How do you navigate a self-absorbed sibling without upsetting family dynamics?

[chichi2026]

I'll start this by saying that I don't want to criticise anyone here. I just feel a bit sad about the situation and I don't feel like it will get any better - so it would be good to know what others would do.

My family is small and there aren't any children, (they were wanted but didn't happen). I have one sister and we are both adopted (different birth parents) and a younger half brother (our adoptive dad remarried after splitting with our adoptive mum after 24 years).

I don't actually use the prefixes of " adoptive" or "step" in day to day life - they are the only family I have ever known.

My relationship with my sister has always been a bit marred by our mum's behaviour, which I grew up thinking was odd but have only in recent years (probably around age 40 ish) identified it as being caused by narcissistic parenting (triangulation) which meant that my sister (nearly 4 years older) was the "golden child" and I was the "problem child". I always knew that something was off but after years of gaslighting, I finally worked out what was going on - and in recent years, I have learned how to grey rock and not give the reactions that would feed this behaviour. It's sad but it's necessary. This thread isn't about my mum though.

I won't bore you as to why, but I have ended up living in one part of the UK within about half an hour's drive of our mum and my sister has ended up in another part of the UK, a similar distance from our dad. The two areas are about 300 miles apart, so it isn't easy for us to regularly see the further away parent. I stay close to our dad on the phone (we chat every weekend for at least an hour and I make sure I make that time for him, however busy I am). I don't have a car at the moment but I make sure that I get down to see him at least a couple of times a year. I am at his (and his wife and my brother's) at the moment.

My sister hasn't been to visit our mum for 5 years, either alone or with her husband. She does drive and has a considerably higher wage than I do. She expects our almost 80 year old mum to travel down to see them if she wants to spend time with her. Our mum is very capable still and a confident driver etc (we don't see her as elderly at all) but I still worry when she's doing a minimum 5 hour drive down every few months.

She phones our dad perhaps every 3-4 weeks, when she wants to tell him something about herself. She visits them maybe once every 4-6 weeks, so they hardly see her - and our little brother doesn't get that time with one of his sisters. He has his own challenges and it makes me really sad because I would kill to see more of them.

Despite all of this, our parents won't say a word to her about it. My sister and her husband visited for lunch today as I'm visiting - yet my sister asked me one question in the entire 4 hours she was here, which was whether I had a good journey. She spent the entire time talking about herself and a job interview she has coming up - which is the first job she has applied for since she was let go from her previous job with a settlement agreement because they hated her.

She knows I've had a shit time recently in my own life and she asked me absolutely nothing. My dad has his blinkers on and wants to be "fair" (I get it to a point and would never challenge him but it's frustrating). His wife (I don't call her my stepmum as they married when I was 20!) gets it completely and when my sister and BIL left, she asked me if I was ok - and knew I wasn't. She said she had been sitting there waiting and watching to see if my sister asked me anything and hadn't even heard the journey question! I realise typing this that it might sound petty and perhaps that's what I'm being.

My sister wasn't always so selfish - it's like something has shifted in her over the past 10 years or so and I feel like she is enabled to be the way that she is. I'm the unselfish one who would bend over backwards for any of them but she will always be the one who is put on a pedestal by our mum - and spoken about "fairly" by our dad.

This is a bit of a crap example but we were raised to always take something to someone's house if we are being hosted. It doesn't matter if it's our parents; if we are invited for a meal or are staying over, we would take a token of thanks (choccies, wine, flowers). That wasn't because our parents expected it - it was just the manners we were brought up with. Until about 2 years ago, my sister would always arrive at our dad's with a bottle (or two) of wine, as we do tend to get stuck in when we all get together. Then it just stopped - she went from years and years of us both reliably turning up with an offering, to them just turning up empty handed. I just think it's so rude- and for a while, despite being on a much lower amount of money, I would buy two bottles just so that our dad wasn't paying out on our afternoon wine consumption!

