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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Starting a fourth thread when I hoped three would be enough

148 replies

PithyBeaker · 18/05/2026 13:25

really hoped I wouldn’t need this but looks like I do

OP posts:
KatyAnnwillsaveus · Yesterday 10:55

Ex lawyer here. I would now invest in final communication for the collection of his belongings via a lawyer so he knows you are serious about this being the end of the line. Take photos and compile an inventory of what’s left. Give him a reasonable period (no less than 14 days, no more than 30) in which to collect them and a choice of dates and times that he should be able to do this (so he can’t claim you are making it impossible for him). Give a final warning that failure to collect will result in the items being disposed of. You need to be careful about anything valuable, as there are rules about disposing of stuff for no value even if you are an involuntarily bailee. After the period, and if he hasn’t collected, get rid of them (with advice from
your solicitor about any valuable items) so he has no reason to contact you again and block him permanently.

Fleetbug · Yesterday 11:46

KatyAnnwillsaveus · Yesterday 10:55

Ex lawyer here. I would now invest in final communication for the collection of his belongings via a lawyer so he knows you are serious about this being the end of the line. Take photos and compile an inventory of what’s left. Give him a reasonable period (no less than 14 days, no more than 30) in which to collect them and a choice of dates and times that he should be able to do this (so he can’t claim you are making it impossible for him). Give a final warning that failure to collect will result in the items being disposed of. You need to be careful about anything valuable, as there are rules about disposing of stuff for no value even if you are an involuntarily bailee. After the period, and if he hasn’t collected, get rid of them (with advice from
your solicitor about any valuable items) so he has no reason to contact you again and block him permanently.

This. 🙏

Iamstardust · Yesterday 11:56

I'm here to help with the exorcism.

Retro12 · Yesterday 12:02

PithyBeaker · Yesterday 08:42

Yeah it might have to be this… bloody expensive though and I resent having to pay.

It will be a short term pain for a long term gain. It's also showing him that you won't be messed about with and you don't want him in your home anymore. Sending you strength 💐

FlowerUser · Yesterday 12:02

I think he's ignoring Pithy's requests to collect his stuff because he is assuming at some point he will wear her down enough. She will give in. He will move back in and so his stuff won't need to be trekked over to his place and back.

That's how arrogant he is.

@KatyAnnwillsaveus is right. Send him a solicitor's letter. Maybe add in a warning about harassment too.

I'm so sorry that he's behaving this way.

He's just showing you again and again why he is not the man you thought he was, or that he pretends to be.

Holdinguphalfthesky · Yesterday 12:04

PithyBeaker · Yesterday 08:42

Yeah it might have to be this… bloody expensive though and I resent having to pay.

Edited when I saw the advice from an actual lawyer!

harriethoyle · Yesterday 12:12

PithyBeaker · Yesterday 08:42

Yeah it might have to be this… bloody expensive though and I resent having to pay.

Get a friend to help you - I'd do it in a heartbeat for a friend in your situation even if meant several car loads. With back seats down you should be able to get quite a bit in.

Tiddlywinks63 · Yesterday 12:25

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · Yesterday 09:00

ignore the nonsense he has sent and reply “which of the dates given will you be collecting your stuff? Anything uncollected by the end of this week will be disposed of, I can no longer provide storage.”

Don’t engage in the other stuff, you aren’t interested in that.

This ^
I’d tell him his stuff will be in black bags, outside the front door Tuesday and if he doesn’t arrange collection they’ll go out for the refuse lorry.
hen do it.
It’s upto him to arrange collection they’ll.

MrsMcGarry · Yesterday 12:33

PithyBeaker · 18/05/2026 20:53

I’m trying. Composing a message. I need to get his stuff back to him so I can’t just block and be done. Unfortunately. Feels so hard to send that message though. What if I’ve made a horrible mistake

Why do you need to get his stuff back to him?

Why isn't it his responsibility to get his stuff away from you?

Why are you once again sorting out his problems

(These are all rhetorical questions. We both know the answers, and that it's far more difficult to actually stop being the person who takes responsibility than it is to say you know it's not your responsibility)

I would look up involuntary bailee rules, then EMAIL him rather than message to give him the right notice and tell hi you will accept only EMAILS to arrange collection within 28 days and that if he does not collect you will dispose of stuff.

Transferring contact to a different and less immediate form (even consider setting up a different email account just for him) allows you to take back some control here whilst also being able to tell yourself you have not been the bad person

TenTenTenAgain · Yesterday 12:43

You've got the perfect answer to the problem now op - have a solicitor advise you. It'll be worth it.

frozendaisy · Yesterday 12:46

Converse4Ever · Yesterday 10:06

He’s going to do literally anything to keep that stuff on your property, so either..

take it yourself.
leave it outside on Saturday and tell him it’s there.
get a storage unit.
put it in a friends garage and tell him to contact them to arrange to get it.

At a friend’s house
Give him their contact details for collection
is an excellent idea
he won’t be an harasser to them (especially if they are male or there is a male there)

Mix56 · Yesterday 13:01

So his excuses are....
flat too small ?
not sure he can get a van next week,
work,
will be asking a friend to move the stuff there,
need mates to help ?
putting on eBay ?

I'd respond, not my problem, if you don't want these things, they will be disposed of. (Remember his friends were round helping him fit his kitchen immediately ...)

