Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

Yup, some classics straight off the script:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5169069-the-script-what-would-you-add

Cherchez la femme.

I'm so sorry, OP, keep posting here - support in these situations is one of the things Mumsnetters are really good at. Try to talk to friends or family in real life too - it's hard but it will help. Take care of yourself as best you can through this.

Reading your post sent shivers down my spine, word for word what I heard back in 2022. Of course there was an OW (my “friend”). I’m so sorry OP it’s just the most awful time but you will come out stronger and happier.

Sorry OP - none of this is your fault AT ALL. You could have looked like a young Carla Bruni, kept the house looking like Marie Kondo had just paid a visit, and had a stellar career on the boil and he would still have done this, because he is entitled, selfish and damaged. You did make one bad choice - and that was to pick a pathetic man who, when the going got tough, let you down. You'll be better off telling him to pack his bags, the lazy, cheating arse.

Classic script - there’s definitely another woman, sorry op

It's the script. I guarantee that he'll be sitting on his phone in the spare room (or wherever he designates as his space) chatting with the new woman. And if you deign to leave him to look after the kids, he'll be extra cross because that's interfering with his flirting/being validated by her time.

You need to bottle up that anger and deploy it strategically.

Sorry to hear this, OP. You must be devastated. It sounds like your H has regarded parenting as your job. Mumsnet taught me that you should never refer to your male partner as helping with childcare or helping in the home because that sends the message that it’s basically your job and his involvement is optional. In fact, it’s as much his job as yours.

Stop apologising to him right now. That just sends the message that he’s right and you’re wrong. You’re not perfect, no-one is, but it sounds like your requests were reasonable and he has consistently been very selfish.

It is a near certainty that he’s had his head turned by an attractive other woman, probably inexperienced in life, who’s been taken in by his sob story of s miserable marriage, letting him cry on her shoulder and has been massaging ego.

Better to be fierce and let him go rather than cling on for now. He may well find the reality much less enjoyable than the fantasy life he has created.

I am so sorry OP. He sounds like an utter idiot. Your expectations were that he act like an adult not like a selfish twat and yet he persisted with that. He is now reconstructing reality to make you the problem when it is as clear as day that it is him. But telling this new story is the only way he can maintain the fiction about himself that he is a ‘nice guy’. No. He is selfish, disrespectful, lazy, immature and more. That is him not you. I’m not surprised your mental heath is poor because he is intentionally messing with your head. Find your rage and keep your powder dry. I promise you that in time you will be thanking the gods you’ve got rid of this fool. You deserve much more than he can offer. Reframe this. You don’t want him. You’ve reached your limit. You’re fed up of being controlled. You want out of this relationship as you want to be with a man you can respect. Get legal advice and get rid. We are rooting for you.

It doesn’t sound like you had a partner more a selfish manchild. What is your financial situation? If you are living separately within family home you can claim UC now if eligible. Also put your info through benefits and child maintenance calculators online to see what you would get if lived separately.

Could you and dc move out or is it a rental you would like to hold onto?

You could also contact citizens advice to make sure you are claiming everything you are entitled to. make sure any income of yours is paid into a solo account and even think about moving half of any joint savings (after getting advice) to secure them. If finances are tight cancel any unnecessary subscriptions / do financial audit to see if can save on bills (moneysavingexpert has useful info).

Change any passwords for your finances or email etc He is not your friend. Don’t let him leave with anything personal or important eg children’s passports / family keepsakes - ask a friend to look after stuff for you it’s not unknown for people to take or sell stuff to fund their new life

Make sure you have copies important paperwork / savings / pensions

Dont waste time reliving past arguments it’s his selfish behaviour that was the problem not your reaction to it. It took separation for me to see that clearly. You already do all the childcare so you and dc will be fine.

I wonder how he'll cope with more responsibilities when you live separately? Hand him a proposed schedule for now and for when he moves out. See how he likes that. His beloved football will definitely be a casualty.

OP the scrip has kicked well and truly in. He has lined someone up for sure who has clearly been eagerly awaiting her signal to wade in, and what your DP is saying is classic example. I am so sorry. DO NOT BEG HIM TO STAY.

Stop catering for him as well. What you will find ones he has left is he will continue to play the script blaming you for the whole entire relationship. Do not take the bate. Just calmly let him throw his temper tantrum around, and here is another spanner, ones this other woman turns out not as expected by your DP, he will come begging, love bombing like you never seen before. Believe me you do not want to take him back as it will only give a huge signal to DP that he can walts all over you again, blame you again, and leave again.

Now is your opportunity to pick yourself up and find your worth. He aint it.

Kick him out and change the locks. Get angry OP and do not take the blame. This is the script.

He has to make you the bad guy otherwise he's the bastard who fell dick first into another woman and walked away from his family.

Your husband is a victim because you don't take care of him like his mom did. He has to be a husband and partner and parent instead of a teenager and he's not up to the job so he's quitting.

Get ready, he's probably got someone else lined up to be his bangmaidnanny.