She turned up today, empty handed. When our dad asked what she'd like as a pre-lunch drink she said she would like white wine but then said she would like red with her meal. I bit my tongue and didn't ask what colour she had brought with her!

After lunch, I broached the topic of whether she was planning to come up to visit us (that's when we worked out that she hadn't been up for 5 years). She missed our Mum's 70th birthday as she didn't come up and now I'm thinking about her 80th birthday and thinking surely the same thing can't happen again.

Despite all of this, she is still the golden child. I have no idea how I ended up in this situation.

Sorry for this being such a long ramble. I love them all - but I don't like my sister. I don't like the person she has become. I don't like that she hurts my dad, ignores my brother, doesn't ask me any questions and expects our mum to visit her. I haven't got it in me to suddenly try to emluate her behaviour in the hope that it will make me more popular because I care too much. Has anyone else worked out how to navigate this kind of behaviour from a sibling, without pissing anyone off?

I think you need to live your own life and let your sister get on with hers. It’s not up to you to control how your sister behaves towards your dad and your brother and your mum. Your parents (quite rightly) don’t want to criticise her in front of you and you shouldn’t ever expect that. The wine example is petty and it sounds like you’re looking for something to be annoyed at her about given it wasn’t you hosting. If your Dad thought it rude of her not to bring anything then it’s up to him to say something - if he’s bothered by it - but bluntly it’s none of your business.

It sounds like your family is complicated and your references to narcissism/golden child/ triangulation/grey rock sounds convenient internet therapy speak. Ime life and people are far messier than that and rarely so easily put into boxes. I would guess that your sister has a very different perspective on family dynamics.

If you don’t like her behaviour then you can either have a conversation with her (and be prepared to hear a different point of view) or you can spend less time with her but ultimately you can’t control what she does or who she is.

Thanks for giving your perspective. I felt the post was long enough without giving life story but it's interesting that you think I'm being petty (I used that word first so you aren't insulting me) based on what I've said - perhaps I am.

You might call it "convenient internet speak" but I would call it making sense of my life, albeit within some pretty niche parameters. If you have been blessed with a "normal" family then I am pleased for you and hope that it is giving you all that you want.

I have no desire to control her or anyone around her. It's ok for me to wish I had the power to change that though, even if it will never happen. I would like to have the kind of relationship with her that I used to have, where I would be encouraging her all the way. I now feel awful for hoping she doesn't get this job, as she can then feel a tiny bit of what awful feels like. I don't like that version of me - but I also intensely dislike this version of her more.

Thanks for your inpút and for taking the time to come on here and make sure I know my place. It could have been written by her - right down to the language 🤔- but I respect all opinions, so thank you for yours.

As you now know, this happens in quite a lot of families. It's crap, particularly for the scapegoat, and leaves the golden child with problems too. She may never work out why she has difficulties in teamwork and loses friends - yet these things will hurt her disproportionately as, in her mind, she deserves to be adored.

Where did/does your brother fit into this three-cornered drama? Has your dad slotted him in somewhere, or is his emotional engagement with his current family completely different from his continued stereotyping of his two daughters?

I'm sorry, but I'm going to say there's little you can do about it apart from cutting right back on the 'bending over backwards'. You may be stuck with the image you family has unfairly slapped on you. You don't have to add 'doormat' to the picture. The scapegoat often tries extra hard to win approval - your role with these three is to be disapproved of, so it's a thankless effort. Try taking a few steps back, observing them like a sitcom, rolling your eyes a bit. Run a silent game of trope bingo in your head, if it helps!

There are some good books about this, I assume you've read a few of them.

what shutuporsaysomething said ^^

there is no such thing as a ‘normal’ family

@ourSusie I'm very aware of that, but thank you for taking the time to come here and let me know.