Although he might prefer you dispose of them at your cost I suppose ?

moderate · Yesterday 13:08

frozendaisy · Yesterday 12:46

At a friend’s house
Give him their contact details for collection
is an excellent idea
he won’t be an harasser to them (especially if they are male or there is a male there)

I really like the idea of a solicitor delivering a final warning, but his stuff already being elsewhere -- so by the time he next hears from you(r solicitor), the tie is already severed and it's a done deal.

moderate · Yesterday 13:09

Mix56 · Yesterday 13:01

So his excuses are....
flat too small ?
not sure he can get a van next week,
work,
will be asking a friend to move the stuff there,
need mates to help ?
putting on eBay ?

I'd respond, not my problem, if you don't want these things, they will be disposed of. (Remember his friends were round helping him fit his kitchen immediately ...)

Although he might prefer you dispose of them at your cost I suppose ?

Although he might prefer you dispose of them at your cost I suppose ?

No chance. Disposing of them breaks the last foothold he has, and her paying for it basically shows him how keen she is to achieve that.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · Yesterday 13:26

Can you contact a solicitor @PithyBeaker or does it feel too difficult a step?

I get it that you resent paying for a van / storage (good for your anger, it's definitely an asset here given how he's fucked with your mind!) but you could think of it as the final payment for clear freedom

outerspacepotato · Yesterday 13:47

Look at your abandoned property laws.
Here, you give him notice you intend to dispose of his property and he has a certain timeframe in which he can pick them up. If he doesn't in that timeframe, you can dispose of them how you choose.

Inventory his property and take photos.

Give him official notice that his property is to be removed. Whatever you sent might be considered as that. Also let him know he can only access your property to remove his stuff and any other access will be considered trespass. You can arrange a time for him to pickup, he just can't access at anytime he pleases and he can't just rock on up.

Dear x,
Your stuff stored here on my property in xroom must be removed by x days of your receipt of this notification. Failure to pick up your stuff will make me think you're abandoning it and it will be disposed of. You only have my permission to access my property to pick up your things. Send me a note as to when you wish to do this.

Send your inventory of his stuff along with it. Here, we send these things through the mail with a signature required so there are records that someone at his address received it.

Keep your notice if you send it impersonal and business like. You are giving him notice that he gets his shit or it's out.

This is just to prevent him from claiming things are missing or damaged and a potential lawsuit. This guy likes your money and likes to mess with you.

His friends helped him with his flat, they can help him with this.

Have you changed your locks? If not, do so even if he gave you keys back.

Arrange for a friend or two to be there when he comes to get his stuff. I can't emphasize this enough! He's got it in him to abuse you and this is a dangerous time when he knows he's losing that last reasonable reason to come in your home and contact you.

I personally would hire a small moving truck and get it over to his. That might cost you some money but it cuts that cord and keeps everything safe. Still do the inventory and photos.

AcrossthePond55 · Yesterday 14:02

PithyBeaker · Yesterday 08:42

Yeah it might have to be this… bloody expensive though and I resent having to pay.

My nephew had the same problem, a bunch of belongings that an ex needed to pick up. It was enough to fill the back of a pick up truck.

She wanted him back so kept stalling on getting her things out of his house as a way to keep in contact with him. He finally messaged her that it would be on his drive on XX day and she could pick it up between XX hours, if she didn't it was going to the charity shop. He also said that he wouldn't be there so not to bother knocking. He actually was there and watched on the Ring as she loaded it (with her new BF) and drove off with it. Would that be an option if you have a large enough front garden and are located where you don't have to worry about it being stolen?

Otherwise, I agree with PP. Sometimes we have to pay for true peace of mind. So don't be resentful of having to pay to have his things removed. Think of it as a small price to pay to be rid of him permanently. Once his stuff is gone, you need never see nor speak to him ever again.

tinyspiny · Yesterday 16:29

PithyBeaker · Yesterday 08:42

Yeah it might have to be this… bloody expensive though and I resent having to pay.

Just text him and tell him that as he didn’t tell you which day he wanted to come that his stuff is being put outside on Wed morning at 11 so if he doesn’t want it to get wet / get nicked he’d better collect it . Then reblock .

PrizedPickledPopcorn · Yesterday 16:37

Bloody waster of a man. What a lot of your energy he has felt entitled to suck up.

I’m pleased you recognised your line, and recognised when he went over it.

I’m really sorry you’ve had to work your way through this painful and not particularly productive process. 💐

WallaceinAnderland · Yesterday 16:48

PithyBeaker · Yesterday 08:42

Yeah it might have to be this… bloody expensive though and I resent having to pay.

He's not going to collect it because it's his only remaining link with you.

You have to take it to him even if it costs you. It will be worth it for a clean break.

Arrange a time that's good for you and message him once to let him know when it will be delivered. Then block him again. If he is not there when it is delivered, leave it in front of his property. Photograph everything.

MeridianB · Yesterday 21:00

Proud of you for taking the next step. His stuff needs to be gone because it’s a crucial link (for him) to you. It’s also emotionally radioactive in your home.

If he doesn’t come round at the time you suggested then give him 24 hours notice that a man with a van will drop it off. Then block and don’t look back.

Keeping this channel open with him is like trying to reason with a drunk. You will never make any progress and destroy more of your sanity just trying.

Once his stuff has gone and you’ve burnt some sage, pour your energy into your beautiful son and make summer plans. 🌞

MeridianB · Yesterday 21:00

Snap with @WallaceinAnderland Break the link, take control.

Doubledenim305 · Today 00:33

frozendaisy · Yesterday 12:46

At a friend’s house
Give him their contact details for collection
is an excellent idea
he won’t be an harasser to them (especially if they are male or there is a male there)

Yes. Stuff left at friends house... preferably male. Most excellent idea.

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