Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

Hi @mummy917

It's coming to crunch time now, and I'm sure your apprehension and nervous tension is building.

The key thing here is that he is moving out on Saturday.
You are going to be taking over the rental contract from then.
So you can change the locks, if your LL agrees (I'm sure he will, if you are paying).
Until then, keep doors locked and bolted with key in the lock.
He is no longer welcome in YOUR home.

It is not up to him to decide whether that is or is not reasonable or controlling, in fact, you haven't the remotest interest in his opinion.

I would be guided by your instincts, and by continuing to centre your children's best interests, as you have done all the way through.
I would also pay attention to what a court might think is or is not 'reasonable'.

Tell him, via email or text, that if he cannot have the children for the agreed time this week, he needs to give you notice of that, and explain it to the children.

If he wants to just see them briefly for a couple of hours or so, then he must agree the date and times with you at least 24 hours in advance.
This is to give the children notice of where they will be/what is happening during what is bound to be a difficult first week of the new living arrangements.

That is all what a court would deem 'reasonable'.

You should also explain that any time he spends with them is to be at a place TBA by him, as he is no longer welcome in your home (as per his choice to leave, yours not to have him visit).
Again, this avoids confusion for the children ('daddy left on Saturday but now he's back').

A court would also deem this 'reasonable'.

Let him sort it out.

Good luck, OP, keep going as you have been 💪💐

Change the locks.

Get a court-approved co-parenting app.

Cut him out of your day-to-day planning and do not feel any need to facilitate his uselessness or his contact time.

File for divorce and child support. He has no intention of parenting on his own time.

It is REALLY hard to sit with the tension and the silence that you would usually rush to fill and retract whatever you said that upset him. But it is the only way forward.

Grey rock, grey rock, grey rock. “Oh yes?” I see.” “Gosh.” “That sounds hard/frustrating/nice”

When I did this- eventually, I found it so hard- it was amusing to see how HE started filling in the silences that I used to fill. Over explaining, justifying. It was remarkable how much of his power over me he lost at that point. It was instrumental in making me feel less afraid.

Him popping in is not only an easy way for him to clock up his hours, it leaves you with the task of tidying up afterwards so he can return to his clean and tidy house. I’d scupper that plan immediately.
In your first post you said you work nights predominantly. He needs to reliably step up and help you with this, including next week, fridge or no fridge OP.

Thank you for all of your comments, I can’t reply to each one individually as I’d be here all night 🤣 but it will be made clear that he can’t just come over to pop in whenever he feels like it and his key will be back in my possession on Saturday. I will be getting in touch with my solicitor regarding having something written up about childcare and I’ve been on the online calculator to see how much maintenance he’d have to pay me every month if he only had the kids 2 or 3 nights a week; I think that figure alone would make him reconsider his shoddy parenting.

We have sat them down tonight and told them he will be moving out on Saturday and when he tried to say “I’ll be back on Sunday to see you all for a little bit”, I interrupted and said he wouldn’t be “coming back”, that him moving out is his choice and it is permanent. I told them there may be times over the next week where he comes to take them out for a few hours, but there’d be no “coming back”. He didn’t like this and was predictable once more by calling me controlling once they’d gone to bed, even though I told him why I’d said it and didn’t want the kids confused or hopeful he’d be coming back.

I will speak to the landlord about changing the locks. She’s been amazing throughout all of this so I’m hoping she will agree. I mean, I’ve wanted to upgrade the front door for a good while now so might just ask if it’s something I can do as an all in one thing.

When he came home from work tonight, he said he’d manage to sort out a fridge, didn’t say how or where from, but just that he’d still need all of next week to get everything sorted at his house 🙄

I’m currently on sick from work due to everything that has been going on, however I am hoping to return or at least think about it, sometime in July. By then I hope the kids will have settled and I’ll feel more able to go back to work if they’re handling the situation well xx

I will definitely try this although I think I will find it hard too, like you did.

You can see he feeds off it when I try and explain myself, but there’s that part of me that thinks he can’t just go around calling me all of these things and I get to not defend myself.

I have been following your thread OP. It seems to me that every time he calls you controlling it is because he doesn't like any objections to him getting his own way. It is a very manipulative tactic, he calls you controlling when you won't let him control how things will be. He wants to control it all and for you to just go along with it.