Thank you - and you're right, I'm not helping myself and I need to consider my place and my role in the family moving forward. I think it's hard because none of us are related and I'm a deep thinker, very much fascinated in nature vs nurture as well as the dynamics I have been landed within. I think nurture plays a massive role but we will never know the nature side of it. I knew 3 of my grandparents and I totally believe that it is a big part of things, as I can see my parents morphing into their parents more every day (good and bad ways!). I don't know what good and bad qualities I have inherited from my birth parents.

Your'e right about the golden child being placed within a difficult position as well and it's good for me to be reminded of that. It is a priveleged position in comparison with mine but I can see that it would carry its own complex issues with it.

None of that would explain why she has become so inherently selfish over the past few years though - or why she shows no interest in other people - so it's still confusing.

why she has become so inherently selfish over the past few years though - or why she shows no interest in other people

Just a thought: may be way off-beam, obvs. Does she seem very animated, sparkling eyes with large pupils, talking a lot?

Sorry, I failed to answer the full question you thoughtfully asked. My lil bro has additional needs and lives with my dad and his wife - that will possibly never change (and if it does, not for many years). Even if he didn't live with my dad, the expectations wouldn't be the same (quite rightly) as his mum is a massive protective factor.

I think my issue is that I thought at our grown arsed ages, we had it all figured out. My sister is in her late 40's and I thought that I had worked it all out and how I would manage things moving forward. I wasn't expecting this so-called sensible, grown woman to change her way of behaving at this point, which would then make me feel worry about both of our parents because she doesn't appear to care. I can't switch off my feelings, or step back and leave them to it, because rightly or wrongly, I love them and and don't want people to be hurt.

Ahaha not a cokehead but she is definitely a "functioning" alcoholic for sure. She lost her last job because when she was drunk (after getting home from the pub where her only friends are) she fell off the sofa to avoid stepping on their new kitten. She broke her wrist badly when she fell. Apparantly she screamed abuse at the paramedics and the hospital staff and "can't remember that" - that's because she was hammered when she was given gas and air. This woman was trusted with managing the needs of a school full of SEN children. Sigh.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Sounds like the change in her is down to alcohol misuse disorder 🙁 It could explain why she doesn't drive to your mum's, as well - too long without a drink and/or increased risk of getting caught DUI.

Out of interest, have you and she ever talked about your mum's triangulation?

Could it possibly be that you are self absorbed?

Have you asked her if she is ok? Or if you can support her in any way?

It sounds like she might need her sister right now and this is maybe a time to rebuild your relationship?

It sounds as though you miss her, understandably. She’s your sister and maybe move forwards and beyond the scapegoat / golden child dynamic and be there for her?

Thanks for your thoughtful response. It seems so obvious when you say that but no, she is very much not someone who is reliant upon alchohol. I know you can be a functional alcoholic and live a pretty normal life and I would say she's been like that for years.

She likes to blame anxiety on a lot of things, which may be true to at least some extent - although unlike me, she hadn't sought out any help for her issues. Her husband is a nice enough bloke but he mollycoddles her so she has nobody in her life who holds her to account. That is, until her most recent employer did. She kept saying her arm was broken but her brain still worked - so I suggested she spent the money on a taxi into work even on a phased return, for a few days a week, just to show willing. She point blank refused to go back until she could drive herself in - and was shocked that they fired her. You can't help some people.

Look: while agreeing with your dx of a very fractured family with poor dynamics, maternal triangulation, golden child/utility child (I will throw tgat in rather than scsoegoat: its up to you to break free. Your sister is not your ally. Everyone else has noped out of the relationship with your mother. So you need to treat your concerns about the Aged P’s with clear eyed understanding that you are going to shoulder all the burden and never hear yourself praised or thanked.

If you want to see your df or your dm see them. If you don’t:don’t. But stop sentmentalizing or grieving your sister’s failure to function. She has collapsed and is decaying inside but doesn’t know it. Very common form of damage when you have been raised in a toxic household even if you were the golden child.

