Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

He really is such a loser.
Takes zero responsibility for anything in his life.

He also told me last night that he has nobody to help him move stuff from this house to his new one, so that’ll be fun to see how he works that one out and gets a corner couch and a big wardrobe onto a removal van. He’s driving it himself so it’s not a company with removal men.

He's not sounding too bright, is he?

Seriously op, you will wonder very soon what you ever saw in him.

Don’t get drawn into explaining yourself. At the most I’d just shrug and say sorry you feel that way.

Every-time you don’t agree / go a long with him he’s going to brand you controlling space him to it!

@mummy917 well done on your handling of the twerp. You were excellent. He's going to get such a rude awakening.

A few years ago there were threads by someone one whose user name was something like Running In The Rain . She had been dumped by text and her recovery journey was inspirational.
Maybe someone could link . @mummy917 might find it useful .

Are you going to be out of the house while he’s moving his stuff? Might be awkward to be standing there watching..

I remember that thread, it was great. Can't seem to find it though.

This was also a really good thread, I've never forgotten it: Dh is leaving me - bolt out of the blue | Mumsnet - the OP really blossomed and it was so nice seeing her journey. As suspected it did turn out her husband had met someone else and predictably, he did regret it and wanted OP back.

Please do not lift a finger to help him move out. If you don't want the wifey you don't get the wifey service.

Hi op he really is a manchild. Op good for you it’s sounds like you have had to be in control for you all to function I think men are using this controlling against us when they can’t get their own way. They don’t see its real meaning. You are definitely getting stronger. When he says nasty stuff about being in control I would be saying well if we left things for you to sort nothing would get done.

£1,200 on a tattoo vs hiring Removals firm! Says it all!

Imagine having the balls to think that the wife whose life you have just turned upside down is going to help you move your stuff out! The brazen entitlement! And your response was perfect OP!

As someone else suggested further up the thread, have you thought about taking the kids out for the day on Saturday so you’re not around while he’s moving his stuff out @mummy917 ?

I think his forward thinking and planning skills so far are a precursor of what’s to come when dealing with him around co-parenting issues. I definitely agree with others about using a co-parenting app going forward. I wouldn’t want his disorganisation and chaotic lifestyle to impact me or my children any more than it has to going forward.

Every time he criticises you, you should reply its good you're leaving me then, you'll be a lot happier.

And every time he acts like you should do something for him you should say no, I won't be doing that, that would be controlling of me. You must be free to take care of your own things.

I know that would be so hard to say but it would honestly be the best response.

Hi OP you are just amazing and your care for your children shines through everything you do.

From all that you have said it is clear that 50:50 is NOT in the best interests of yr children. Its certainly not what they are used to and familiar with. As you have documented- you brilliant woman - for the past few weeks its much more 90:10.
Courts take this into consideration. The welfare of the children is paramount and this fantasy 50:50 is complete BS as you know. So keep your counsel, don’t share your plans and just nod if he says 50:50. Get good legal advice and he may well get a shock when a judge looks at the actual time he has spent with his children in the last few months…

The way you write now has changed remarkably from the start of the thread to now. It’s great to see that you aren’t taking his shit anymore. Good for you.
And I’m glad the advice on this thread has helped you work through how he operates 😊

I like a wry smile and 'shame' in response to the latest dilemma they have created for themselves.

Oh and you probably know this already OP, but child maintenance is based only on where the child sleeps. So if he says that he can't collect them from school so will pick the children up at 6 when they've had tea, or at 7.30 when they're ready for bed, the answer is no. He collects from school or after school club (which he pays for on his contact days) or he has forfeited his contacted, then the answer is no, your next contact will be on Wednesday.

You know the sad thing is, if he had just been a decent human being and been like 'This just isn't working for me anymore but it isn't you it's me' instead of all this bs calling you controlling etc, you would probably have helped him move.

You'd probably even have remained friends after the split, at least once the hurt subsided. But instead he has behaved like a total prick and not only lost the love of a good woman but also, the friendship.

It's the sheer arrogance of him biting the hand that feeds him and then asking for more food in the same breath.

Thank you everyone, just gotten round to reading the most recent replies! I have had a very busy morning with the 3 youngest at soft play and then the library 😊

Yes I definitely feel as though I’m quite a bit further on than I was when I first posted the thread and honestly, the support and advice I’ve had from every one of you has helped me more than I can say!

I am continuing to keep a log of everything for this 50/50 he states he wants but so far hasn’t done at all. Also, which coparenting apps are good? I do think it’ll have to be an option for us, because he’s hopeless at organising his life and it’s another way to keep a log when or if he lets the kids down.

In response to other replies, I am taking all 4 kids out on Saturday for the day while he’s moving, and we have a movie/treat night planned for when we get home. I’m hoping it takes their minds off things even if it’s just for a few hours and it’ll be an opportunity for them to ask anything they want about what’s going on too.

That's an excellent plan for Saturday, for you and the kids.

Isn't it ironic how the first actions of his new-found freedom from your awful controlling behaviour currently seem destined to fail.

How is it possible that a 40+ yr old man hasn't got a workable plan for moving out 3 days before it's happening?

I'm so glad you and your children aren't going to be around to witness it.

💐

Eta : please do set up a new thread before this one fills up so we can continue to support you.

I know you shouldn't have to but I'd gather all important documents/things that are important to you and hide them. It's happened before to friends going through this either out of laziness for not wanting to buy their own or just being vindictive (their ex-wife's makeup/clothes etc) have been taken/misplaced/destroyed.
I hold out hope with 4 children he'd be more mature but the way he's treated you...I wouldn't hold my breath!

Can't his mate who he has all them late night take aways with help him 🤪

I’ve made another thread incase this one does fill up 😊

Ha ha I have asked him if his friends can’t help him and he said they’re all already busy with their wives and kids…ironic eh?

I’ve got a folder under my bed with all important documents in and he doesn’t know it’s there or what’s in it. I haven’t owned decent make up for years so there’s no danger of him taking that from me, and the same with clothes, they’re all quite mumsy and inexpensive.

I don’t think it’d be good for the kids at all to see him leave. The oldest two will remember Saturday regardless and I’m already worrying how it will affect them not only now but in later life too, so spending the whole day out is a definite.

Ha ha I have asked him if his friends can’t help him and he said they’re all already busy with their wives and kids…ironic eh?

Well I hope he's supporting them to leave these awful, controlling relationships!!

God imagine his friends their wives being so 'controlling' that they cant help their poor separated friend move home 👀 ,he's a clown op you are well rid ♥️

Give it a few weeks and freedom will feel so liberating op . We fear loneliness but honestly it's freezing and it starts to look good on you . No more tension ,no having to worry about another person and so all their admin aswell as your own x