Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

“Your opinions and feelings are of no interest to me anymore, off you fuck!”

”there’s that part of me that thinks he can’t just go around calling me all of these things and I get to not defend myself”

How about: ”I don’t care what you think”. And mean it.

He’s had to make you the villain OP. Otherwise he’s just another pathetic, diabolical man leaving his wife and children for his own selfish desires. Just another midlife crisis, totally boring and predictable with no values.

So he has to paint you as the problem otherwise he’d have to face up to the fact that he’s a shit father, a shit husband and a shit person. And he can’t face that.

Oh well done @mummy917 , you handled that brilliantly.
And the earlier conversation with him and your kids.

He is currently experiencing a wake up call as to what his decision to leave his family actually means.

To use a popular phrase, he FA and now he's FO.

He's going to be busy on Saturday...

"Mm-hmm, got it. "

Silence.

Yeah a lot of people have said they think it’s a midlife crisis and he will realise what he’s done, however if he didn’t already know and appreciate what he had and still wanted to chuck it away for whatever reason, then I don’t want him to “suddenly realise”. It’s already too late anyway and has been for a few weeks now.

I am definitely going to be doing the “okay got it” type of approach when he calls me controlling etc over the next few days.

He also told me last night that he has nobody to help him move stuff from this house to his new one, so that’ll be fun to see how he works that one out and gets a corner couch and a big wardrobe onto a removal van. He’s driving it himself so it’s not a company with removal men.

He also told me last night that he has nobody to help him move stuff from this house to his new one, so that’ll be fun to see how he works that one out

I hope he's not expecting you to help! If he drops loud hints you could say "ok, all the best" so he knows it won't be you.

I mean how can you even help, I'm sure that would be 'controlling' as well..

He has dropped hints but I’ve just said “oh well I hope you find someone strong enough to help you lift a couch and wardrobe”.

Oh well done, you are getting the hang of this now

He also told me last night that he has nobody to help him move stuff from this house to his new one,

So what is he after?

Help?

Sympathy?

Perfect!

let me guess, it's also your fault somehow that he has no friends?

😂😂

Next time maybe just aha or mmm.

Like you do with kids when you're not really listening but need to respond to stop them bugging you about it!

You’ll be fine @mummy917 , the response to the fishing trip about the removal was 👌

Whenever he starts on about calling you names or whatever, channel your inner 15-year-old (or my actual 15yo 🙄) and give that tiny smirk and that tiny scoff through the nose as you reply “ok then”. It communicates so much, and is so hard to call out. “What!? I’m AGREEING with you!” (repeat tiny smirk as you turn away, so he isn’t quite sure about it).

This !
You can also say I'm not listening to you anymore. You're no longer my husband so why would I listen to any of this ?
Then go to the toilet & lock the door till your heart stops racing.

Yes! How did you know? 🤣

I told him when he said that to me, that he has a mobile phone like everyone else and it is his responsibility to maintain friendships. And that he sees his friends every week so they can’t be that close if they won’t even put an hour or so aside to help him move two heavy things 🤔

💪

I wonder if he’ll ever realise how utterly pathetic he is.

happened to my friend I mentioned earlier on this thread. She was also controlling and as she didn't like that her DH and father of small kids was out drinking every evening until early hours and missing work, this meant she personally had destroyed all his friendships.

It’s called a removals company. The rest of us use them. Time to grow the fuck up. HE chose to leave; HE chose the date, and now he doesn’t understand how to get his items out? Fuck me.

I know this is shallow , but once he has left , go full on for a glow up so you look bloody wonderful every time he sees you so at least on the outside it looks like you are living your best life. Fake it til you make it !

These awful women are everywhere aren’t they? Working, looking after kids, helping parents, trying to see friends, doing all the housework and admin, all appointments, honestly what terrible, controlling people they are.
And to think that OP here is SO selfish she won’t personally haul this man’s wardrobe on her own to his new flat - why not get the kids to help? Why should they have a fun Saturday? Get them working.
Honestly, he should be allowed to keep his keys so he can pop back on a whim? Because he’s a decent man and you know only wanted to leave because…. actually why was that again?
Oh well at least he will have more money now for tattoos.
He will be snapped up before too long.
What a prince…

This. He's too tight to hire a firm to help, so he's just organised a van and assumed that that the OP will risk hurting herself by lifting furniture? Presumably, she was supposed to help unload at the other end?

Jeepers.

WELL DONE. I've only just found this thread and read all your posts and honestly I feel proud of a stranger, you are doing amazingly. You are obviously a really lovely person who cares about your kids and that really does come across in all your posts. It sounds like you've spent years being conditioned to be a people pleaser and now it must feel absolutely alien to put your foot down and say no, And I get it, I've been there too. And of course he'll then accuse you of being controlling - because he knows that will upset you and will be a good way of getting you to back down. Like others have said, just get used to saying things like 'ok, if you say so' 'ok, that's your opinion' etc etc.

Also not sure if anyone has mentioned this already but have a look at jessrunsforsurvivors on instagram. She also deals with an arsehole ex and talks about grey rocking and JADE - dont Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. I try to keep that in mind all the time now and do find a lot of her content really helpful.

You are honestly doing so well, you're still going to have wobbles and feel upset but on the whole, I genuinely feel that in a few months time you're going to look back and realise how much happier you are, and what a massive favour he's done you. Meanwhile he'll be sat miserable with just his tattoos for company wondering what on earth he's done. I was with my husband/kids dad for over 20 years and genuinely had days where I thought I'd rather die than have to be on my own. But it does get easier. Suddenly me and the kids have our own place. I've got a good job, I'm dealing with bills and all the rest of it on my own when I never thought I'd be able to. I'll be honest I went back to him several times, it's been a long process but I've finally realised even though I still get sad it's not that I actually want him back. He's actually really not a very nice person. But I'm grieving the life I had planned for myself and that's a big thing to try and heal from, it'll be the same for you. But you'll get there. Keep posting, once this thread fills start a new one as I'm sure there'll be other stuff along the way you need support with. But keep your head up, you'll get there ❤