Starting a fourth thread when I hoped three would be enough

[PithyBeaker]

really hoped I wouldn’t need this but looks like I do

Hope you’re all enjoying the fab weather too

Well, I would if there was any fab weather here in Argyll.

I still need my heated throw in the evenings and my electric blanket on all night.
🤣

This heat is hard work, I love the sound of Argyll. WHat's the quality of life there like and do you have a good internet connection for work?!

Well, I'm retired, but the internet connection is mostly good.

The most difficult bit about Argyll is its transport links. To get to Glasgow takes three hours on a bus. Realistically, long journeys have to start in Glasgow, but you have to get there first.

However, the scenery, people and calmness are very worthwhile.

We lived in London until nine years ago, and I wouldn't go back.

Glad to read your positive updates op.

OP, Your threads popped up yesterday on the Board and I have read through them. I join the others who said you are one classy lady, who handled this situation with grace, dignity and were firm but kind throughout.

Wanted to share with you my thoughts on my friends' experiences whenever they have dated 'much younger' men , 5-15 years years younger (think you mentioned that your ex was 8 years younger?)

We already know that most men need gentle nudging and house training to do their share with the childcare and household tasks - even when more and more women earn as much or more, every year that goes by than their male OHs.

But with younger men, I have observed clearly that most of them are looking for a sugar mamma. They do think their youth is something that older women swoon over that they bring to the table, and assume you will be so impressed by their youth and energy in bed (imaginary or real) that you will gratefully and blissfully overlook all else. I have seen this to be the case even when the guy is mid and the woman a stunner.

His first reaction when you asked him to leave - that he is 'young' enough to find someone else, he thinks will keep him in style. That was the real him. The rest after that has been his shock at you having bossed up and really just noise.

Take it from someone who ....well has never found true love (yet?) in this lifetime....despite it or may be because of it, hopefully this is wise advice ....dont date younger or older next time....Men are almost always either looking for sex or money/material IMO......I think our aspirations for soulmate style true love and best friend all rolled in one are best probability when dating same age (give or take three years either way) .....they always have a motive when dating older or younger......and its almost always never heartstrings related

Just to say I had a bit of a wobble this evening and found myself reading the last thread and this one again. Thank you all, truly, from the bottom of my heart. I know it was the right thing. Feels sad and so like oh but what if, maybe I can explain it one more time, he will see the light if I… etc etc etc ad infinitum… Helps so much to read everything back and let the perceptiveness and wisdom wash me again. All I can say is thank you. I am sad but feel very lucky to have had you.

You’ve got this, @PithyBeaker. Everyone wobbles, but every day you stay strong you grow stronger. Future you is so proud of present you.

You're doing well Pithy. Keep him blocked or go back to blocking him and breathe a sigh of relief at the peace and quiet.

Totally normal feelings @PithyBeaker and great that you recognise it as wobble, put it to bed and move forward! X

Is this still going on? Oh dear.

The thread you need to read is the first one. Lots of psychic women in that thread who were able to predict the future.

You need to have a complete reassessment of your self worth. You get validated by this idea that you always have to be overly reasonable and give him the benefit of the doubt. You failed to see him being a twat, because you didn't want to acknowledge what everyone else could see coming a mile off.

You do not have to be reasonable to someone taking the piss repeatedly. You need to find your inner bitch and grow to love her. She protects you from this nonsense.

As others have said, you have acted as if you are addicted to him and unable to just block. You have to keep engaging. Because you are led by this idea that you should be kind and reasonable and give the benefit of the doubt. Every time you do you give him opportunity to get back in your head and try and manipulate you again. He really is a complete shithead of a man. You don't owe anyone like this anything. You do not have to be nice or appease them in anyway. Indeed arguably it means you are giving off mixed messages which makes him think he still may have a chance.

Be mean. Tell him to piss off. Keep him blocked. Tell him there is a deadline and the consequences of failing to meet the deadline. And stick to it.

As I say reread the first thread. So many posters read the room correctly. Take the advice they've said from the word go.

@PithyBeaker this 💯

@RedToothBrush while I appreciate you want the best for PithyBeaker, your post is getting exasperated with a stranger for not doing what she’s been told to do by a bunch of strangers.

You’ve made the assumption she’s been doing what she’s been doing to be kind. She has explicitly said that she still has feelings for this man and wants him to show her he can be the man she wants. That’s why she’s continued contact, that’s why she’s given him more time than a lot of us would. Of course people here felt immediately that she should tell him to piss off, because we don’t love him do we?

She’s done remarkably well under the circumstances. A lot of people who have been raised in abuse don’t recognise what’s wrong with an unhealthy dynamic at all. She saw it, she was told by a qualified therapist that she should work harder (however she thought that was possible!) to make it better.

She still saw something wasn’t right. She acknowledged it wasn’t making her happy, and she turned to mumsnet. She asked him to leave incredibly soon after being supported by the community here (maybe you should reread thread one?). She’s not a robot, she can’t just turn off her feelings. It’s going to take time. And if you can’t be bothered with hearing about it then why not hide the thread?

