Starting a fourth thread when I hoped three would be enough

[PithyBeaker]

really hoped I wouldn’t need this but looks like I do

I agree. I was pointing out she isn’t maintaining contact “to be kind”. She’s doing it because she hasn’t yet let go.

I agree with everything you’re saying, but she said she was feeling a bit of doubt not making plans to move him back in. She’s been with him for years. How long is it since she started her first thread and moved him out? Of course she’s not just totally over it yet.

And I’m sure that’s a lot down to the fact she’s still has his messages making her second guess herself, and once she’s got his stuff gone and got him blocked it’ll all be better for her. But I don’t think it’s helpful for strangers to give her a telling off for still feeling things for her ex-partner this soon after the breakdown of the relationship.

But I don’t think it’s helpful for strangers to give her a telling off for still feeling things for her ex-partner this soon after the breakdown of the relationship.

Literally no-one is doing that. No-one is saying she shouldn't be feeling love for him, or that it is easy. Everyone (well most sensible folk) is saying she must cut contact though, for her own sake and that of her child - and also him because its giving him mixed messages and just dragging it out.

I think the people who are being 'there there, its understandable you are still in contact, you are doing so well, do things how you want at your pace your own way' aren't actually helping actually. Its what OP wants to hear, that she can still keep that contact with him and thats ok. Its not. Shes still in love with him, grieving the loss of the relationship, broken hearted and probably tempted several times a day to reverse it all and have him back to stop what is likely a gut wrenching pain in her heart. Of course she is! But she does not need to hear that its ok to keep that string of connection between them. She may desperately want it, but she very much does not need it, and its keeping the pain there for longer. Its cruel to her and to him, and its blocking healing.

That's not telling her off, that's trying to help a fellow human reduce their suffering that we can all plainly see she is now inadvertently exacerbating for herself. I truly believe that everyone reading this who feels like me is, like me, full of empathy for her.

The post I originally responded to started “Is this still going on? Oh dear” and proceeded to tell Op to re-read thread one. “What you need to do is” “You need to” - instructions, like this person is her authority figure. Lots of us on here have been through abuse, and it’s not helpful to have someone telling you what to do. You need to listen to your own feelings above all else. You don’t need someone telling you to ignore your feelings - that’s how you end up in abusive relationships in the first place.

OP’s post had said she had had a wobble and reread her old threads and that we were all right in what we’d been saying and she was feeling more sure of herself again. How does that warrant someone telling her what to do?

In my opinion saying “yes, you’re doing really well, feel your love (you can’t just switch it off), feel your grief, recognise that it’s your love keeping you holding on, remember how you felt in the relationship, pay attention to how you feel when he messages you,” is not encouraging her to maintain contact. It’s encouraging her to process all these complicated feelings so she can actually move on.

@inickedthisname well i disagree. Which is ok.

Ive amended yours.

I think saying, 'yes, you’re doing really well, feel your love (you can’t just switch it off), feel your grief, recognise that it’s your love keeping you holding on, remember how you felt in the relationship, pay attention to how you feel when he messages you, but realise that those feelings of wanting to hold on, wanting to fix it, wanting to keep that connection are what is holding you back. What is delaying your healing. What is keeping you from moving on. No judgement, but it is the thing that is keeping you in this space and will prevent you from moving away from pain and moving into joy and peace'.

I think the bit in particular that is important is when you state she needs to pay particular attention to how she feels when he messages her. Like that means something and gives her important information. Unfortunately that isn't true. In situations like this, our instinct is to look for signs of good, of change, of connection, of wanting reasons to go back and fix it. We are searching for anything that will take us out of this misery (ask me how I know this!). Im not having a go at you - you sound lovely. But the truth is we need to cut out the noise, we can't trust ourselves to make these kind of judgements in this state (love and heartbreak blinds us), so a clean break in these situations is what is needed.

I only wish someone kind had told me this when I was going through it.

I did see that post with the 'oh dear' and I did wince. But then I thought I wonder if its posts like that that the OP really really needs right now. I think she is in a place of wanting permission to keep contact and shes getting it here. Whereas I wonder whether some tougher talk like from that poster that is coming from a really kind place to help her really cut the cord is actually more what she needs. What we want and need is rarely aligned hey.

She had said that his messages were making her feel miserable and exhausted and had at least temporarily blocked him. Not sure whether he is still blocked or temporarily unblocked pending him collecting the last of his stuff. So I didn’t think it was necessary to point out that having contact is delaying her moving on.

How are things going @PithyBeaker?

Did he sort the van? Hopefully he stayed quiet whilst at his sisters and things are feeling positive?

Idle speculation here, but do u think he will be trying to his sister as next go to female for looking after his kids? I think 🤔 yes 🙃 hope I'm proved wrong.

I hope everything’s going well, Pithy. I didn’t mean to talk about you like you weren’t in the room.

Sorry for radio silence. I think assume no news is good news. I will post when I’m having a cry for help moment. Which is not what this is! He has a van booked. Collecting his stuff on Thursday. Situation amicable. Thank you all ❤️

That's lovely to hear. Glad you are happy and things are moving forward

Good to hear Pithy, you continue to navigate this crap stream admirably 👏

Sounds very positive Pithy! I’m pleased for you.

That’s great news a van will be collecting his things, hopefully then you can allow yourself to become completely detached from him. There’s no more reason for communication.

Great news 💪

The end is in sight @PithyBeaker

re-reading your threads is a good idea to remind you where you were

and where HE WANTS TO PUT YOU BACK.

keep going. We’re proud of you.

Hope it all went smoothly!

Hope you are doing well @PithyBeaker

Still hoping no news means good news for you @PithyBeaker and that you’ve had some time to get back to your own thoughts and feelings without the external influence.

Hi all, no news still good news. All of his big items are gone. Just a few bits left to collect in his car but no stress, all is quiet and amicable. And I got asked for my number yesterday by an extremely handsome scientist so feel I’m doing alright…

I actually think that’s really great news! His big stuff being gone is great, it was a battle. Small stuff I’d be inclined to box up and send by courier if he hasn’t been by the end of the month. Then you have no need for any further contact.
Getting approached for your number is definitely a confidence booster!

Excellent update @PithyBeaker ,

I love this. I’m really pleased for you.

You can't leave it there girl! did you give him your number? 😜

(you knew me by a different name previously btw OP, I'm not just suddenly all invested in your happiness!)

Awesome! Very glad the new phase is beginning!