a grotty part of town nothing like the original bar and although geographically it’s nearer it will actually take me just as long to get there on public transport. I also think it’s cheeky he changed it without checking with me first.

Not sure what to do now! Do I just suck it up and accept that as a first date it doesn’t matter that much where it actually takes place? Though it’s on a Saturday so I’d rather go somewhere nice on a weekend! Or rearrange? Or cancel?!

I’m a bit loathe to cancel as it seems like at least 50% of my dates never materialise because I end up cancelling for one reason or another but mostly it’s because I’m keeping boundaries in place and my bar high and not taking any shit! But at the same time it would be nice to go on a date once in a while and I’ve just blocked Mr Cyclist as he went quiet so it’s depressing to be completely date-less again!

It’s infuriating! If they don’t want to go, why not just say so and if they do then just answer! Annoyed on your behalf.

Agree regarding for every date that goes ahead there’s another one or two that don’t. Either they disappear or I cancel because their behaviour isn’t up to scratch or they say something that puts me off.

I’ve been on hinge for a few months and I think the quality is better. Maybe it’s because the profiles are a bit more effort than bumble, etc. I think success can depend on what your own profile is like too. My original one was probably a bit generic and I wasn’t getting many likes but changed it to beef it up and add more specifics about my interests. I’ve been getting more likes since then.

I would consider that it might not be going to happen x