Do you know where his passport is. I’d bet a lot he is off on holiday next week.

Stay strong and keep your head held high. Don’t give him the satisfaction of begging him to reconsider etc. Even if there’s not another woman that he’s physically involved with at the moment, it’s likely his head has been turned by someone and he’s thinking there’s an exciting life out there.
Stay in your home, claim child maintenance and universal credit and you’ll be just fine. You’ll be happier than you were eventually as you won’t have him to resent when he’s not helping etc. It took me around 6 months before I felt like my life had settled down. It will get easier and you will feel happy again. Keep strong and you’ve got this.

I interrupted and said he wouldn’t be “coming back”, that him moving out is his choice and it is permanent.
He didn’t like this.
👌
Yes, I remember you saying you’re currently on sick but he needs to accommodate your return to work, especially if you’re working nights. Pin him down to it now! He’s doing his best to control the situation by levelling unfair accusations against you to wound you and make you relent so he gets his own way.

Yes, they definitely feed off our explanations and rebuttals. They love to bait us just to get a reaction they can argue with or use to justify their own behaviour.

I finally changed esDH's phone avatar to a circle with "Don't rise to the bait" in it. Now when he calls me those words pop up first to remind me to just keep my mouth shut. So far, it's working. He says something inflammatory and when I don't respond he splutters and mutters and says "Don't you have something to say about that?". I've taken to replying "Why?". And he's taken to hanging up on me when I won't 'fight back'. Works for me!

Absolutely agree with this. As I have been reading your thread the same thing has stood out to me.

Everytime he calls you controlling, what he actually means is “Why are you not allowing me to control you. You are not allowed to disagree with me, you are not allowed to say no to me, you are not allowed to pull me up on my bad behaviour………. so I’m going to spin it around and accuse you of being controlling to make you back down and go back to letting me be in full control of you.”

This is excellent advice.

If he calls you controlling again you could say "Right" and move on. Don't defend.

Yeah he is going away next week..... leaving Sunday night/Monday morning and will be too busy to come and see the kids in person.

Another one that is good for the "You are being controlling again!!" if you get it in a message, email or voicemail is "noted". Drives them mad. No defensiveness, just acknowledged that you have received and noted their message! I once got a massive (and I mean huge) extinction burst after a few of these responding to his rants, he went fucking bananas. Nothing he could do as he isnt allowed to see me in person. It was hilarious!

He's a selfish, vile tool.

Everytime he calls you controlling I'd say, not getting your own way isn't the same thing as being controlled. Say it every single time.

Try JADE. Not an expert at all, but have looked into things for a family member. Jessrunsforsurvivors on instagram explains things well. Don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain I think it is. Just state facts and what has been agreed. They feed off the over justifications and explanations after making things difficult.

Good luck, you are doing amazing.

Id be tempted to say "we're going to pop in for a bit on sunday for father's day".

He'll probably shit himself, just tell him to

"chill and stop being so controlling "

insist you'll pop over "at some point".

He’s been packing again tonight after we told the kids he’s moving on Saturday and about half an hour ago, before he headed out to the gym, he asked me if he could come back and get his stuff out of the loft “within the next few weeks”. I said absolutely not. I told him this is now mine and the kids’ home, it’s no longer his and from Saturday his keys will be handed back over to me and he does not get access to this house. He looked very taken aback and I continued to say that whatever he hasn’t taken after Saturday, then it’ll be going in the bin. When he tried to say he didn’t think he’d have time to get everything on Saturday, I then said that he’s known for a week now that his moving date had been moved forward, so it’s not my problem if he hasn’t sorted his shit out within that time. He went off to the gym in a right little huff 🤷‍♀️

but still went to gym instead of sorting his shit out. Priorities..

I think if he can’t get his priorities right at the age of 41, I’m not holding out much hope that he ever will.

He does like his own way doesn't he!

My prediction is that you will be "petty" or "bitter" for not accommodating his ongoing comings and goings. My response would be "if you say so".

Completely agree. So so hard to do but I think it helps you take the power back. He’s expecting responses etc so if you grey rock him it will completely throw him off. The underlying message is I do not care enough to even engage with your nonsense so crack on…good luck with everything x

Oh I’ll be those things and more besides no doubt! I’m sure he will get a few more “controlling” and “vile” comments in there too before he leaves on Saturday.