Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

@mummy917 in the kindest possible way, please reframe the narrative. What he thinks of what is reasonable or not is no longer of any importance to you. You are not stopping him from seeing his children just not in your house. He’s perfectly free to take them to McDonald’s or to the park. You are twisting yourself into a pretzel to accommodate his wants, needs and feelings. I know it’s really hard to detach from that, I really do. I’ve been there. I’ve been through exactly what you are going through now. Ending this marriage was his choice, but he is still dictating the terms. Please try to mentally detach and take back control.

Wow can you two @ilikemethewayiam@Two2TooAlsoToTowardplease come and have this conversation with him to make him realise that I’m not being all of these things he’s calling me 🤣 I will definitely suggest McDonald’s or the park! I’m not sure why at times I don’t think of these obvious things but my head is up my arse at the minute and it’s taking me a little while to catch up.

He did pass a comment a few weeks ago that he doesn’t know if he’d manage taking all 4 kids out at once. It’s tough, I do it every week, multiple times.

Set your boundaries from visit 1. He no longer gets a vote, and you get to set the narrative of your life going forward.

I don’t want to kick you while you’re down, but most men won’t leave unless there’s an OW in the wings. So prepare yourself—he could “meet” someone “new” in the next couple of months. And her kids will be sleeping on the mattresses that you paid for, for your own kids. Find your anger and stop helping him to (possibly) be setting up happy families with OW.

And he’s just now realising how difficult it is with 4 at once. Bless. If he doesn’t have them all, it’snot 50/50 and the CM needs to reflect that.

You moved out; you don’t live here anymore. I am not ‘stopping you from seeing your children.’ You can choose where you take them, whether it’s to your new home, to the park, to your mum’s house, to soft play, or to a coffee shop. We are exes now and I have moved on, and that means that you are no longer allowed access to my personal living space

This. Exactly. He does not get to 'pop over' when it suits him. You are NOT being controlling, you are providing the greatest amount of stability that you can for your kids. Those two things are worlds apart. Providing stability is important in any busy family, but even more important following the chaos that he has caused, and the upset that has (and will continue) in their lives while they adjust to the new situation.

You cannot provide that stability if you can't prepare your dc for what is happening e.g. "yes I understand you miss daddy, but he is coming after work on Tuesday to take you to the library. Then he'll drop you back here and I'll read you a story before bed."

Every time your ex calls you controlling, replace it in your head with the phrase 'providing loving stability and certainty for the sake of my dc'.

Perhaps you could tot up how many actual hours your ex has spent actively parenting your dc over the last couple of weeks, and say that until he can implement the new arrangements properly, he gets no more time than that.

My heart goes out to you during this difficult week. Like other posters, I suspect that once he has actually moved out, your dc might be calmer - there's no more wondering whether daddy's going to be out all afternoon, or if he'd coming back in time for bedtime.

Oh wow op he’s a great dad wtf not all 4 of them is he being serious. if he says that I would say the other option is you have 2 and 2 but for same 50/50 he can’t seriously think he can walk away and not make it work for his kids sake tell him this was his option not yours he really is the controlling one here op. I hope he doesn’t think his weekends will be his as well honestly I hope you can see this spineless twat for what he is. The things he is saying ignore them he’s trying to hurt you he knows how to hurt you so don’t let them if he thinks he should have walked away years ago then he wasn’t man enough was he. He’s literally moving the goal posts to fuck your head up. I know you are getting therapy and I really hope it helps. Not sure if your employer has employee assistance program help with all sorts of issues free to you if you have it at work.

I would pre-emt next week by texting him (so it’s in writing) - Please let me know in advance for next week when you plan to take the kids out as they need to know they will see you after moving out, you can’t just disappear that’s cruel.

(I suspect he is going on hols with OW - the fridge story sucks and you can get next day delivery).

I wouldn’t keep quiet re CMS. If you are happy with his new proposal I would (again by text) say that’s great. Obviously as this is 60/40 CMS will apply. I have worked out via the calculator it’s £X per month. Happy to go via CMS to get the correct figure.

Please stop worrying what he thinks about you, he doesn’t care what you think about him. His thoughts are less than irrelevant.

