Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

Honestly, I've no sympathy for his furniture moving dilemma.

I had to empty furniture from our old house after DH died and had no fit, healthy, strong friends or relatives who could help. (A few unhealthy, older only...)

I asked my estate agent for a recommendation and paid a local firm to move one item to my place and to dispose of two futons and a three piece suite. I think it cost about £200. Well worth it...I'd already removed all the smaller items myself. Two men arrived with a van and had the items removed within 15 minutes.

Your ex-to-be does sound completely and utterly useless.

I'd watch him, to be honest, to make sure he didn't waltz off with things which should be staying with OP.

Like the fridge…

Good luck to him trying to move it 🤣 considering he can’t find anyone to help him with a wardrobe so moving an American fridge freezer would be interesting to watch

OP do you have a plan for if you come back on Saturday and either he's still there, or the couch and cupboard are? I think you can happily sling other belongings into the front garden for him to collect, but what about the heavy stuff, if he's not sorted out any help with it?

I haven’t got a plan for if that happens, I suppose I’d just have to deal with it at the time. I’m not sure what more I could do or anything different I could do xx

You've prioritised your children, which is the right thing to do. As a PP said, just remove anything important, valuable or of sentimental value. These things need to be out of your house, or in your car boot as long as he doesn't have a key. If you have gaming equipment or tech used by the children, don't leave it as he will take it for his "50/50 contact".

Also things like bikes or scooters, sport equipment. Is there any tech he might take? Make sure no card/ payment details are saved on any devices he might take.

I’d be more worried about him taking things precious to the kids or useful to you. You need someone there if not you, and preferably it is you plus someone, and set areas he can be in. It’s much much much harder to get things back than it is to stop him taking them. You can have special time with the dc afterwards, sat might have to be mum protecting her dcs life at home time, if you can find someone to have them.

Be warned @mummy917 that your house might not be as tidy as when you left. I reckon it will look as though a mini tornado has passed through with scratches and marks on the walls and drawers half shut.

I also suspect the fridge and food cupboards will be raided...

If you find his stuff left behind and it needs clearing, stick it on Facebook Marketplace at a bargain price - someone will snap it up and collect it PDQ, I bet.

If he'd spent less time at the gym, or getting tattoos done, or "visiting his mother" then surely he'd be packed and ready to go by now .....

@mummy917

Having your docs under the bed is fine for when you're around, but unless you have a lock on the bedroom door I'd take them with you (assuming you're taking your car) or I'd drop them off with someone beforehand if that's possible. At a minimum, take pictures of them.

You haven't mentioned valuables or sentimental items. Don't assume he won't take something you want to keep. Err on the side of caution. I know those are harder to move and/or hide, but it's worth it if you really don't want to lose them. With 'marital property' it is very hard to get things back once they're in the possession of the 'other party'. Trust me, I know!! I left the marital home with a duffel bag and had to do 'commando raids' when he's been gone to get clothing and other precious items and even inherited (non-marital) property out of the house after he started destroying things that were precious to me. Perfectly legal for me to do so where I am as I'm still joint owner of the house so I can enter and leave as I choose. The only other way would have been to get a court order listing the items and that would have taken months and he would have destroyed most of it by then.

Very good on reacting to his veiled hint that you should help him move out. Just goes to show how selfish he is. If he says anything more I'd either pretend I didn't hear or give a vague 'Mm-hmm' as if you weren't paying attention. If he asks directly I'd simply say "No". No explanations or excuses, just "No".

I think as long as the DC know he'll be moving out whilst you're all gone getting them out of the house on Sat is a good idea.

Would you post a link to your new thread? (I didn't see one when I started my post

Assuming he does take everything he says he will, it'll be tough for the children to come home on Saturday and see the lounge without the sofa. It will seem bare and a stark reminder that their dad has walked out. Maybe have some garden chairs ready (if you have any) to sit on until your new sofa arrives.

Your ex sounds like a complete bell end OP and I wish you well for the weekend.

@mummy917

Can you link your new thread or name it please ?
I've looked for the same title pt2 but can't find it .

Will also say , as he has been seeing ' his mum ' quite a lot lately tell him to store his stuff at hers rather than expect to pop in to yours to collect .

Thread 2 is here Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2 | Mumsnet

Hide the documents someplace better than under your bed. Your car, your office or a friend's for safekeeping for a couple of weeks perhaps.

Thank you .

I’m fully expecting him to not leave it tidy or to have hoovered or anything when he’s moved a huge couch or wardrobe 🤦‍♀️

I am seeing my friend tomorrow and she has agreed for me to keep all my important documents at her house until he’s gone. Thank you all again for the great advice, I don’t know why these things aren’t occurring to me, or if it’s just because I’ve never had to mistrust him in the past so I find it hard to now.

We will still have a cuddle chair once he takes the couch which fits all 4 kids on it so I’m hoping it won’t look as bare as I’m imagining 😩

Funnily enough I said that to him about his use of his time and if he didn’t spend 10 hours at “his mum’s” on Sunday just gone, he’d have gotten an absolute load of stuff done!

There’s no tech he can take, we don’t have anything other than my phone which will be with me.

Taking the sofa and leaving you and his children to manage with a cuddle chair just shows he's the scum of the earth. I hope the sofa springs bust under his selfish arse.

I’m fully expecting him to not leave it tidy or to have hoovered or anything when he’s moved a huge couch or wardrobe 🤦‍♀️

That is not what I meant. But maybe your ex is better trained at not leaving a trail of devastation in their wake. Other women have not been as lucky.

Just when I thought he couldn’t be any worse - he is taking the family sofa and leaving you and 4 children with one cuddle chair 🤯😲

OMG I hope this man goes to hell. What an absolute selfish pig.

Any time you start to waiver and miss this man (the man he used to be)……. remember the sofa!

Can you drip the juice from a can of tuna down the insides of it on Saturday morning???

Haha, or cut a tiny hole in the bottom and stuff it full of prawns. It'll be a few days before the smell begins 😁

Yeah why the hell is the single man leaving ONE fucking chair for his FOUR kids and their mother?!

I think you should be putting your foot down over this, he gets the chair and you guys keep the sofa.

The finance from DFS is in his name and he said he will continue to pay it so he is taking it. I just said fine, you take it, I really don’t care. I’ve bought us a new sofa and ordered it a few weeks ago now. It’s coming in the middle of July.

Haha I could drip juice down it 🤣

Honestly I hope in a year I look back at everything and just think “what the hell did I ever see in him?!?”