As others have said, you have acted as if you are addicted to him and unable to just block. You have to keep engaging. Because you are led by this idea that you should be kind and reasonable and give the benefit of the doubt

This is what happens when you love someone and you’re still hoping that he’ll step up and become the man you want him to be. I don’t think Pithy is #beingkind, she just loves him, or the idea of him or the relationship they had 5 years ago.

To those reading the thread it’s obvious that he’s a horrible man who moved himself and his kids in too quickly, who abused her verbally and stopped wanting to actually be with her (walks, evenings) but maintained the relationship because it benefitted him and his offspring.

I also think (sorry Pithy) that his 180 from “I’m young enough to find someone else” to his current decrees of love, adoration and everlasting devotion are because he’s looked into other options and realised that Pithy’s housing situation is superior to that of other women in his orbit.

Love you @inickedthisname (if that is your real name)

You still rock @PithyBeaker 🤘

He really is a complete shithead of a man.

That's just it, though. There's nothing "complete" about it. Life isn't that black-and-white. I doubt you live your own life as if you're coming to it like an internet stranger with limited information.

I am going to get a lot of heat for this suggestion , but sometimes a very counterintuitive strategy is just the thing that works

Can you casually date on OLD for a bit OP ? This will help in multiple ways to get you moving and it does not have to contradict your strategy for peace and quiet.

Maybe at the very least get your profile on there and start some chats, see the likes pouring in, look at men's profiles and have some fun with some left and right swiping

He has starved you of attention and pampering love for at least a few years , and is now love bombing you ....making this very hard to resist without a strategy

If I know this type of man, he will already have put his profile on there and be messaging you in between casual chats (that he hopes lead to casual hook ups) while hes on the loose , technically 'on a break' before you let him move back again

I think the last thing OP needs right now is swiping on OLD.
What is needed is a complete break, a rest.
Another man is the solution.
OP has been with this man for a while, she’s given him so much and a rebound could send her reeling.
I hate the word ‘process’ but that’s what I’d needed here - time to move forwards, to learn the lessons, to rebuild.

I think that poster is just trying to empower OP to be stronger and build better boundaries, which a lot of posters on here agree with.

Realistically she should block her ex, all he’s bringing her is pain and upset, they are no longer together there is no need for contact now.

Your ex reminds me of the old Fable of the Scorpion and the Frog. 🦂 🐸 📚

One day, a scorpion looked around at the mountain where he lived and decided that he wanted a change. So he set out on a journey through the forests and hills. He climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until he reached a river.The river was wide and swift, and the scorpion stopped to reconsider the situation. He couldn't see any way across. So he ran upriver and then checked downriver, all the while thinking that he might have to turn back.Suddenly, he saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream on the other side of the river. He decided to ask the frog for help getting across the stream."Hellooo Mr. Frog!" called the scorpion across the water, "Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?""Well now, Mr. Scorpion! How do I know that if I try to help you, you wont try to kill me?" asked the frog hesitantly."Because," the scorpion replied, "If I try to kill you, then I would die too, for you see I cannot swim!"Now this seemed to make sense to the frog. But he asked. "What about when I get close to the bank? You could still try to kill me and get back to the shore!""This is true," agreed the scorpion, "But then I wouldn't be able to get to the other side of the river!""Alright then...how do I know you wont just wait till we get to the other side and THEN kill me?" said the frog."Ahh...," crooned the scorpion, "Because you see, once you've taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would hardly be fair to reward you with death, now would it?!"So the frog agreed to take the scorpion across the river. He swam over to the bank and settled himself near the mud to pick up his passenger. The scorpion crawled onto the frog's back, his sharp claws prickling into the frog's soft hide, and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so the scorpion would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current.Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a sharp sting in his back and, out of the corner of his eye, saw the scorpion remove his stinger from the frog's back. A deadening numbness began to creep into his limbs."You fool!" croaked the frog, "Now we shall both die! Why on earth did you do that?"The scorpion shrugged, and did a little jig on the drownings frog's back."I could not help myself. It is my nature."Then they both sank into the muddy waters of the swiftly flowing river.Self destruction - "Its my Nature", said the Scorpion...It's just in his nature to be a scorpion. Just make sure you're no longer the frog and swim away from this nuisance cock-lodger. 🙌 I hope you have enjoyed the scorchio weather ☀️ @PithyBeaker

You know I be right , girl

Just kidding, I am actually very pleasantly surprised my idea hasn't been dissed (yet)....thanks MN !

She has explicitly said that she still has feelings for this man and wants him to show her he can be the man she wants.

He's already shown her who he is, over and over, so she's holding onto something he just isn't. She can want til the cows come home and this guy isn't changing. There comes a time when hanging on is a form of self sabotage.

She knows her son is better off with him out of her home. Her finances are better. Her life is less stressful. He made her life so miserable she had to ask him to leave. He couldn't be bothered to take a walk with her.

She's hanging onto what she hoped to get out of this relationship, a loving and mutual partner. He and that idea are not the same thing.