Ignore the bullshit rewriting of history. This is his excuse to himself for cheating and or leaving your marriage. Get your support together and see a lawyer.

Thank you all for your kind comments and reassuring words. Our children are 9,4 and 2 year old twins.

Some of my friends have said the same about there potentially being another woman, I just never thought he’d do that out of everything else possible.

I really have beaten myself up over the last 6 weeks thinking and going over the things I’ve said to him about pulling his weight and the things he has said to me about feeling like I’m controlling him.

I have made our house into a home so I really don’t want to leave if I don’t have to. I have looked into benefits and know roughly what I’d receive alongside my wage. He is stating he wants 50/50 but I logistically can’t see how he would make it work with his job.

So sorry so many of you have been in the same position, although it is a slight comfort to feel less alone xx

I don't know why we persist with this.

Many women have clear and practical lived experience that no man has to take children 50% of the time if they don't want to,

If they don't want to, then they won't. He won't be much busier because , in this particular case, like so many others, he simply will have them at the weekend now and then if that's what he wants.

He won't find a three bed place if it doesn't suit him, particularly if he has another woman. he will be busy alright but it won't be with his own children,

For every man that does pick up his fair share, there is one that won't-maybe as time goes on and he gets another woman or family, two or even three that won't.

It really is bullshit, this "point out to him with deep joy" that his life will be harder because if he doesn't want it to be, then it simply won't.

We shouldn't stay with men like this or beg him to stay but we should at least realise that men don't have to do 50% if they don't want to and there is fuck all that we can do about it.

There is someone else . Tell him to go to her and leave you be ! Nothing annoys me more than people blaming others for their infidelity

Hard as it is, its best right now to avoid getting into arguments with him. He claims to want 50/50? Fair enough (it won't last) .
Put a claim in for uc and go through all the practicalities.
Don't do his shit for him. Talk about who will be moving out and get an idea of timelines

Do not beat yourself up about that OP - you simply asked to be treated with a little respect and for him to behave like a grown up.

He's a complete bellend and you need to set the boundaries early otherwise he will continue to treat you like a door mat, like mine did. Even only having the kids EOW - I was always changing weekends around his needs, allowing Saturday pick ups instead of Friday ones at short notice because he had Friday night plans. He has to learn to actually parent.

Has the older child noticed anything wrong yet?

“I have made our house into a home so I really don’t want to leave if I don’t have to”

You’re literally on drugs as a result of being around this man. You can make a home anywhere else. It’s rented so you would have to leave at some point anyway presumably. Unless it’s a council property? In which case maybe there’s some risk in leaving. Don’t get caught up in sunken cost fallacy. Being scared to let one thing go when you need to in order to thrive. He won’t leave unless she moves him in. And if it falls through he will not go, full stop. You want to be stuck in this “home”:two years down the line with this prick? It’s just a house m’dear. It’s not worth your sanity.

Either way I hope you’re not letting him share your bed anymore. Or doing his washing, cooking or share of the parenting. Don’t make it comfortable for him to stay.
He's dragging his heals because the other women hasn’t agreed to move him in yet. He has probably got cold feet now it’s sinking in he will have to be his own cook, chef and bottle washer.

He doesn’t get wife privileges anymore. Remember that.
He wants to make things uncomfortable. Cool. Two can play at that game.
Not to cheapen it of course, the simple fact is, you two are done and he needs to step up and do his share. Whether he is in the home or not. You don’t need to cover his arse anymore. Controlling? Nah. Just done taking responsibility for his loser ass.

@Sodthesystemour children are settled here and with the upheaval that is already coming, I don’t want to subject them to more. We will be staying put unless there’s ever a reason we have to move.

No we have not slept in the same bed for around 5 weeks now.

I tried explaining that to him and he simply said the reasons I gave him for being “controlling” were excuses.

I suppose these things will all come out in the wash if there’s another woman xx

Yes, he sounds like Peter Pan. Hasn't grown up even though he has kids.

THREAD about The Script.

So sorry @mummy917. I had deja vu reading your thread - my exh said very similar things and pulled the rug from under me. Unfortunately there was another woman.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Oh absolutely this - stop doing anything for him. And then laugh when he can't even figure out how to use the washing machine like I did.

His needs do not deserve a first thought from you, let alone a second. Just concentrate on your needs and the needs of the children.

From now on try to remember 'JADE' - don't justify, argue, defend or explain. It's one of the hardest things to do, but he's not interested in you, your point of view or your feelings. Don't expend the energy trying.

'You tried to stop me from going to football'

'Noted'

I've only recently got the hang of it (after 14yrs FFS) but it does work.

Half the time the OW isn't even that attractive - she's just better at stroking his ego than the poor sod who has had to live with him and who knows his (many) imperfections inside out. The OW will, however, learn these the hard way...

As for the accusations of being controlling - is he projecting much? You've been dancing around and picking up the slack while he wallows in bed. Let him have 50:50 child duties - that should be fun to watch, and I bet it won't last a month.