Don’t worry @mummy917 you are still in the brain fog of it all. I didn’t do and say all the right things when I was in your situation and God do I wish there had been platforms like this when I was! I regret so many things I did and didn’t do because I didn’t have anyone to turn to. I would’ve seen and done things differently because so much of the advice here is so obvious in hindsight! Just stay strong and remember he doesn’t get to dictate terms anymore. When he starts with all the word salad remember he's trying to manipulate you. Try putting up your hand and reminding him this was his choice and this is the way it is now. I get it OP, it’s really hard to emotionally detach overnight from someone you’ve loved. Practice taking emotion out of it and stick to what you want and need. He’s perfectly capable of managing all four of his own children at the same time. You don’t have any special powers that he doesn’t have. He just hasn’t learned yet, but he soon will by getting on with it. And remember the children will see a trip to McDonald’s or the park with their dad as much more fun and exciting than him just popping into the house. It will be much more beneficial for the children. Onwards and upwards OP!

You don't need to suggest McDonalds. You don't need to suggest anything. It's his problem. Where he sees the kids when he's moved out, is entirely his issue to sort. When you make suggestions or try and sort things for him (like the mattresses, when he has £1200 for a fkn tattoo) you hand him the opportunity to call you controlling. He's a dad to 4 kids and he wants them 50/50, so it starts now. He's going to have to grow up. It sounds like the fridge nonsense is to buy himself a week of shagging his new girlfriend before he has to step up and be a father.

In the kindest possible way, OP, you need to stop enabling this pathetic manchild. I think the penny is starting to drop for him that his fantasy of being free from your "control" is going to be a lot more work for him than the life of riley he's been living. And I think your life will be much better too. I doubt it's going to take you very long to realise how much better off you are without him. You prioritise what he will think and what he will say above the actual reality of what you know. He'll be crying about how much child maintenance he has to pay in a few weeks time. You need to learn to ignore his bleatings. He's only looking after himself. You have 5 people to worry about.

I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm mad at you. I'm really not. I feel angry at the number that he's done on you, short-changing you and the children all the time and acting like he's a prince among men. I predict his girlfriend will dump him within a month and he'll want to come back home. You'll probably have had an epiphany of your own by then.

I cannot get over spending £1200 on a tattoo but not having money for the divorce you instigated, beds for your children or a fridge for food to feed them. The absolute fucking audacity of these men.

When he is gone on Saturday I wouldn't allow him back over your doorstep.

Let the house be yours alone.

He really is a shit father and was a really shit father.
He was hardly home.

I think you will come to realise what a total loser he was.
Out more that he was in?
A total waster.

I, too, think it makes sense to do less and less for him.

1. don’t borrow trouble. He says he will pop over but thats a lie. He won’t. There will definitely be more fun things.

1A) if you want him to cut out even threatening to pop over just say “great! You can give me the mattress money then! And I wanted to talk to you about when you will give me back half of the family money you spent on the tattoos. He will then avoid you like the plague.

2. if he does pop over that is because he is entirely rethinking having them at all and plans to substitute visits for the imaginary 50/50. Decide what works for you and do it. If it were me I would shove him out the door with all four kids and say cheerily “see you in two hours!” Lick up the house and go out.

Finally: its not selfish of you to want 100 percent time with your children. It is selfish of him pretending to do 50:50 when they mean nothing to him.

@mummy917

You're doing great, you really are. Just keep going.

I agree with PPs about not making any suggestions to him. It's pretty obvs that no matter how beneficial any suggestion is to him, he'll say you're being controlling because it fits his narrative. And I'd say not to argue with him about the past and I wouldn't mention his proposed 60/40 and CMS. Remember, "Never wrestle with a pig. You both get muddy and the pig enjoys it". Any time you disagree with him or point out something he doesn't like he'll characterize it as being 'controlling' or 'difficult'. Let him go his merry way wrt his own doings. Save any disagreements for issues involving the DC or money.

As far as him 'popping round', fuck that! Personally I'd change the locks (I know, technically not allowed) but if you don't want to do that, I'd put chains on the doors or a second lock to use when you're at home. At least it'd stop him from just walking in when you are there. It will also reinforce that the house is now your home, not his.

Silly question, but you don't think he'll take the fridge, do you?

@mummy917 you could draw up a table of how many times a week he used to go out and do his stuff vs time outs you got. Everytime he makes you doubt yourself, have a look at it (and when appropriate, you can show him). I have, in the oast, written stuff down as a kind of diary, as it is amazing what you forget.

Although I don’t think he’s realised yet that his schedule means he’d be... ...60/40"

I think he has realised. Like everything else, he hopes that you'll just cover for him.