Also stop trying to rescue her. Its totally insincere. You can’t stand her. She doesn’t care about you. Just back away from her clusterfuck of a life.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read through everything and get a good undertstanding of the situation.

It appears that you have got a feel for what is going on and that you've concluded that I have switched off my feelings towards her. You couldn't be more wrong.

I haven't wanted to go into more detail about our family but she is white and I am brown. Our parents are white. I'm not suggesting that any of them are racist. However, if thought and care was needed for a sibling, it would be the other way around. She is very aware how easily she went through life and how much I suffered - up to the present day, which is why today was so frustrating and why my dad's wife was so shocked that she didn't ask me a single question about my welfare.

ooooohh - nasty,

the truth dawns

I agree with much of what you've said and as I said, I'm sad about it all. I don't think I'm truly loved by all of them (just some) and that's hard to swallow.

I know what I want to do for myself but even if certain family members don't want me to be a part of my family, I'm not going to be pushed out by them. My mum and sister deserve each other and I wish they were living locally to one another but that's not where we are at.

I didn't ask to be born, or adopted and I have to spend every day not being angry with local government decisions made over 40 years ago. There are people on here who will consider than to be moaning about shit I can't change and whilst they are correct, it would be nice if the trolls could back the fuck off please, thank you.

Are you ok? The Samaritans is open 24/7 and they will listen to you if you have got stuff to get off your chest.

Goodness me. I can’t believe you’re in your 40s, your sister is in her 40s, and you’re talking about parents in their 80s!! Nothing is going to change at this point. These people - and you - are who you are. If your parents want to allow themselves to get hurt, nothing you can or should do about it. If your sister is a self absorbed twat, nothing you can do about it. It’s quite arrogant of you, in a way, to think that you can stop grown adults from being who/what they are because of what you do/don’t want to happen.

I think you might need to loosen these relationships a little if you don’t like them. Because you really have no other option.

erm Im going to report this thread

Oof, so you think I'm arrogant for trying to find a positive way out of what is a currently a shit situation?

I agree that I will likely have to take a step back and accept that things will take their course. I can do that until my mum dies and then despite her and my sister being thick as thieves, I will be the mug who clears her home (sensitively as she has so many sentimental possessions that we have discussed over the years).

Why should I loosen my relationships with my only family, rather than trying to let them know how I feel?

why? because you can't abuse me freely without being challenged? You would be better off going to bed and realising how daft you sound.

Hi I can definitely identify with a lot of elements of your posts and I know that it hurts so I am sorry for that. I have been having therapy to accept it and it does help a bit but it does still feel hard especially when my own life if hard. I have come to realise that no matter how hard my life is - my parents will always see hers as harder. There’s no space to talk about my very real troubles and she never asks how I am or how my needs are. My therapist talked a lot about putting in place your own (sometimes internal) boundaries and that they don’t have to be forever, but just for today, Also trying to focus on people in my life eg friends who do support us. It’s hard. Sorry for the ramble but your post resonated x

I don't want to sound patronising here when I say good on you for seeking out therapy. You're not rambling at all and I'm both pleased and sorry that this has resonated with you.

I'm waiting for therapy myself but this hasn't been straightforward, as I have been the victim of racial hate crime - and because this is an ongoing thing (Court case next month) that service won't help me with single event trauma therapy. I honestly think I'd be better off in prison at times - but that's obviously not logical.

I feel like I started learning about boundaries with my Mum a year or two ago and I can definitely now work to build upon that when it comes to other family members. After all, any self-imposed boundaries can't make me feel more lonely or isolated than I already do. Thanks for sharing and I hope things are getting better for you x

I think that your sister has her own problems as is probably deeply unhappy. Her personal past sounds deeply problematic and she certainly isn't living up to her golden child status is she? Each visit is probably a huge cover up expedition. There is far more to this than meets your eye OP. She has probably stopped bringing wine to stop herself from drinking too much whilst visiting.