If you mention it, he'll call you controlling or unreasonable or similar. That doesnt make him right. Ignore.

You're both used to a dynamic where you do everything and he does as little as possible. He's going a step further and moving out. But probably still thinks he can do as he pleases. If you disagree he'll silence you by calling you names.

I suggest after he's left. You change the locks and let him know.

You are also entitled to peace and shouldnt expect to find him in the house.

You shouldn't be waiting in on the off chance he'll pop round. Arrangements should be planned and kept to.

He'll probably accuse you of selfishness or hurting the children. Remind yourself that you can support your children and without martyring yourself. Its not just him thats entitled to time alone.

You can role model strong and capable to them.

Be kind to yourself. You're doing really well but its going to take aome getting used to.

I agree, he is not your responsibly any longer .
I know you will say your doing it for the kids but isn't that his job equally now .
As hard as it is for you , if they had to sleep in blankets on the floor - his doing .
If there is no milk for cereal in the morning because the milk has gone off overnight - his fault .
If he thinks so little of his children they are going without whilst staying at his because he is prioritising his needs over them ( nights out , tattoos etc ) then shame on him .
Remember the saying . Shame me once shame on you . Shame me twice , shame on me . Grow your balls .

@mummy917 can I just say you are doing fantastically, considering what he’s done to you, you are coping so well.

This is said very tongue in cheek, but as another person asked further up the thread if you are worried he’ll take your fridge, I’d turn that around. As he’s struggling to sort a fridge and using it as an excuse not to have the children I’d offer him your fridge but say because obviously you won’t have one, he’ll have to have the children for the next 7 days + until you can sort delivery of a new one. Obviously he won’t take you up on it, but might be fun to watch him squirm 😂

I’d suggest you take a massive step back. I used to organise stuff for exH and constantly remind him school events etc and he never got any better so I just stopped completely. Set up a joint calendar or use coparenting app and then the responsibility is on him to check it. An app means the history can’t be deleted and also you can show when he has cancelled time with dc. Only communicate by text or an app so you have a record. Some apps have options to request and approve changes to contact schedules
I found it easier to have minimal contact for a while otherwise it’s like picking a scab you don’t get headspace to move forward. It doesn’t mean you can’t be friendly coparents in future but I would say you need time and space away from him for a while not daily or every other day contact. I would put in boundaries about using the house and level of contact from the start.
Unfollow him from any social media etc as it’s very tempting to look.
Then put in CMS based on what he has actually done - not the agreement - and he can make representations to challenge it. ExH did this but I sent a list of specific dates he had had dc and CMS didn’t reduce his payment.

they can visit his house whether or not he has a fridge, most kids spend chunks of every day without fridge access.

I’d change the locks as soon as he’s gone and add a bolt. It’s your place.

Check with the solicitor, and if it's allowed, change the locks. He doesn't "pop" to your house anymore than you will be "popping" into his house. You will feel better knowing he can't let himself in whilst you are out. "Oh the kids were playing up and wanted to collect a toy so I brought them here. Johnny and David feel over in the mud so you'll need to clean them up".

No more fridge conversations. It's none of your business, and is entirely his problem. Less "Let me help you find a fridge" (despite him having had weeks to arrange one) and more "Oh dear, I imagine it is annoying not having a fridge. Anyway, I'm away for a couple of days next week, so I'll see you when I collect the kids next Saturday".

Change some furniture around in the house, paint a wall a different colour, anything to mark the house as your space and not his. He won't like that at all, as he will feel it is out of his control, which it absolutely is.

The only controlling person in the relationship is him and he's very good at it. You now have the chance to take back control of your own life. Go for it!

You might not be able to change the locks however for your own safety, you’ve decided to put keys in the locks when you’re home as you’ve heard there’s been an increase in crime lately…

I agree with others. One he's gone, message or email to say that you’re happy for him to see the children often but as he’s now moved out, for the children’s best interests, he needs to establish new routines with them to help them settle into their new rhythms. He is welcome to bring them wherever he sees fit, his home, his mums, parks etc but you will not be facilitating contact inside the home as he is no longer residing there and the children need clear boundaries on time spent with both parents.

@mummy917 Please stop helping him out with suggestions for fridges, buying mattresses, etc., he's not even your friend anymore. I know it's difficult, but he doesn't deserve your support now.

I can't get over the $1,200 on tattoos but no money for mattresses for his children, what a selfish person he is. 🙄